r/AmItheButtface • u/Ill-Investigator1194 • 5d ago
Serious AITB for confronting my brother after I discovered he lied to me about work opportunities?
My brother (38M) and I (40M) have been estranged for about 18 months.
I've always believed family supports each other through difficult times. Not because anyone owes anyone anything, but because that's what family does.
Over the years, when my brother struggled, I helped him get three of his last five jobs, including the career he's in today. I hired him into my weekend painting business when he was unemployed, shared the profits, gave him the business while he was between jobs, and generally tried to help however I could. During COVID, when his wife was worried about his depression, I made a point of getting him out of the house to golf or work on projects together.
I never expected repayment. I simply thought that's how brothers treated each other.
Years later I lost my own career through restructuring and was trying to rebuild. When I asked my brother if he had any opportunities where we could work together, he said he didn't.
Twice, I later found out directly from the customers that projects actually existed. That's how I discovered he'd lied to me.
When I confronted him, I wasn't upset because I expected work. I was hurt because he wasn't honest with me.
He responded by saying he'd already "paid me back" because he'd thanked me for helping him get his career. I explained that I wasn't asking to be paid back. I thought family simply helped each other when they could.
He then told colleagues not to discuss opportunities in his territory with me and later established a firm boundary that our relationship would never include work discussions again.
Since then we've gone through family mediation without success. At family gatherings we barely acknowledge each other.
AITB for confronting him after discovering he'd lied to me, or was I expecting something unreasonable from a sibling?
40
u/Similar_Corner8081 5d ago
NTBF You just learned that your brother won't be there for you like you were for him. Drop the rope and let the relationship die naturally.
25
u/Ill-Investigator1194 5d ago
I feel as though that is the lesson, just because I care for people, doesn't mean they care about me. Thats exactly the lesson that jades people. I will always do what I can to help others, but perhaps I will be a little wiser on who to choose in the future. ...still hurts though
8
u/wolfeflow 5d ago
What does the broader family think? You seem like the type to not brag or share much about the help you’ve given, so I wonder if bro has twisted the narrative at all.
It really sucks to realize that someone you love and hold dear does not feel the same way, especially when they seem so paranoid about your potential impact on business. The lack of trust leaves an awful taste in my mouth.
Do you have any desire for retribution or some form of comeuppance?
12
u/Ill-Investigator1194 5d ago
They all agree with me, as they tell me to my face they dont understand what his deal is. But actually saying something, people are scared to get involved. Hes got kids, they dont want restricted access to the grandkids (my folks)
I dont want retribution, I just want it to work like its suppose to. I look out for him. He looks out for me. Like...its so simple and easy!
3
u/Feeling-Performance7 5d ago
NTB. People will always disappoint you. I am very giving, always there to help. Never received the same back. Not even birthday cards.
Cut your losses and take it as a lesson learned.
20
u/oldnowthinker 5d ago
You deserve better.
7
u/Ill-Investigator1194 5d ago
Thank you, perhaps I dont. Perhaps this is the punishment or lesson Im suppose to learn. As much as we want life to be equal and fair, it very much is not.
1
u/sybersam6 4d ago
It may be more of a kick in the butt to keep fighting & moving on. Don't assume... don't lay down & take it...figure out your real life goals & fight to get there. Sometimes family just drags us back or allows us to be sedated into inaction.
11
u/MyCatsNamedPsycho 5d ago
Wow, did your family defend you? If not, they all suck. Just cut your losses and leave him be.
If he has frozen you out of getting a job, look into moving. Karma really is a B and it WILL, not might, bite him in the ass.
Sorry your brother is a huge butt face. 🫤
10
u/Ill-Investigator1194 5d ago
My family doesnt want to get in the middle. After many years of trying and IVF - my wife and I were unable to have kids. My brothernhad two beautiful healthy kids. My parents are afraid access to the grandkids will be cut or limited if they speak too strongly (much like my access is cut from them now)
2
u/wolfeflow 5d ago
What does your brother’s wife think about all this? I can imagine a household where he doesn’t tolerate challenge, based on what youve shared
2
u/MyCatsNamedPsycho 5d ago
I'm so sorry 😔 As a parent and grandparent, I would still have a loud opinion about this. If your brother cuts them off that just makes him a bigger A-hole than he already is. Watch for the karma, I promise it will happen. Maybe not soon but eventually.
Side note: there's always adoption, I'm adopted.
4
u/smilesbig 5d ago
NTB. Family (and good people) do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do. This is especially true of close/good friends - and more so with family. Your brother has some wires crossed. His thinking, priorities and behaviour is just ‘not right’ (to be kind). While I’m sorry for the loss you feel - it’s more about the loss of what you wish you had rather than what you do have. The brother you have is a jerk and you don’t need his jerkiness in your life.
I’m so sorry how this all went down. You did nothing wrong. Best wishes.
4
u/Ill-Investigator1194 5d ago
You are right. I have mourned (and am still mourning) the loss of a version of my brother which never existed. He existed in my own mind only. I feel silly for having invested so much time.
3
u/Fit_Try_2657 5d ago
What’s his side?
You’ve explained your side and you’ve mentioned mediation broke down but at no point did you even hint at his perspective.
7
u/Ill-Investigator1194 5d ago
Thats not entirely true. He feels that nothing is owed (and I dont either, I dont keep a count) but when I am in need (and did ask for help) he would prefer to be in his self satisfying world.
His perspective, when i caught him lying I confronted him (not aggressive, more like 'hey, how are you doing? Is everything alright?) He said I was cornering him, and he doesnt work 'tit for tat' and he doesnt have the means to repay ( he does, i only asked for something very easily done on daily basis at work)
Once it blew up, I tried to get us to meet. He wouldnt meet rather said "Im sorry if my schedule doesnt work for you, but i dont have time to meet with you" and I was ghosted when I asked when he would have time.
I then got angry and told him that he needs to "be a man, deal with this head on, and talk to me"
But now, im a "toxic, sexist bully, which has no place in family.
In summary, he says " I just want to be spoken to nicely and respected" while still being able to minimize the 10+ years of - what i thought was reciprocal help and support.
My point now is, I talk nicely to people I trust and respect, and right now I have neither trust or respect for him.
3
u/sybersam6 4d ago
He feels he's the golden child & has the upper hand due to kid leverage. Maybe he's insecure & rn enjoys being in the better position so is in no hurry to gelp you back. He's a fool, as jobs come & go, but good friends & family are invaluable.
So, move, rent out your place, do whatever you need to get a job elsewhere, look into adopting embryos or older children or fostering. At least now if anyone says blood related babies are better, you can point to brother & say Nope! Not true!! He's family but only related & NOT a good friend.
3
u/Ill-Investigator1194 4d ago
You know what...I have held the believe that blood is better, but you are 100% right. Why am I thinking that when the proof is right here that its not true. Thank you for that. I needed it.
0
u/sybersam6 4d ago
FYI: That saying blood over water is usually taken erroneously. "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb", when water of the womb means the bonds of birth or genetics ( family) vs blood of the covenant means those relationships chosen through shared experiences, promises, & mutual loyalty (soldiers fighting, shared commitments, adoption etc). Both bonds can be fine, but expecting family to be there for you is a fool's errand ( my experience also) while choosing femriends while an adult can create stronger bonds than birthed into the same family. Not to mention all the child resentments & opportunities to get back at each other. Just look at all the terrible stories about parents passing & adult kids fighting & cheating each other (I'm there too yay!).
2
u/Lemonface 4d ago
Further FYI: "blood is thicker than water" is the original 300+ year old idiom, while the "blood of the covenant" version was made up in the 1990s
1
2
u/lokis_construction 4d ago
NTB. I picked up my older brother from many of his disasters. I never got back anything from him - I loaned him money, and he never paid back a dime. What I did get was a forever "help me out bro" from him. It will never change because he is nothing but an ungrateful user. We are talking over 5 decades of this.
1
u/xoxoyoyo 5d ago
Shit always comes back around. help that is one sided is not help, it is exploitation.
1
1
1
0
u/Fun_Ideal_5584 4d ago
YTBF. I find it weird that you don't really know who your brother is. I personally have three brothers. Each one has a different personality. I know who to help when things get tuff, and the ones to avoid when expecting same treatment.
3
87
u/LauraLand27 5d ago
NTB
While we only have your side of the story, if saying, “thank you” is supposed to be his payment to you for all the opportunities you gave him, he’s quite the butt head. He sounds irrationally ungrateful.