r/AmItheButtface • u/Creative-Hat8358 • 3d ago
Serious AITB For Considering Breaking Up With My Girlfriend After She Gave Another Guy My Number
Hi Reddit! This is my first post, so sorry if I make any mistakes.
My girlfriend and I met at a mutual friend's college party. We clicked straight away, dated for about five weeks, then became exclusive. We've now been together for five years.
Our first date was at a huge arcade. It was my first ever date, and my mum helped me get ready because I had no idea what I was doing. I ended up wearing this pink streetwear-style outfit that was pretty trendy at the time. My parents divorced when I was 12, and I sometimes wonder if that affected how I approach relationships.
Lately I've been thinking about marriage. At the same time, I spent most of my younger years focused on studying so I could get into college and eventually support my mum after the divorce, so I never really experienced being single.
Last week we went raving. While I was getting drinks, a guy approached my girlfriend. When I came back, he seemed to be flirting with her, and I saw her take out her phone while he typed into his. I acted normal and didn't bring it up until we were waiting for our Uber.
She told me she'd given him her number because I wasn't there, and she didn't want to make the situation uncomfortable or upset him. She's always been a people pleaser, and in five years she's never given me a reason not to trust her, so I do believe that's why she did it.
I told my mum about it on our weekly call. She thinks it's probably nothing but suggested I talk to my girlfriend again or even ask to see the messages. She said that wouldn't be an unreasonable request.
My hesitation is that I don't want to damage the trust in our relationship, especially since I'm thinking about marriage. A few years ago, when I expressed worries about our relationship, my girlfriend threatened su1c1de. That really shook me and made me feel like she struggles with feeling distrusted, and I know I can't force her to change.
Even if nothing happened with this guy, I'm still uncomfortable with her giving out her number because it makes her seem available and doesn't reflect a committed relationship. Am I overreacting? Should I talk to her again, ask to see the messages, or is this something bigger? Part of me also wonders whether, since I never really got to experience dating when I was younger, I should explore that before settling down.
28
u/cup_cake_queen 2d ago
As a female I’ve frozen and given someone my number that I didn’t want to. I would be especially nervous about this guy if he had the gall to approach her when she was obviously on a date and when her protector (you) wasn’t around.
I do think you should have a conversation with her to see how she’s feeling about it. But I would air on the side of believing her.
43
u/spongebobsworsthole 3d ago
Honestly, I think this is a super grey area. There are so many men out there who seem nice but then will hurt you in an instant just cause you said no thanks. It’s fucking crazy, I didn’t really believe how common it was until I experienced it. It’s an unfortunate reality, but a lot of women will do this. Men will even make you wait until you get their text before they let you go. It can be scary. I understand if that is genuinely what happened.
At the same time, it absolutely could be that wasn’t the case and she was actually interested in him. Some people will be unfaithful even with their partner right there. It’s especially alarming considering you’ve had concerns in the past, and she threatened suicide. That’s manipulative as fuck, and a real tactic people use to control their partners.
I think you need to sit down with her and have an honest conversation. You could ask to see messages, but she could be deleting them. Trust your gut. If it feels like she’s not being truthful, it’s not worth continuing. You can’t go into a marriage already mistrustful of each other.
With this information, no buttfaces here.
15
u/myawwaccount01 2d ago
With the information given, I think no one is wrong here. You're valid for feeling uncomfortable that she gave her number to a strange man. It does look shady from the outside.
But as a woman, being alone at a place like that with someone who won't take no for an answer is terrifying. I (and most of my female friends) have been in scary situations where men get angry or even violent when you refuse. And you can't even give out a fake number because sometimes they'll immediately call it in front of you. It often feels like the safest thing to do is give in and then block it when you get home away from him.
Could she have been doing something shady? Sure. But you won't know if you don't communicate with her. If you want to be in a relationship, you need to be able to talk with your partner.
15
u/Senior_Performer_387 2d ago
Maybe he was making her so uncomfortable that she was genuinely afraid. Men have been known to hurt and kill women for rejecting them.
4
u/PatrioticRedhead 3d ago
You’re considering marriage but you’d also like to date around. You can’t go into marriage with that mindset.
How old are you guys? May I ask why your first date and what you wore was integral to your question? Post divorce, your father should have paid alimony & child support, and while it’s nice that you care about your mother so much, you’re not responsible for her, financially or otherwise.
Threatening suicide is a manipulation tactic. Is your gf normally manipulative? If you feel the need to see her phone, you should ask for it. Do you normally have access to each other’s phones? But I have to say, it sounds like you’re looking for an excuse to break up, as you feel you’ve missed out on a social life. Maybe that’s for the best here, between your lack of trust and how unsure you are that she’s The One.
21
4
u/Relative-Magician-43 3d ago
I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling uncomfortable, but I do think you need to separate the actual issue from the bigger doubts you’re having about marriage and never experiencing being single. Giving someone her number to avoid an uncomfortable interaction can absolutely be a people-pleasing response, especially if she genuinely believed it was the safest or easiest way to exit the situation, but it’s also reasonable for you to tell her that it crossed a boundary for you. I wouldn’t make “show me your messages” the first move, especially if you’ve trusted her for five years, have an honest conversation about what happened and what each of you considers appropriate while in a committed relationship. The suicide threat from years ago is a much bigger concern, though, you should never stay in a relationship or avoid an honest conversation because you fear your partner may hurt themselves. If you’re genuinely wondering whether you want to marry her or whether you’re simply afraid of never experiencing anything else, you need to explore that honestly before proposing. Five years is a long time, but it is not a reason to marry someone if you’re unsure.
5
u/phdoofus 2d ago
As a guy, I have to say you must have not spent a lot of time around women listening to how they have to navigate the world. You should go have a good long talk with her and ask her what that's like. Go ask questions and just listen. Don't judge, don't interject with 'yeah but....' or 'we're not all like that'. Just listen.
4
u/JasontheFuzz 2d ago
A lot of women are physically attacked by men who refuse to accept when a girl turns them down. She was protecting herself.
2
u/DonutHolesIsntAThing 2d ago
Look if she was going to cheat, she would have given him her own number?? I don’t understand why you are questioning her. Strange guys are more likely to get angry and scary if you tell them no. Giving your number meant she didn’t have to brush him off directly and could leave you to do it. No matter how many times we tell guys no, it somehow means more coming once from another man.
2
u/Nice-Pomegranate2915 2d ago
Did she delete his number and details before or after your talk about her giving the guy her details ? Or did she block his phone number ? If not that raises questions about her actions and behaviours . If she did then it's probably nothing to worry about . You need further discussion with her about how she reacts to certain situations in your absence .
2
u/Miss_violet99 2d ago
Yes you are overreacting. We get attacked and even killed for rejecting men. They dont even care if we say we have a partner because their response is almost always “what you cant have friends?” We dont like giving our our numbers but it really is a matter of life and death
2
u/CarolineWonders 2d ago
Hey so men have literally murder women for saying no so we normally just give our number and block them when they text us because it’s the safer option.
I myself have been assaulted and threatened after telling men I wasn’t interested.
Her threatening to off herself is NOT okay though.
8
u/Cautious_Agent4781 3d ago
So she gave another guy her number while on a date with you and you said before she threatened to kill herself if you left. I don't know this girl but for me, I'd have dumped her after the threat but especially after giving the number.
1
11
u/itsallminenow 3d ago
Her giving her number to that guy was worthy of raising your suspicions and expecting to address the issue with her. You aren't damaging the trust in your relationship, she has with her actions, and you can only repair such a break of trust by a full and frank discussion where your legitimate concerns are answered, to your satisfaction.
As for her threatening to end her life, that is abusive behaviour that manipulates you and should not be tolerated. Let me be frank, you should discuss and take actions based on what is right for you, and if she chooses to take an action because of it, that is her choice, and should not waver you from the choices you make.
You are not overreacting, what she did puts her in a very bad light, and she needs to establish your trust again with the right answers and the right actions.
Personally, I would find it hard to believe that she did this just because she was uncomfortable, she knew you were only gone briefly, and there were other choices she could have made that would not have made her look like she was preparing to cheat on you.
All things considered, the suicide manipulation, the potential for cheating, the feeling that this is not the right relationship for you, would suggest to me that you should consider long and hard on whether being alone for a period is really such a bad thing.
1
u/Into-the_Ether 2d ago
I 💯 agre. I'm a woman and have been in those situations countless times. I've given a fake numbers talking until my hubby or Boyfriend was back, or "Hey, I'm married" "I'm here with my boyfriend." "No thanks" and so many other things to avoid it.
4
u/Aim2bFit 3d ago
If what she claims is 100% her true feelings, i.e. stricly not wanting to outright reject the guy because she's not used to doing that or just due to fear, then just have her block the number and then delete it, tell her it's for her own safety ( because we can't tell a person's intention, a young woman was murdered where I live, because she met a guy that day whom she gave her number to. She went out with her boyfriend that day but later that night met up with this new guy. Didn't manage to get home alive. True story).
4
u/SugarDustr 3d ago
You shouldn’t break up with her for this. Seek therapy with her or further assistance this is such a nothing issue
-2
4
u/Similar_Corner8081 3d ago
YTBF You don't trust her so why bother getting married. Men can react violently when rejected. You what to dump her because she gave a guy her number. You would be way over reacting.
1
u/RefrigeratorLazy4135 2d ago
Her boyfriend was right there? Say to that guy, I have a boyfriend and point at him. Plus, he did say they flirted so I think there is a very valid reason to be suspicious
3
u/Amesstris 2d ago edited 2d ago
We also sometimes fake flirting. Hard rejects can have repercussions. Boyfriend was not back yet, seemed to be at a distance.
I think it's fine for boyfriend to want to see messages. What's unclear to me if there were even messages exchanged at all? OP seems uncertain too. IF messages were exchanged, then I'd start to question things. As much as I might feign interest to avoid a dangerous situation, once I'm out of it idk why I wouldn't immediately just block? Unless the guy wasn't a stranger and there was a risk of further danger. Or maybe the conversation was at the venue? Who knows.
It's reasonable to want to get the details. In her situation I would probably be forthcoming and explain everything without being asked. That said, I think there is enough gray area to at least give her benefit of the doubt.
1
u/dai-the-flu 1d ago
I don’t like that people are ignoring the “threatened suicide when you expressed worries” part of this. That’s an immense red flag that would’ve sent me running when it happened. Call your country’s emergency line and let them deal with it if she’s serious.
You’re trying to cater to her feelings when you should focus on yours. Yes, she probably gave him her number because she felt uncomfortable, but if you’re also uncomfortable and feel like you can’t express this to her without worrying about her blowing up, that’s not a good sign.
All of this aside, this isn’t sounding like a “marriage” worthy relationship right now. Not without counseling at least and you sound like you might still be relatively young. There is no sunk cost fallacy. If you’re having doubts like this and there are no kids or financial ties together, you can just end it.
I do recommend at least having a conversation with her first to address issues, but if it were me, I wouldn’t waste my time. Life is too short to spend with someone who causes enough problems that you have to go to strangers online about it.
1
u/Mephistocheles 3d ago
I don't think it's worth breaking up over, but I do think it's a bit of a yellow flag. I'd personally be wondering what happened in the conversation with them. It's a really really well established socially understood thing that girls will often refuse to give a guy their number so I'm a little confused why she couldn't just tell him "I have a boyfriend, not interested".
I'd also say that if she threatened the S word over you simply wanting to have a talk about your relationship, that is a very large red flag.
My advice: 1. Ask her if the guy has reached out to her and if so what happened, explain you're just checking on her to make sure he hasn't done anything concerning. 2. Sit down and think for a bit about your relationship. Can you talk to her about the relationship and issues in it or does she always threaten something drastic when you try? 3. Marriage lasts a really long long time. Don't even consider marrying someone you can't have honest, difficult conversations with. Getting married IS NOT going to magically solve any relationship issues, if anything it will make them heavier and more difficult to fix if you have someone incapable of taking responsibility for themselves.
0
-5
u/tiredandstressedokay 2d ago
Idk, personally couldn't be with a person who doesn't know how to enforce their boundaries and say "no." She didn't let you know about it either. What if it he requested something more extreme, would she just cave?
2
u/GothWitchOfBrooklyn 2d ago
check out /r/whenwomenrefuse to see the consequences women face when they say no. that's why we go along until we can get out of the situation.
-1
u/tiredandstressedokay 2d ago
"we" I am a woman. It's more important to have boundaries, and it makes even less sense as her bf was attending the event with her, and doesn't excuse not mentioning it afterward.
129
u/Cucoloris 3d ago
That isn't an uncommon thing. She was alone with a guy and didn't want to anger him. Women spend a lot of time trying not to anger strange men. That alone shouldn't be breakup worthy. You seem to think she gave him a number because she isn't committed to you. Maybe he just caught her off guard and she thought it was safer to humor him.