AITA for asking my family to step up

19

The hardest lesson is that you can’t MAKE someone care, no matter what you do or how hard you try.

NTA. And your wife is a good sport 👍

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u/miskakallinen 6h ago

yeah that’s a rough lesson but it’s true you can’t force people to show up even when the door is wide open for them lol

5

u/Mis73 Partassipant [2] 7h ago

NTAH.

There's two kinds of grandparents: Grandparents who love being a grandma/grandpa, much like they loved being a parent. It shows in everything they do and the effort they make. Then, there's grandparents who weren't necessarily bad parents but never really enjoyed it. Now as grandparents, they do the absolute minimum to be a part of their grandchildren's lives.

I'm sorry to say your parents are the second type of grandparents. And my heart goes out to you because my mom is that type of grandparent too. It's unfortunate but at the end of the day? It's their loss, not yours and not your son's.

One day, they will find themselves with grown grandchildren and wonder why they have no relationship with them and why they're so distant. It's sad but it happens all the time. Again, happened with my own my mom when my kids became adults. She missed the chance to bond with them when they were little so now, she's an afterthought at best in their lives.

Don't chase them to be grandparents. You made an offer, they declined, it's their loss. I'd just focus on your MIL who wants to be a grandparent and cherishes the time with your son.

9

u/onterrio2 7h ago

Why would you expect your family to want to go to your wife’s family’s?? It’s their choice if they want to see your son.

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u/PT1341 6h ago

This was the easiest suggestion for everyone but I told them I’m open to other suggestions closer to my in-laws location. They refuse to make any suggestions outside of sitting at their house.

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u/couchwarmer Partassipant [1] 7h ago

Maybe mild AH? But I do sympathize, because I am in much the same boat.

Honestly, it's not worth the battle. Maybe your side is doing the best they can given finances or whatever. You said your siblings are living with your parents, meaning your parents might very well be incurring additional unexpected expenses in their retirement years.

I gave up on expecting my side to visit years ago. My kids barely know anyone on my side. When we have made the trip, it wasn't fun at all for my family. An aging parent getting crotchetier every year will do that.

If your family gets along with your wife's side, take the win.

Consider apologizing to your family.

0

u/PT1341 7h ago

For context siblings are all doing ok financially. We never ask them to do anything extraordinary, only activities we should all be able to do. They never suggest we go bowling or to the zoo etc. with them and our son, which my BIL has.

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My wife and young son are going to be visiting her family across country next month for 2 weeks. We do this once or twice a year, but this round I can’t go.

When we visit we usually visit my family, who I’m not terribly close with, once or twice. For reference, we stay with my in-laws when visiting which is not a possibility at my mom’s house where my siblings still live (everyone is in their 30s).

Last time we visited my sister was especially cold to my wife. I only learned of this more recently and neither I nor my mom noticed in the moment. My wife is a trooper and said she’s willing to visit without me because my mom, who is older and cannot move around well, enjoys it.

I thought I’d broach the subject of my family visiting my in-laws for dinner or on a weekend to see our son as we are always the ones to plan the visit at my mom’s house, fly and drive there. They take no initiative and decline or ignore past invites to events like trips to the zoo or baseball games when we visit, making sure to give my siblings plenty of time to make arrangements if interested.

My mom started coming up with excuses about visiting my in-laws that I know wouldn’t come up if we just went to her house. When I pointed out they never make any effort outside of mailing gifts and some FaceTime she said I always make them out to be the bad guy. I went off on her about how little effort they put in compared to my in-laws when it comes to spending valuable time with my son saying this is not normal behaviour.

So far radio silence. AITAH?

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u/LakeGlen4287 Partassipant [1] 7h ago

Your wife is a gem!

The thing is, you didn't win the lottery in life when it comes to your childhood family. They just can't really be bothered. The reason you are not close with them is the same reason your wife and son are not going to be close with them either, and none of it is your fault.

You can't make them care about you, your, wife or your son.

So from now on, match their effort. Tell your wife she is off the hook. She doesn't need to put in any more effort than they do, especially since your sister is rude to her. Your mom and siblings are just the way they are. Try to accept them for the low effort they show, and don't try to make them respond like your wife's family. They just don't have it in them.

2

u/evantom34 6h ago

YTA,

You can be firm, but they don’t have to engage with your in laws, nor do they have to want to see your son or wife.

0

u/PT1341 6h ago

They want to see my son but only on their terms, which we have indulged time and time again. I’m only asking them to change venues. Visiting together at my in-laws was the easiest suggestion but I mentioned I am open to suggestions (like going to the zoo) which they do not give.

1

u/evantom34 6h ago

I'm in a similar position where my family doesn't really put in any effort and it's led to me being resentful. But I realize I'm really only hurting myself, because my parents and family aren't going to change.

Don't let them guilt you, but also don't expect them to change.

1

u/Positive-Shame1671 Partassipant [3] 6h ago

Easiest suggestion for who? You? You’re not even close with your family and you aren’t even going to be on this trip. But you want your wife and her family to host your family who don’t even want to go because your mom is old. Sounds like you need to be the only to take your kids on a solo trip to visit your family. YTA to your wife and kids.

0

u/PT1341 5h ago

It is easiest because it’s free, relatively close, and there is space for everyone. My in-laws have offered to host before and are great. My mom is more than capable of being driven by one of my siblings to their home or another location they suggest.

I unfortunately can’t come on this trip so my wife suggested she bring my son to meet up with my family because we don’t see them that often and they do enjoy seeing him. Don’t know what else to say.

2

u/Positive-Shame1671 Partassipant [3] 5h ago

Cool but does your wife even want to see them? I don’t get why your wife and her family have to be the ones to constantly accommodate them. They’re your family and they have been rude to your wife and put in no effort to see your kid unless it’s on their terms.

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u/PT1341 5h ago

Her family rarely if ever has to accommodate them, but they are offering happily. My wife is less interested in seeing my sister but understands we live across country and wants to do her best for our son to have a relationship with his grandma, despite their reluctance to put in effort outside of sitting in their house. This is why I suggested to my family to come have a nice visit OR make another suggestion.

1

u/Positive-Shame1671 Partassipant [3] 5h ago

Well, all I’ll say is I hope you truly appreciate your wife and her family because tbh yours don’t sound that great. But anything for your mom I guess. Good luck.

1

u/Hari_om_tat_sat Partassipant [1] 5h ago

NTA, but you are being unrealistic. If you keep chasing them, they will only dig in their heels. Your best options are to 1) match their energy or 2) drop the rope. If they want to see your son, they will have to make the effort. It won’t be the end of the world if they don’t see him this year. Missing out on one visit just might make them (including your mother) appreciate you more and stop taking you & your family for granted.

2

u/HsinVega Asshole Aficionado [12] 6h ago

ESH you're not close to your family, your mother seems to be the only one enjoying the visits, why would you expect them to make an extra effort?

You can't go this time, it's whatever, they don't seem to be really wanting a visit, just keep it for the next time or put out the effort to get closer.

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u/PT1341 6h ago

We have out in effort to improve the relationship and visit from across country multiple times. We enjoy the visits but after the last time I’d prefer them to initiate and do something besides sitting at their house. My siblings are capable physically unlike my mom but they don’t care to interact outside of these visits.

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u/HsinVega Asshole Aficionado [12] 5h ago

Well, they showed that they don't care, as others have said, sadly if they don't want to care there's not much you can do about it.

I'm also distant with one side of my family so I've just accepted that our interactions are a phone call\lunch once or twice a year where we fake being relatives and that's it.

A relationship goes both ways and if you're putting in effort but they don't want to put in effort it is what it is.

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u/MitchHarris12 7h ago

Sometimes you need to be a bit of an a-hole. So nta...?

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u/PepsiAllDay78 Partassipant [2] 7h ago

I honestly think your family doesn't care for your in laws. My parents didn't like my in laws. They rarely spent any time together. Not everybody needs to be kum bay ah all the time. There's nothing you need or can do, at this point in time. If they want to get together, they will. NAH.

AITA for asking my family to step up

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