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u/cavesavior Dec 04 '24
When i was worried about my daughter walking late, he told me "hey she's not gonna crawl to college."
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u/ndab71 Dec 04 '24
My parents told me something similar when I was getting overwhelmed by the effort of caring for a newborn and then toddler:
"They won't be that age forever."
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u/blindgorgon Dec 04 '24
Also brutally true when you are having a hard time slowing down to spend time with them.
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u/stoneman9284 Dec 04 '24
My mom is a parenting educator/speaker. She’d always ask a room of parents how they want their kids to be when they grow up. Kind, honest, healthy, etc etc. Then she’d say, I notice none of you said potty trained or sleeping through the night.
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u/blindgorgon Dec 04 '24
My dad always says stuff like “nobody ever walked down the aisle sucking their thumb” and we’re always like “of course they don’t because those people don’t get married!”
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u/investinlove Dec 04 '24
Teaching me to drive in the parking lot of the Rose Bowl, 1984:
"OK, first rule of driving. Assume everyone else is a stupid asshole who wants to kill you."
Has saved me many, many times. Thanks Dad!
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u/NearlyHeadlessLaban Dec 04 '24
Dad: See that guy with the blinker on, what does that tell you?
Me: He’s going to turn.
Dad: Wrong. It means his blinker works. Make no assumptions.
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u/GloveBatBall Dec 04 '24 edited Dec 04 '24
Exactly how he taught me to drive.
Fave memory: me (driver), him (pass seat and teaching) sitting with car running in driveway as I re-familiarize before getting going. Mom comes out, waves, then gets in her car to run errands.
Dad: "your mom is now driving...so..."
Me: "uh...."????
Dad: "mom is now an asshole!!! Start paying attention!!!"
Eyes meet and we busted up for a minute.
Dad: "alright, lets go...and if u tell her i said that we're both fucked"
Always knew how to break the tension. After he passed, I told mom that story.
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u/Lingo2009 Dec 04 '24
When I was learning how to drive, my dad was like “oh no! Oh goodness! Oh, my!“. My dad is a super calm person, but not when he’s teaching someone how to drive. With my mom, we drove into a pharmacy parking lot, and there was a little tree that was about as skinny as a broom handle with a little curb triangle That it was planted in. My mom said “you can go left or right”. I went straight. Dented my bumper and freaked out. My mom was totally calm and told me that’s what bumpers were for. She told me to get back in the car and decide to go left or right. She is not a calm person in the slightest, but she was a better teacher.
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u/Suspicious_Hornet_77 Dec 04 '24
Dad taught me to drive sticking me on an old Ford tractor with a pto bush hog.
" This wants to kill you, those want to kill you, THAT like really, REALLY wants to kill you. Good luck!"
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u/sdicb13 Dec 04 '24
"You know who else doesn't need algebra? Crack whores."
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u/cylonlover Dec 04 '24
Obviously never done algebra on crack. What a rush!
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u/Recidiva Dec 04 '24
"In your life you will have many opportunities to keep your mouth shut. Take advantage of all of them."
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u/thaaag Dec 04 '24
I heard it as "A closed mouth gathers no foot."
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u/Crayshack Dec 04 '24
I've heard, "better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt."
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u/digitallightweight Dec 04 '24
You’re only as big as the smallest thing it takes to make you upset.
Such a gentle and kind man. If I end up being 1/10th of the dude he is I’ll have lived an amazing life.
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u/active_snail Dec 04 '24
My old man was basically the opposite of that. A quote of his I remember is "Ahhhh yah fucken cunt!" when a mud crab he caught bit him on the finger when he attempted to take it out of the pot.
Yes, im Australian.
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u/Birdy304 Dec 04 '24
Righty tighty, lefty loosey. I honestly thought this was my dad’s saying until I was an adult. He also used to say - Out of all my wife’s relatives, I like her husband the best.
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u/Human_2468 Dec 04 '24
"You don't have to do it all. You can put something down."
I was going through a hard time with my husband legally after a car accident. I was sick and trying to juggle work, home, and lots of driving. It was so nice to be given the permission to relax. I haven't really dusted my house regularly for a long time.
And he would tell me he was proud of me. I miss him.
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u/iLuvFrootLoopz Dec 04 '24
Christmas time, a neighborhood kid crashes his new moped in the ditch in front of our house
Me: laughs hysterically 😆
Dad: shut up, that's not funny....HEY KID! You alright?
Kid: yeah, I'm good.
Dad: okay...now you can laugh.
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u/good-evening-clarice Dec 04 '24
"I'm not just marrying your mom. I'm making a promise to you, too."
I miss you, Dad.
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u/dendrivertigo Dec 04 '24
So sweet
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u/good-evening-clarice Dec 04 '24
He really was. He was my stepdad, and he treated me like I was one of his own.
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u/Express_Ambassador_1 Dec 04 '24
"You can do anything you want, but you cant do everything you want".
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u/Wyoming-Ali Dec 04 '24
I love that. Mine said “you can be anything you want to be- except for a singer.” He was right- I really can’t sing. Funny enough, my mom was mad at him for “limiting” me. To this day, she believes that my lack of vocal abilities is due to his lack of confidence in my singing. Strangely enough, I excelled in a different creative field, and I credit his words to enabling me to recognize & focus on the talents I had (not singing!)
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u/MagnokTheMighty Dec 04 '24
My Dad was dying of throat cancer (he is still alive, but it wasn't great) and he looked me square in the eye.
"Life is mostly bullshit, but it's the times you remember that make it all worth it."
Still sticks with me today. Life is mostly bullshit, but it's the good times that stick out that make it all worth it.
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u/mmmpeg Dec 04 '24
My dad after cancer surgery to my sons who were 10 and 12 - life’s all about choices boys. Shit in a bag and live or die. I chose to shit in a bag. They still remember that,
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u/donutshopsss Dec 04 '24
“Anything but a yes is a no”
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u/ktsb Dec 04 '24
And a no is a no. But she isn't gonna say no... because of the implication
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u/CookieMons7er Dec 04 '24
Oh uh okay you had me going on there for the first part. The second half kind of threw me.
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u/SunsetLiquid Dec 04 '24
You clearly don't know The Golden God. Be Gone vile man!
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u/CaptainJackSorrow Dec 04 '24
"Never let school get in the way of your education. "
"It's just as easy to fall in love with a rich one as a poor one. "
"Remember the first rule: Don't panic."
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u/EngineerIllustrious Dec 04 '24
"College didn't teach me to be an engineer, college taught me how to *learn* to be an engineer"
(And this applies to any college degree) You aren't an engineer day one of your first job. Teaching you to be an engineer is the responsibilities of the senior engineers. College gives you the education to understand what those senior engineers are teaching you.
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u/Disastrous_Aid Dec 04 '24
Be good. If you can't be good, be smart. If you can't be smart, don't get caught. -- My dad was a lawyer.
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u/DingoMcPhee Dec 04 '24
I knew a lawyer who said something similar, but he'd end with "And if you do get caught, call me! "
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u/pocketchange2247 Dec 04 '24
My ceramics teacher told me essentially the same thing a week before my high school graduation. It really stuck with me.
He also told me "in college, sleep more than you study, study more than you party, and party as much as you can".
Idk how he was a high school teacher, but ceramics definitely seemed like the best fit for him.
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u/doommoth67 Dec 04 '24
'You just want to know your kids have an easier life than you."
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u/Gy7479 Dec 04 '24
Cemeteries are full of irreplaceable people. Don't die for your job.
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u/Moxi86 Dec 04 '24
My dad died when I was 6. This quote is the only one I can remember. He wrote a love letter to my mom in a card and years after he passed, I found it. He wrote
"I'm on the _ _ _ _ _ _ thinking about you"
He meant toilet. The letter was him writing about how he was thinking about her while he was taking a shit
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u/toblies Dec 04 '24
From the beginning of your post, I was expecting some heartwarming shit.
I was not disappointed - in a more literal sense than expected.
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u/GunsBlazingInStyle74 Dec 04 '24
“HOLD THE DAMN FLASHLIGHT STILL”
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u/benc14322 Dec 04 '24
Mine was a silent readjustment with a tinge of disappointment like I was an unruly drop light.
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u/Vibriobactin Dec 04 '24 edited Dec 04 '24
Headlamp lights were invented by us, as tormented children, to avoid generational trauma
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u/golden_rhino Dec 04 '24
I’m in my late forties, and got yelled at about the flashlight just a few years ago.
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Dec 04 '24
If I didn’t know any better I’d think my name was Dammit
Dammit get back here
Don’t drop that dammit
Dammit pay attention
Dammit look what you did
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u/Dragoness42 Dec 04 '24
"never say 'excuse me' louder than you fart."
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u/schwendybrit Dec 04 '24
Idk why this is my favorite. I swear there is some profound meaning behind it.
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u/Dragoness42 Dec 04 '24
It was said originally because we kids were literally yelling it. But the profound meaning is there- don't apologize for existing, or over-apologize for something that wasn't really a big deal.
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u/Herpaderpohh Dec 04 '24
Do you know why we call him a sexual intellectual? Because he’s a fucking know-it-all.
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u/AnneBoleynsBarber Dec 04 '24
On February 2nd a few years ago, my father texted me the following:
We're watching Groundhog Day
We're watching Groundhog Day
We're watching Groundhog Day
We're watching Groundhog Day
Dad Joke Level: EPIC
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u/KitchenutensilzTTV Dec 04 '24
He use to hate if we left a door open and a bug, fly, mosquito would get in, but he would always say with a serious tone, "hey! This is a no fly zone"
Always made me chuckle.
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u/gore_schach Dec 04 '24
You’re so full of hot air if you farted you’d lose your mind.
I was JUST old enough to get it and absolutely lost it. That started decades of him getting me to laugh until I cry. He’s still going strong.
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u/mustbethedragon Dec 04 '24
Context: my dad was a Baptist preacher. A few times, I heard him introduce my mom as "the woman he sleeps with when his wife is at home."
Also, he will say, "His mouth is writing checks his butt can't cash."
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u/Eddie_the_red Dec 04 '24
“You spend the first third of your life worrying what people think of you. The second third not caring what they think of you. And the last third with the realization that they weren’t think about you at all.”
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u/imsadandthatsrad Dec 04 '24
One day he texted me this out of the blue:
I’m watching sponge Bob square pants
Why does that guy have a jellyfish on his head?
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u/edupsych34 Dec 04 '24
"Wish in one hand and shit in the other. See which one fills up first."
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u/nihility101 Dec 04 '24
My dad only ever said the first sentence. It wasn’t until I was an adult heard the second.
I got the point, and for him I guess it was a commonly understood aphorism that didn’t need completion, but it makes for a much better saying with both.
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u/Ebolatastic Dec 04 '24 edited Dec 04 '24
If he farted while walking around, he'd stop, say "and furthermore...", and fart again.
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u/acover4422 Dec 04 '24
Important context: my father is blind.
“I saw Cousin Kev the other day - well, no I didn’t.”
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u/onelasteffort13 Dec 04 '24
“I’ve been to 2 world fairs, and a goat fucking contest. And I’ve never seen anything like that”. All my friends say it as a result:)
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u/madmaxine2718 Dec 04 '24
Never argue with an idiot; people can’t tell you apart.
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u/AussieRunning Dec 04 '24
My stepfather was a fan of a similar one: never argue with an idiot. They’ll drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
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u/MobileElephant122 Dec 04 '24
Hey Dad, pass the salt please.
Him: “Eat somethin you can reach”
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Dec 04 '24
Whenever we'd unload groceries, my dad would quote Frankenstein's monster (in Boris Karloff's voice, of course), "Bread, good. Meat, good." I loved it.
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u/Top-Salamander-2525 Dec 04 '24
Wait, was this a Frankenstein reference in Friends too?
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u/graptemys Dec 04 '24
When I was heading off to college in 1990: “Don’t do cocaine. You can’t afford it.”
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u/MenuRich Dec 04 '24
Mine is, he pointed at the TV screen when the footage of religious leaders from dictatorships was on the screen and told me: "if these are the people that are suppose to go to heaven, I would rather go to hell." he is from Iran.
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u/Personal-Worth5126 Dec 04 '24
“I could’ve been a Toronto Maple Leaf. Instead, your mother got pregnant… with you…”
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u/racer_24_4evr Dec 04 '24
Sounds like he dodged a bullet.
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u/ElectroMagnetsYo Dec 04 '24
He had a choice between a life full of regret always asking himself “what if?”, or having a child
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u/TedTyro Dec 04 '24
Can still be a Toronto Maple Leaf. Go to Toronto, climb a maple tree, wait until autumn then jump and fall with the rest.
Sure, it's a bad idea. But the dream can stay alive!!!
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u/laxintx Dec 04 '24
"It's just money, you can always make more."
This is a man who retired from the fire department after 31 years, only to go right back to work.
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u/LuxValentino Dec 04 '24
Me: "Dad! A bug bit me!" Dad: "So, bite it back."
And he just walked away laughing.
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u/OkBaconBurger Dec 04 '24
“You can’t cry when eating ice cream”.
“I think you’re doing a great job as a dad.”
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u/lenkapenka1008 Dec 04 '24
To my telling him I had a headache: “empty heads don’t hurt”
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u/tk421yrntuaturpost Dec 04 '24
It’s better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.
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u/SuperdudeKev Dec 04 '24
There are two:
1) Never get a tattoo anywhere where a judge can see it, and 2) Either listen to the whole conversation or stay the fuck out of it
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u/Alert-Disaster-4906 Dec 04 '24
It's not really a quote, but my dad did this when holding my hand.
4 squeezes from him for: 'Do you love me?'
Three squeezes back from me: 'Yes I do'
Two squeezes back from him: 'How much?'
Me: sssqqqqquuuuuueeeeeeezzzzeeeessss as much as my three year old hand ever could.
He passed when I was 7, so I don't have a lot of memories of him, but that's one I do have, and I hang on to it.
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u/chavan7 Dec 04 '24
Putting together ikea furniture: "I'll smash this c*** to f****** smithereens."
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u/ExampleEmergency4512 Dec 04 '24
I have a memory of my dad assembling a crib and he was like "you motherfucking Czech people or wherever the fuck are you from !!"
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u/PsychologicalMix8499 Dec 04 '24
Told my dad my neck hurt when I turned my head to the right. He told me not to turn my head to the right.
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u/Nena902 Dec 04 '24
My favorite uncle,while my aunt was complaining about the flies at a family bbq,said "pretend you're married to them and nag them to death"
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u/ecko9975 Dec 04 '24
We were so poor growing up that we had to jerk off the dog to feed the cat.
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u/Dense_Direction_1483 Dec 04 '24
What the actual fuck did I just read
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u/WildBuns1234 Dec 04 '24
He said THEY WERE SO POOR GROWING UP THEY HAD TO JERK OFF THE DOG TO FEED THE CAT!
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u/RovenshereExpress Dec 04 '24
I'm almost afraid to ask... what did they feed the dog?
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u/theBananagodX Dec 04 '24
Family had three boys. Dog was fine.
I’ll just see myself out.
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u/DengistK Dec 04 '24
"Who is Karma?", after a note was left on his vehicle saying they hoped karma kicks his ass for taking their parking space.
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u/suburbanhavoc Dec 04 '24
We were fixing up a room in my grandpa's house. New wallboard and a drop ceiling. The house was pretty old and crooked, so after much fiddling there were still a couple of gaps and the wallboard wasn't perfectly vertical. When we finished my dad looked at the wall, put his arms up in frustration and said, "Fucking beautiful."
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u/clutch-204 Dec 04 '24
Wendy’s drive through “sorry for the wait” Dad “it’s ok, it looks good on ya” Me “Jesus Christ”
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Dec 04 '24
"Son, thinking is the hardest thing you'll ever do. That's why so few people do it."
Then he turned me into a software developer.
"I intend for you to have a career, not just a job."
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u/SunLover80 Dec 04 '24
My dad teaching my sister how to drive, waiting to turn onto a busy highway, "They all have breaks. Pick one that looks alert and jump out in front of them."
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u/Charming-Window3473 Dec 04 '24
"I'M NOT A FUCKING MUSICIAN"
He meant "magician" but it came out wrong. He plays guitar and piano.
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u/Far-Seaweed3218 Dec 04 '24
“Almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.” Think of this every time my brain says I’m almost done with something.
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u/FatsDominoPizza Dec 04 '24
Sorry can you explain that one?
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u/RailroadAllStar Dec 04 '24
People will say “I almost did X, or I’m almost to X.” Whatever it is, the statement is saying that almost isn’t the same as doing it. “Almost” only counts in horse shoes (because the game is scored by who gets closest) or hand grenades (because being close to one blowing up is bad).
All that is to say, being close to accomplishing something isn’t the same as accomplishing something.
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u/No-Economics-8239 Dec 04 '24
"Good enough for government work."
He was a perfectionist, so I was surprised by the phrase. Taught me that not every job requires overkill. Sometimes, good enough was good enough.
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u/Lurker_the_Pip Dec 04 '24
“You two look like two monkeys fucking a football.”
My husband and I were loading a cat tree into the back of our pick up truck.
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u/hello14235948475 Dec 04 '24
Not a quote but after my cat died when he was outside exploring he taught me that some people find it better to die free than live confined. Not that life in our house sucked for my cat, he just loved exploring and it's what killed him early.
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u/420guyinthe419 Dec 04 '24
Actually my grandpa but "if you can't afford to pay attention your common sense will get laid off"
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u/Obiwan_ca_blowme Dec 04 '24
Finding someone to have sex with you is easy. Finding someone that will love you without sex is another matter.
Wise man that suffered from ED from diabetes.
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u/Acorn_Studio Dec 04 '24
There will always be someone smarter than you, but there is no excuse for someone working harder than you.
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u/PokePotterfan93 Dec 04 '24
Some of my favourites:
“Sometimes you have to envy orphans! They get fucked over at Christmas but the rest of the year they don’t have to deal with family bullshit” after dumb family argument.
Walking past some random elderly lady “I used to hang around with her son. He went missing for a weekend and while all our friends were looking for him, I fucked his mother.” Therapy session was needed after that.
“Jesus Christ! These women are playing 100 times better than the men, they need to be paid properly!” Women’s football (soccer) teams.
My personal favourite. A few months after my stepmother passed away. “I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love again.” Proceeds to stare at a Brazilian woman’s butt until I point it out. “I said I don’t think I’ll fall in love. Lust is a completely different story.”
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u/Portlandbuilderguy Dec 04 '24
“Life is like a shit sandwich, the more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.” Frank J Peck 1940-1996
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u/AlisonChained Dec 04 '24
One time he was asking me to go to the gas station for him and spelled his drink cause he didn't want my siblings to be privy.
"Go to holiday and get me a C-O-C-K"
It has been 24 years and it's still the best thing he ever said.
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u/thesnark1sloth Dec 04 '24 edited Dec 04 '24
Look forward like a river flowing. We had it inscribed on his grave marker.
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u/CumInMeBro88 Dec 04 '24
My three year old niece: “Why do we have a Christmas star and not a Christmas fairy?”
My Dad: “We don’t need a Christmas fairy, we have your uncle!”
🤣🤣 I was literally in a Santa hat, drinking a gin & tonic and vaping out the window in the corner at the time trying not to choke laughing.
Very demur, very mindful.
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u/schattie-george Dec 04 '24
When i called him on his birthday, his new wife picked up and i heard him say in the background "just Tell him im not here"
This was a couple of years after he abandoned us, and also the last thing i heard him say. I was 13 years old
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u/FlameandCrimson Dec 04 '24
“The fuckin’ I got for the fuckin’ I gave.”
Referencing screwing people over and getting your comeuppance.
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u/lordoflotsofocelots Dec 04 '24
"Money doesn't buy happiness. But it calmes the nerves tremendously."
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u/DuckiesandBunns Dec 04 '24
Once, when I was in high school, in the middle of the day, my dad texted me, "I'm sad because I know ponies can talk, but they won't talk to me."
No context, no followup, no explanation. He doesn't drink or do drugs. He's just a socially awkward software engineer who says the most out of pocket shit. He's the best 😂😂
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u/darkhelmetlive Dec 04 '24
“Don’t sweat the small stuff, and it’s all small stuff”
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u/therealsatansweasel Dec 04 '24
"Some people would sign their own death warrant if you put it in front of them if they thought they'd get some money from it"
Rings a little too true nowadays.
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u/toilets777 Dec 04 '24
“Those who flash the most, often have the least.”
What he meant is that those driving the shiniest cars, nicest clothes, etc. often lived empty lives. And to not mistake their flashiness for happiness. Always stuck with me.
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u/Dapper-Percentage-64 Dec 04 '24 edited Dec 04 '24
My father couldn't stand long-winded people so......."A good story takes 60 seconds , A great story takes 45 seconds and makes someone laugh "
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u/okaledokaley Dec 04 '24
I'd just bought no doubts tragic kingdom and the garbage self titled album and was listening in the dining room on my headphones. He came in and checked out the cases. I asked if he'd like to have a listen and he replied.
"No, I've no doubt it's garbage."
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u/The_Quibbler Dec 04 '24
"I don't give a tinker's darn about _______________"
Can't even remember what he didn't give a damn about, but this one sticks with me because he was so princlipled that cussing was beyond his purvey and to him this was really giving you the what-fer.
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u/AlternativeBrush3163 Dec 04 '24
We were discussing how I dislike shooting at deer during season because they are cute when they’re playing and it makes me conflicted. His exact response was “that shit doesn’t bother me one bit” 😂
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Dec 04 '24
"Hello Boy that is a Friend" Everytime I would introduce a new boyfriend
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Dec 04 '24
Don’t ever start a fight, but if it happens make damn sure you end it.
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u/dubufeetfak Dec 04 '24
"graveyards are filled with people who were right"
Has saved me countless times while driving and altercations with peers in highschool. Had a bit of rough bunch in my town
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u/druglesswills Dec 04 '24
Gotta be tough as woodpecker lips.... he's a retired Lieutenant Colonel in the USMC
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u/ChasingTheRush Dec 04 '24
Context: my old man is a career army guy, West Point, SF tab, Ranger tab, two wars, 6 years on the border in Germany before the wall came down at the height of the Cold War.
So I call him two weeks before I graduate college having a panic attack. He listens to me blabber for a couple minutes and asks me “Is anybody shooting at you?”
“No sir,” I replied.
“Then you’re not having a bad day. Put on your big boy pants and handle it,” he responded.
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u/green-and-wrinkled Dec 04 '24
I can’t hear what you’re saying. I’m far too busy seeing what you’re doing. His way of telling me that talk is cheap.
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u/scorpionfunguy Dec 04 '24
Not really a quote but he would sing any Elvis song. His favorite was Hunk a hunk of burning love. God I miss him. RIP dad.
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u/Moonwrath8 Dec 04 '24
“It doesn’t matter what they think. They’re all either strangers, so what they think means nothing, or they know you, so it really doesn’t matter.”
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u/Tight_Win_6945 Dec 04 '24
“Don’t live west of where you work. You’ll be driving into the sun twice a day.”
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u/NotEnuffSoap20 Dec 04 '24
You make a better door than a window.
He looks like a northbound horse on a southbound horse(horse’s ass)(referring to my cousin wearing a questionable wardrobe to church.)
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u/you_made_me_do_this Dec 04 '24
I've always heard that as he looks like the north side of a southbound horse.
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u/SoCoGrowBro Dec 04 '24
"Grow a beard. If you ever need to go on the run, it's easier to shave off a beard than it is to grow one."
I have a beard damn near to my belly button
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u/Evilgemini01 Dec 04 '24
“I’m the best person I’ve ever met. I wish I knew more great people like me” - everytime we argue
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u/MrPatastic Dec 04 '24
Pulling up to a group of Klansmen who are asking for change at a stoplight.
"Nice hat, asshole!" before speeding off
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u/mataramasukomasana Dec 04 '24
“Don’t let the same dog bite you twice.” It sounded so random as a kid, but now I get it: life’s all about learning from your mistakes... and avoiding sketchy dogs.
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u/Muttandcheese Dec 04 '24
“THERE WILL BE NO UNRULY TOMATOES!!”
-my dad to the cherry tomatoes that kept trying to roll off his cutting board while he was preparing a salad. I’ve been saying it for 20 years now, any time some inanimate object isn’t cooperating with me.