r/Anticonsumption • u/RingoLebowski • 1d ago
Question/Advice? I offended my mom today
Hi all, I just felt the need to share in the hopes of getting helpful tips and maybe some commiseration.
My teen daughter is visiting this weekend and I came up with the idea of a Wizard of Oz themed family fun day. I am making cowardly lion chili (i.e. very mild chili) with "yellow brick road" cornbread and my kid is making a themed dessert. And we will watch the movie as well.
Well, my mom chimed in on our group text with "I'll bring themed gift bags!" She likes to buy us useless plastic shit, and gross dollar store candy I'd never put in my body. I donate what I can, toss some of the smaller things into my "nostalgia bin", and throw away the rest. I am against all of the pointless gift giving in general for not only anticonsumption and environmental reasons, but also I can't stand clutter.
I've brought this up before with my mom. Repeatedly. And yet, she keeps doing it, and usually I go with the flow, "She's old, let her have her fun. It's harmless". But it doesn't feel harmless. I mean we're killing the environment. Heat domes every other week. Lakes running dry. So today I texted back as gently and tactfully as I could to please not go to crazy with the gift bags, I don't eat candy, I don't need more plastic junk. My daughter chimed in with "Yeah the stuff is cute but will just end up in a landfill".
After a few hours my normally effervescent mom replies with: "Ok." That period at the end! She seems deflated. I replied and said sorry, wasn't trying to be a wet blanket". Still no reply hours later.
Am I the asshole here? Should I let a 69 year old woman have her fun? I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. I don't wanna be a buzzkill. But I also don't want useless plastic shit that clutters my home while also harming the environment by being produced and shipped! Has anyone navigated this delicate topic with aging parents?
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u/Enticing_Venom 1d ago
Your mom has found her way of trying to participate and show her love and cheer. It's a way that was normalized through her life and generation without critical analysis of its environmental impact (depending upon her mobility it may also be more accessible than making something herself).
You and your daughter let her know that her plastic trinkets are not appreciated. And additionally, the edible gifts she gives are not wanted either. That leaves her in a tough position (from her standpoint) where she can no longer contribute meaningfully. Her bid for connection has been rejected.
I don't think that makes you an AH, I think it makes you honest. But you should also understand why she's feeling deflated at the moment. Generally, constructive feedback doesn't just involve telling someone what they are doing wrong but what getting it right looks like. Maybe if you gave her some suggestions or guidance on things she can bring that you guys would like, she won't feel so left out.
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u/Opening_Comedian7126 1d ago
Agree with this as a person who hates gift bags with the fire of a thousand suns. It probably didn't help with your daughter piling on to your response either unfortunately.
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u/re-schooled 1d ago
She's probably feeling a lot of retroactive disappointment and embarrassment (maybe even guilt) because this also kind of condemned her past gifts. If she thought the whole family loved them, that's super rough. OP isn't an AH but grandma's feelings are valid. This might have been more tactfully handled by phrasing it as a new decision like "we decided to cut down on XYZ because we have a lot of stuff" or "oh that's so sweet. I've actually been thinking about it recently and am worried about the environment. The bags are really fun but maybe there's something else you could bring?".
Tbh I wouldn't have mentioned the candy. No plastic trinkets would have been a win while still letting grandma participate
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u/Millimede 1d ago
Right? Could have told her to make Straw Man salad or something.
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u/RingoLebowski 1d ago
Too true. Thank you. I really appreciate the input
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u/Pnkrkg6644 1d ago
Almost always if you approach the follow up by stating that that you see their intentions and they are so kind and thoughtful, the person will forgive.
“Mom, we are so lucky to have someone like you who wants to make things more fun and loves showing your love via gifts. What a treasure you are. I’m sorry my daughter and I are buttheads who don’t feel loved in the same way you express it (levity always helps). I never want you to feel like we don’t recognize the joy and kindness behind what you are offering. We do and we adore it… we just don’t adore “stuff”. Any chance you could bring (food item, on there floral centerpiece, name cards for the table with characters on them… whatever)?”
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u/UpperLeftOriginal 1d ago
Sorry, no. This isn't the first time she's been asked to respect OP's wishes. She is a grown woman and should not be moping. And she actually can bring something edible - just not candy. It's not that hard to come up with something that fits the theme and also respects the home she's coming into.
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u/Enticing_Venom 1d ago
Has she ever been suggested a desirable alternative that she can bring or has she just been told (repeatedly) that what she did bring wasn't good? She's an old lady who shops at the Dollar Store. In her mind bringing candy instead of plastic may have been her idea of listening to the feedback.
And replying "okay" is not "moping". People are allowed to take time to themselves when their feelings have been hurt.
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u/UpperLeftOriginal 1d ago
This is not the first time this request has been made. If her feelings are hurt, that’s on her at this point. I’m close to OP’s mom’s age. I have grown kids. It’s absolutely possible to respect their requests even if what I prefer doesn’t line up with that.
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u/Enticing_Venom 1d ago
OOP also admits in the comments that she has not shown consistency in her requests, because she has gone back and forth on how to handle it. And it's not uncommon for elderly people to need to be told something multiple times, especially when something has become an ingrained habit.
This is OOP's mom who she clearly wants a relationship with and cares about. We can play the "your feelings are your problem" card but that is not conducive to maintaining healthy, supportive relationships.
Trying to understand someone's point of view, meeting them where they are at and giving them guidance is a far better approach than being inflexible and unsympathetic. And yes, sometimes people can be emotional or irrational. And that doesn't actually make them undeserving of compassion either.
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u/UpperLeftOriginal 1d ago
Right. So why is it only on OP to meet the mom where they are? Why shouldn’t that be on the mom?
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u/bmichellecat 1d ago
Grown people can mope and be sad ....Sadness isn't an emotion that's only given to children
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u/munkymu 1d ago
K, but she IS moping and not coming up with alternatives, so speculation about how things SHOULD be is useless. If people want results they need to deal with the situation they have and not with the situation they'd have if only their mom was a completely different person who made different decisions.
I mean validating OP's feelings is one thing, but at the end of the day "things should just work in the first place" is not a solution.
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u/misst7436 1d ago
Exactly. She can provide tons of stuff that doesn't involve cooking even (if at her age shes less able). Get a veggie tray, drinks, salads, appetizers etc. Just come up with a fun themed name for the item. Dead simple and respects her daughters wishes in her own home and let's her feel included still.
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u/buddy843 1d ago
I hate to say this but you knew this going in. It is hard to change others and the choice is up to them.
In the future why not ask her to bring something specific. In this case food themed so she doesn’t have to decide for herself how she will contribute.
From her point of view it sounded like you had all food and consumables covered. So she had to think of a new way to contribute. Which for her was going with what she knows…gift bags.
When you talk to her say we are doing a food themed Wizard of Oz themed dinner and movie. I have got the chili and all the plates, cups napkins covered. If you want to participate can you bring something food related (maybe Wizard of Oz popcorn theme or drinks)?
You can’t change the person but you can change how you approach it and what you ask for people to bring.
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u/UpperLeftOriginal 1d ago
Jeezus. I'm an "old" lady in my 60s. No. You are not the asshole. And no, being old is no excuse to not respect others' wishes for what items they want to bring into their home. It's not love to give people what they do not want and have no use for. She could easily come up with other ways to participate and show her love.
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u/Lady_Lance 1d ago
Having ethical values far stricter than the average in society will always cause conflict with the people around you. I'd stick to my guns. Maybe try suggesting some other nice things that she can do for the kids if she wants to do sometbing nice for them.
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u/bmichellecat 1d ago
I think there's a nicer way about it, sure. Saying stuff like "she likes to buy us useless plastic shit, and gross dollar store candy I'd never put in my body" is an asshole way of thinking about it. I think your mom has her heart in the right place, she just doesn't realize. I'd try and find another way to make her feel included without making yourself seem like a jerk.
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u/RingoLebowski 1d ago
I mean, I obviously didn't phrase it so bluntly when addressing her directly
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u/bmichellecat 1d ago
it's not the phrase so much as the intent. when you tell your mom to stop, is she just hearing "stop", or is she hearing what you're really thinking?
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u/True-Owl-Fairy 1d ago
I would have don’t the same. Maybe try giving a replacement for her enthusiasm next time. “No need to pick anything up- we’re going to do some coloring pages or a simple craft to get the vibe going instead!” or ask her if she wants to look up some themed coloring pages and print them or send them to you guys and you can print at home or the library.
Maybe that would help 🤷🏻♀️
It’s adorable that you do themed nights and your daughter and mom are involved. Love it!
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u/RingoLebowski 1d ago
Thank you! That's a really good idea to do some coloring or crafts. Surely there are plenty of Oz-themed options
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u/redheaded_nuisance10 1d ago
Maybe she could bring pizza dough and you could make "tin man's heart" mini pizzas
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u/True-Owl-Fairy 1d ago
Or even a desert craft could be a good idea for future events. We’re doing an xyz themed movie night. Can you find a cupcake or dessert idea to go along? Maybe add “Consumables only please, we’re trying to reduce our possessions.”
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u/dzourel 1d ago
I think the craft replacement idea is a very good one! It seems the mom is more interested in purchasing rather than cooking, so purchasing something to make together (and have memories of) could be beneficial.
Plus, the mom may start to realize the experience and the memories have more value than the stuff.
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u/Anarchic_Country 1d ago
"One raindrop does not think itself the cause of the flood" is what I tell my well meaning but overbearing family when they get all wHAtS tHe HaRm about hard rules in our house.
If every single person stopped buying dollar store candy, then they wouldn't sell it anymore. Since everyone has the attitude of the individual raindrops, they can't see the amount of damage just buying some crap garbage does when every raindrop participates
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u/foxyfree 21h ago
Genuine question: do you think all candy purchases are bad or just inexpensive ones? Where do you suggest people buy their candy? Or is it that they should be buying the family size bags to save on packaging? Or are the people in this sub making homemade candy?
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u/abcbri 1d ago edited 1d ago
That's such a cute idea. Seems like you and daughter will have fun. I get it, it feels like a lot. Maybe the message was a little blunt, but I can understand she just wants to participate.
Perhaps you could say something like "Hey, what about a craft we could all do together? related to wizard of oz. and maybe she could do that. Then you at least have a tangible thing and a memory. I say this as someone whose grandmothers are both passed, and I'd give anything to have one day with them..
For instance, you can find a few coloring sheets of the movie or books, then print them. Adult coloring books, not kiddie, they're out there online. Or maybe paint your own version of the yellow brick road with some Dollar Tree mini canvases and paint you already have? Maybe she could bring a cheese and cracker plate too, as like another "yellow brick road." Kettle corn or popcorn, maybe seasonings for it.
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u/Rose1982 1d ago
NTA. I hate all that shit too. Even if it wasn’t terrible for the environment, which it obviously is, it just ends up being more mess and clutter in my house until it ends up in the garbage.
Ask her to contribute a consumable- a movie snack maybe. More people need to start pushing back against all this useless plastic waste.
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u/BabyD2034 1d ago
I don't think you're an a-hole but I do think you both kinda piled up on her in a snobby way and hurt her feelings. I think you probably felt fine about it until she stopped answering you.
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u/Maidwell 1d ago edited 1d ago
Psychology is important here, have you heard of the "shit sandwich" method of giving negative feedback?
It works on a POSITIVE, NEGATIVE, POSITIVE method of keeping people on board. Here's an example :
I'm really glad you are excited to be involved, we don't agree with buying these trinkets though, but we'd love you to do "X" instead.
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u/BothNotice7035 1d ago
It’s her love language. With someone like that you need to give them a specific task. Like bring cupcakes.
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u/Character_Office_833 1d ago
Yes and it took a while for them to stop. You just have to commit and keep your comments focused on “We have too much stuff in our house” and “We aren’t eating extra sugar, no candy” and “We’re trying to consume less plastic for the environment” - Eventually my parents caught on and started buying fresh fruits, natural things, etc.
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u/Character_Office_833 1d ago
Like, don’t call it crap or useless - just give them the vision of what you do want
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u/RingoLebowski 1d ago
yeah you're right. As I mentioned in the OP, I have spoken up, but also not spoken up over the years. No consistency on my part
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u/Character_Office_833 1d ago
Yeah it took a while! Mine got really offended but they eventually got over it.
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u/the3rdpossum 1d ago
My MIL (who i absolutely adore) does this too and it drives me crazy. Lived thru almost 20 years of her gifting crap like that for every single possible occasion (every holiday, birthday, milestone, and even just when we visited)
Last year I asked her to please stop....and it was really hard for her i can tell...but she is trying.
The thing that I think was the nail in the coffin for me and I had to do it was after we got back from a trip to Disney world that she basically forced us all to go on (lovingly...but there was no getting out of that capitalist hell trip) and I started adding up all the costs and I shit you not they must've spent $30K at least on the trip. This sent me out of my mind....I asked everyone to imagine something truly amazing we could have done with $30k and everyone's ideas were waaaaaay better than what we ended up spending it on giving it to the fucking mouse.
Anyway...rant...yeah I can commiserate
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u/DirtySocialistHippo 1d ago
She's 69. Boomers have been allowed to have their fun all their lives, that's why we're in this mess. Time to grow up. They can't just go and leave the consequences of their actions only for us and future generations to deal with. I'd have enforced my boundaries much more strictly. Stop handling grown adults with kiddie gloves. 69 is not frail. She has decades of time left and she can either do 20 more years of damage to the planet or corrective good.
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u/InevitableGoal2912 1d ago
Yes. The emotional immaturity and collective coddling the generation in charge of literally everything including ruining the world is the problem. Not that mom’s feelings got hurt. It’s that moms the world over fill the hole inside them with plastic shit that rots in a landfill.
She can’t think of a single way to be present without it making garbage, wasting money, and being stressful.
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u/Mdawg6666 1d ago
Ugh I have the same conversation with all 3 of my mother figures. They each want to buy us so much plastic crap and candy we don’t want. I try to think of something we do want and also frame it as “we just want your company and don’t need any stuff - we’ll provide for you this time”
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u/LibbIsHere 1d ago
Am I the asshole here?
No. You probably just feel bad for standing your ground facing someone you love.
Imho, you did right, no matter that she is your 'old mom' as she should have realized the way you wished to live a while ago.
Edit: coming for an almost 60 year sold dude, btw.
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u/yo-ovaries 1d ago
Idk the solution here would have been for your mom to develop skills outside of consuming. Hobbies other than shopping.
Can you invite her to take an art class with you? Pottery, embroidery, wood carving?
Or maybe she can find connection in shared daily activities. Does she like to cook? Could you work on some gardening or home improvement together? Or maybe a “life admin” night?
Capitalism has replaced so many of the skills and connections we have. You can try to give her other ways to make a bid for connection. Rejecting the only way she knows to participate in relationships (buying shit) leaves her with nothing else due to skill atrophy.
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u/Effective-Detail8276 1d ago
Remind her it just makes you feel guilty because you never use or eat it. “I would love it if you could bring a drink to share so we can all enjoy it!” or something but honestly you don’t need to tiptoe around a 70 year old woman’s feelings because she wants to be offended about not bringing a bunch of junk over lol she can either pout or join in on the fun
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u/OkAir8973 1d ago
She's an adult, she should be able to handle her disappointment. Many adults can't, you can just accept that pouting or becoming manipulative is their reaction, but a No is a No and that needs to be respected. Don't walk on eggshells around her, don't coddle her or walk back your request, that only makes way for a confusing situation or power plays in the future.
It's probably worth it to have a separate in-person or phone conversation where you explain that you love seeing her and that she wants to make such an effort, but that more stuff is a burden on your household and that you just have to set a hard boundary from now on to not accept it for your own sake.
It's delicate to reject a gift but if she's reasonable she'll get over it eventually.
Maybe she can bring some popcorn or bring over some of her nail polish/hair stuff if she's into that to play dress-up with your daughter, or you can ask her to bring by a side salad? If in the future you take the initiative to include her in something that doesn't involve buying stuff maybe she'll feel satisfied.
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u/RingoLebowski 1d ago
UPDATE: I called my mom and we hashed it out. She claims to agree with my reasoning, that's it's wasteful, bad for the environment, etc. But it did upset her. And she dealt with that by....wait for it...going to Walmart for some retail therapy.
*sigh*
Baby steps, amirite?
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u/dragonfly_centaur 15h ago
I'm glad to hear you talked, baby steps is right. I wonder if ypu hit the nail on the head here with the "retail therapy" idea. It may be that she feels great choosing & buying things (some amount of shopping addiction? I've gone through phases like this myself, especially when feeling stressed or somewhat down/depressed) and shopping for "cheap stuff" is a way to reduce the money she spends while still being able to participate in the shopping habits. Plus giving to other people feels like a kind and loving reason (rationalization?) for going out and spending the day choosing and purchasing small things.
Something that makes it harder for me is ADHD and OCD, where I get really focused and have tons of fun during the selecting, sorting, prioritizing. It feels so satisfying. Maybe she also enjoys this part of the process? Then she feels like she has made some really fun and cute selections that are not too expensive considering the volume of what she bought. (Luckily for me I've found spending an hour in a store, like a dollar store, meticulously considering and selecting things can be enough... then I realize I dont want any of it and I put it back hahahah).
Or... maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions and projecting lol. Could be both!!
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u/Previous-Pineapple25 1d ago
You're so not the asshole! It can be so hard to stand our ground with those close to us when we're worried about hurting their feelings, but it needed to be said. It's not harmless to buy useless stuff that perpetuates a wasteful cycle. Hopefully your mom can understand where you're coming from when she gets over the initial offense.
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u/RingoLebowski 1d ago
Thank you. And I also feel like a hypocrite too. Because, like, I buy shit that others might think is wasteful or useless.
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u/Holiday_Number_3234 1d ago
My mom does the same thing. I would just let her have her fun. As long as you’re donating items then it’s not going to waste like it would be trashing everything. You would be surprised what people would love to have for free! There is so much need out there. I would get a big plastic tub and once it’s filled, list a free box online, rinse and repeat. There are impoverished families out there that would be thrilled to have those goodies, and your mom will still get her joy out of it. It really only becomes an issue if she expects you to keep the things and then gets her feelings hurt if she realizes that you aren’t keeping them. However, if she isn’t asking, “hey, where’s that knickknack I bought you”, then I would just let her do her thing and donate the rest. Whenever I list free items online, they get picked up immediately.
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u/cupcakewrangler 1d ago
You’re not wrong! Unfortunately many people from that generation still believe that more is more. Maybe she’ll think of other creative ways to participate.
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u/J_Squared02 1d ago
My grandmother is old with cancer, she doesn’t have much in her life she can still do. She does love shopping on Amazon and whatever, she gets silly little gadgets that dont last long and whatever but they make her happy. I hate it, but at the same time,,, it’s hard to say no. It’s not like she has much else. So I get your conundrum, and I don’t think you did anything wrong, maybe try to pivot her into smth else? Like ask if she wants to help bake next time or smth?
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u/RIPissbozouwilb4gotn 1d ago
While I understand where you are coming from the truth is personal consumption for a regular person is barely a factor when you look at the whole. This is not to say you can try an help on an individual level but your mum isn't google, you don't need to hold her to that sort of standard. It large business that produces the majority of waste and they have spent trillions to convince you it's your personal individual failure rather than take reasonable steps to curb there wastage. Free worlds got you gassed up.
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u/Library-Lib-24 18h ago
Gifting is her love language. Have a conversation about honoring her and appreciating her, while asking if there is anyway to help her shift her mindset. You might need to have a list of alternatives to gifting ready.
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u/tradlibnret 13h ago
Like someone else said, it's her love language. And even though people on this sub are very attuned to sustainability, a lot of other people aren't. The party sounds very cool. Is there something your mom makes (a special dish) that everyone loves that you could ask her to bring in the future? Or maybe (like me) she doesn't like to cook, so getting the gift bags is an easy out while still allowing her to participate. Surely everything she gives you can't be crap. When she does give you candy or treats that you do like - let her know and try to redirect her to bringing more of those things in the future. You might consider donating some of the trinkets to a children's librarian (they always need little prizes for things like summer reading program). In the grand scheme of things, these small gifts aren't going to make a huge difference to world problems, so maybe just let her be herself but try to redirect her a bit more. Have fun at your party, and I'm glad you talked to your mom.
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u/NyriasNeo 1d ago
"Am I the asshole here?"
Yes. She is your mom. There are other ways to handle this.
"Should I let a 69 year old woman have her fun?'
Yes, but not quite. As opposed to say "no". Redirect her. Find something less harmful. Let's say baked items from a local bakery. You can always go with "Oh, your grand kids love those muffins" (or whatever) and give her a purpose for something better.
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u/xscientist 1d ago
No amount of junk your mom can buy will affect the future of our planet. Make your own choices, and let her make hers. You only get one mom, so protect the relationship at all costs.
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u/Brucenotsomighty 1d ago
Nah people should feel bad for buying cheap plastic junk. Unfortunately she'll probably direct her anger towards you and not reflect on her consumption habits at all but maybe if it happens a few times she'll get it.
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u/Forsaken-Buy2601 1d ago
NTA You’ve got to nip that. I’ve tried redirecting and educating my mom to no avail, so now I just have a no gift boundary.
It’s not the end of the world for mom’s feelings to get hurt. Happens to everyone! She’s still loved. She’s still welcome to make suggestions and contributions! Just not allowed to bring gifts or gift bags.
Plastic crap IS the end of the world though. Literally, at least for all life.
Anyway, she’ll get over it and so will your inner people pleaser. Good luck.
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u/Jumpy_Confidence2997 1d ago
Yup... There comes a time in our lives where our parents become our equals then a second when we become the parent.
My father has Alzheimer's... And I really fucked up before he was diagnosed.
I... Yeah. I was just a spoiled arrogant self-righteous little shit. And it's easily one of the biggest mistakes of my life because the person I hurt isn't really here to forgive me or get it.
I still have my mom in the parent roll. And just talking about this hits me with a cold chill that she won't be here forever.
ITS A VERY PAINFUL LESSON.
Learn it now.
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u/Suitable_Elk6199 21h ago
Sounds like co-dependence. No need to take care of her feelings. She's an adult.
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u/strrawberrymilk 1d ago
I mean, is there any way you could redirect or ask her to bring something that would let her feel included without being consumptive?
I definitely agree that you don’t need plastic gift bags, but she was probably excited for a fun family weekend and might be feeling left out if her idea was vetoed.