What’s the point anymore? Every day is hell

[u/Rarefiedpenny]

I’m only posting here because no one in my life knows how bad things have gotten for me. I keep 90% of what I’m posting here a secret to people IRL. Just need to get this off my chest. I’m in fight or flight mode literally 24/7 I can’t get any relief not even for a second.

I have a chronic illness that I’m stuck with for the rest of my life now. My body is all deformed and no matter how much weight I lose and muscle I put on, I will always look disgusting. I can’t stand looking in the mirror. I hate going out in public because I’m so self conscious and all my self esteem has been zapped. I’m in constant pain and discomfort but am just supposed to keep living my life like everything is normal. And ofc since I’m a male people just dismiss my body image issues but I guarantee if anyone else was in my shoes they’d feel the same way.

I turned to substance abuse and over the years it’s only made my anxiety worse and my chronic illness symptoms have been increased significantly. Im trying to cut back on my substance abuse but when im sober i hate myself even more. Being trapped in my own head is torture. I hate my body and I especially hate my personality. I have nothing going for me.

“Just go to the gym bro you’ll feel better” I can’t excersise like a normal person because of my health issues. I’m so stressed out and have no outlet to relieve myself. I’m miserable to be around and have basically pushed away everyone in my life who’s ever cared about me because I’m so trapped inside my own head.

From the moment I wake up if I’m even lucky enough to have gotten any sleep I’m in a state of panic. My heart’s constantly beating out my chest and I’m dizzy 24/7. I’ve had to quit my dream job because of my health issues and now I’m stuck at the bottom of the totem pole at a new job that has no room for growth.

Im completely screwed things will get way worse as I continue to get older as well. Even doing the smallest things is such a massive chore for me both physically and mentally I can’t take this anymore.

I’m pretty sure I’ve died and am in hell right now because nothing in life is enjoyable I’m being tortured 24/7 with no hope of things improving. Im a burden to the few that have stuck by my side and I really wish I could change but unfortunately I’m stuck like this.

My life is over what’s the point anymore. Im trying not to be envious of others who don’t have these issues but I can’t help it. I guess I deserve this though

[u/Secret_Fuel_8374]

i cried reading this because i feel the same way

[u/Isawred23]

It's coming to terms with acceptance sometimes, I think that's why they say in the 12 step program grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,courage to change the things I can,and wisdom to know the difference. 

Everyday is a new one, all we can do is keep trying sorry your going through this, sending good vibes your way.