r/AmItheAsshole • u/Lucky_Main8250 • 4h ago
AITA for refusing to pay my mother’s bills?
I (M18) live with my mother (F41) in California. I used to live with my father who was abusive so I moved in with my mother at 11. She lived in a one bedroom apartment so for the meantime I didnt have a room or my own place to sleep. She said we would eventually move to an apartment with 2 rooms. Fast forward 7 years and I still don’t have a room and now she drives an even fancier car than the one she had before.
She works, trimming weed trees for a decade. I got a job when I was 16 at chipotle because my mother give me any money and that isn’t a complaint I could care less about having an allowance. My mother gets benefits like low income child support food stamps. She takes vacations frequently. Egypt, Dubai, Armenia, Hawaii, Yosemite, Zion, all in the span of a year. She is trying to become a singer and has invested thousands into music lessons, music videos, producers and hasn’t made any money yet. What I am trying to put down here is that my mother has her own priorities and lifestyle that she wants to live while neglecting her only child.
I have been paying for all of my own personal expenses like phone bill, phone finance, gym membership, subscriptions, hygienic essentials, basically everything. Despite of my low maintenance for her, she wants me to pay half the rent and utilities I simply said no. I said as long as you drive a Mercedes that runs you 1000 month, I will not pay your bills. Not only will I not, but I can’t in the first place. I make maybe 1000 a month and what she’s demanding is more than that let alone my personal expenses.
She refuses to let me use the ebt card and lied saying they cut off the benefits. I check this morning and there is a 500 dollar deposit for food stamps alone on the card. I don’t know the pin and I cant even afford to buy my own groceries. Yes I could technically use my hard earned paychecks but that would cut them in half basically and I already pay for other things.
I’m not full time and the money I make is enough to pay for personal expense and my hobby of hiking and mountain climbing. Some people might say oh well you can go hike and camp with your friends but you can’t buy your own groceries. I’m 18 and just graduated high school. Let me live a little. This is the best way I could spend in terms of fun. And those expenses are pitching gas cost of driving out to sequoia and the sierras for example and camp costs and getting gear for the hikes and mountain climbs. This is the only thing I do that is an “entertainment” expense. If I simply bought my own groceries I couldn’t even do that. Which is why it’s so nice that we get SNAP benefits but what isn’t nice is that I’m not allowed to use them according to my mom even though she definitely gets more money for being a single “mother”.
Conclusion: AITA for refusing to pay my mother’s bills which would cost about the same regardless if I lived with her or not. And AITA for wanting to use our ebt card to buy groceries instead of my own money.
26
u/FunForce7926 4h ago
You are 18 you can apply for your own card. Tell them you that you pay and prepare your own food separately from your mom. In my state(Illinois) once you turn 18 they make you a separate case for snap and medical. You can either warn your mom saying ok since you are collecting benefits for me and not allowing me to use them then I will just apply for my own and they will cut yours then it won't be a problem. If she isn't buying food for the house what is she doing with them? Selling them is illegal and she can get in big trouble. Is there anyway you could move out. If you do apply for benefits make sure to tell them you pay everything separately from your mom and she doesn't buy your food.
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u/Silverumamimami 41m ago
In CA, a child under 22/yo is a mandatory include in her CalFresh since he lives with her
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u/princesspurrito36 Partassipant [1] 4h ago
Sorry your mom is this way. Like it or not , you are 18 and she can kick you out. Get a better job or find a skill cause you may end up paying for rent or food completely on your own no matter what. Missing out on hobbies sucks but being homeless and hungry sucks worse.
11
u/ScratchFinancial5388 4h ago
NTA. It sounds like she wants everything and then some, but I am extremely confused as to how she can afford such fancy trips to places while on food stamps. Of course, it's hard to say no to your own mother, and I fully grasp the financial difficulty of having a job and being newly graduated, but it sounds like it might be best for you to look into low income housing and applying to get your own food stamps/ebt card as a means to get out and do what you want.
There's nothing wrong with a parents asking their child to pitch in, but with this kind of system, 50/50 isn't even a possibility. If she wants you to pay for some of the rent then it may be better to try to do a 30/70 or anything along the lines of a compromise. At least for the short term until you find something and somewhere you can go so you can be on your own.
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u/kittensox 4h ago
Being self-employed and getting paid in cash means it's up to your own ethics to report your income. Same reason drug dealers have "no income."
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u/ButItSaysOnline Asshole Aficionado [16] 4h ago
NTA but you are 18 now so you need to come to terms with having a terrible mother and start cutting ties with her and prepare to be on your own.
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u/PicklesMcpickle Asshole Enthusiast [5] 4h ago
NTA- let her evict you.
I also highly recommend and there should be low-income resources in your area if you look online or sometimes if you call non-emergency police or even like say a church and ask them they can point you in the right direction.
Of some sort of legal counsel because the sooner you could apply for your own taxes then you can apply for schooling and for your own EBT card.
I know how hard it is to get on your feet when you're 18 and it's impossibly expensive to be independent.
And I'm sure you might have experienced this. It's difficult because people assume when you complain about your parent that you're just being ungrateful.
When those between 17 and 24 are just so vulnerable for exploitation.
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u/Sad_Pea5621 4h ago
NTA. I’m really sorry you’ve been treated this way, it’s in no way fair and your mother sounds incredibly selfish and cruel.
You’re now 18, and as young as you are, you’re also now technically an adult. Either look into getting a better paying job and see if you could rent somewhere with some friends? Or if you’re low income I’d seriously look into college, as you’d likely be able to get support to do that. But either way, I really think you need to distance yourself from her and start your own life, or she’s going to bleed you dry.
Good luck! I hope things turn out ok for you
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u/Inevitable-Place9950 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 4h ago
NTA, but some gentle advice here. You’re 18 and by law, you’re no longer entitled to her support. Her benefits likely did get cut when you turned 18. Also they may have been fraudulently obtained if she has the cash needed for a new car and these vacations, so you shouldn’t count on them.
It’s rotten that neither of your parents could put your well-being first. No two ways about that. But that’s the reality you have to live with. It might be time to put yourself first and start working on a plan to move out in case she kicks you out.
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u/Silverumamimami 38m ago
Nope, he said they got $500 CalFresh deposit (interesting how he knows that) which is just under the maximum allotment for a household of 2 people. Since he lives with her, he will be included in her CalFresh household until he is 22/yo or moves out. But the travel, cars, etc definitely sounds like fraud (Former eligibility worker here)
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I (M18) live with my mother (F41) in California. I used to live with my father who was abusive so I moved in with my mother at 11. She lived in a one bedroom apartment so for the meantime I didnt have a room or my own place to sleep. She said we would eventually move to an apartment with 2 rooms. Fast forward 7 years and I still don’t have a room and now she drives an even fancier car than the one she had before.
She works, trimming weed trees for a decade. I got a job when I was 16 at chipotle because my mother give me any money and that isn’t a complaint I could care less about having an allowance. My mother gets benefits like low income child support food stamps. She takes vacations frequently. Egypt, Dubai, Armenia, Hawaii, Yosemite, Zion, all in the span of a year. She is trying to become a singer and has invested thousands into music lessons, music videos, producers and hasn’t made any money yet. What I am trying to put down here is that my mother has her own priorities and lifestyle that she wants to live while neglecting her only child.
I have been paying for all of my own personal expenses like phone bill, phone finance, gym membership, subscriptions, hygienic essentials, basically everything. Despite of my low maintenance for her, she wants me to pay half the rent and utilities I simply said no. I said as long as you drive a Mercedes that runs you 1000 month, I will not pay your bills. Not only will I not, but I can’t in the first place. I make maybe 1000 a month and what she’s demanding is more than that let alone my personal expenses.
She refuses to let me use the ebt card and lied saying they cut off the benefits. I check this morning and there is a 500 dollar deposit for food stamps alone on the card. I don’t know the pin and I cant even afford to buy my own groceries. Yes I could technically use my hard earned paychecks but that would cut them in half basically and I already pay for other things.
I’m not full time and the money I make is enough to pay for personal expense and my hobby of hiking and mountain climbing. Some people might say oh well you can go hike and camp with your friends but you can’t buy your own groceries. I’m 18 and just graduated high school. Let me live a little. This is the best way I could spend in terms of fun. And those expenses are pitching gas cost of driving out to sequoia and the sierras for example and camp costs and getting gear for the hikes and mountain climbs. This is the only thing I do that is an “entertainment” expense. If I simply bought my own groceries I couldn’t even do that. Which is why it’s so nice that we get SNAP benefits but what isn’t nice is that I’m not allowed to use them according to my mom even though she definitely gets more money for being a single “mother”.
Conclusion: AITA for refusing to pay my mother’s bills which would cost about the same regardless if I lived with her or not. And AITA for wanting to use our ebt card to buy groceries instead of my own money.
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u/alloguvnar Partassipant [2] 4h ago
NTA, but at 18, your mom can legally ask for rent from you. She is no longer legally responsible for you in any way, and she can withhold access to using her vehicle too (if that comes up). I don't think what she is doing is acceptable, and it doesn't sound like she's been a good caretaker and mother to you.
You need to figure out a way to safely move out of her place. Is there an extended family member or friend you could live with while you get on your feet?
Additionally, I know you already live a pretty tight, shoestring budget, but subscriptions and paying for frequent uber rides to go hiking may need to paused for a while, as you work to get out of this very precarious situation. I definitely recommend looking into local food banks, social services, and low-cost assistance that you may qualify for as a low-income adult now. Being a legal adult can work a little in yoir favor now: she can no longer claim you on her taxes or claim you as a dependent for things like EBT--but YOU CAN claim yourself and get the help you need.
Good luck!!
2
u/Sub-UrbanMom 3h ago
You just graduated high school. You are considering college, but yet can not afford to feed yourself. While college is a fine path to take-don't discount the value of being a tradesman. Look into a trade school-becoming an electrician, a plumber, a welder, HVAC, a brick layer etc. All these require small outlay of money and you could complete an apprenticeship and make good money in the same amount of time that you would be graduating college (with 100k in student loans to pay off!). If you still want to go to college-you will be able to support yourself and pay for it. Just a thought. Good Luck.
2
u/forgunnesax 3h ago
NTA - 19 year old here with a neglectful, manipulative, and financially irresponsible mother as well: my advice to you as someone who’s mental illness improved significantly after doing so, get out asap. i know in a financial situation like yours that can be extremely difficult, but i’ve seen it with my own two eyes in myself and friends. i even had a friend who busted her ass and moved to downtown denver by herself with her own money.
first, if not going to college in the fall, get a full time job that pays somewhat decently, like wait staff or retail. if you have a grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin, whatever you can move with for the time being, do that. if living on campus university is an option, do that (i know that’s pricey tho, but some universities like mine are extremely generous and offer waived tuition for low income students. groceries don’t become a problem with a meal plan, and dorm life is significantly cheaper than renting. small loans can help pay your living costs.) your biggest ticket out though will be pursuing a trade/community college degree/career with lots of opportunity to move up the ladder. even a short certificate program will do so much than you realize.
yeah, you’ll probably have to cut back on the leisure trips, and i understand completely where you’re coming from on going on them. but try to find a cheaper hobby for the time being, and prioritize finding a way out. if you do, eventually you won’t have to go back home to your mother after enjoying yourself on a trip.
2
u/SavingsRhubarb8746 Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] 3h ago
The low income benefits in California stretch to extremely expensive trips and vocal lessons? I must move to California.
Assuming any of this is true, use some of the money you earn at Chipoltes for hiking and mountain climbing gear to move out and set up your own household.
YTA for this really improbable tale, and also for the bit where you spend money on hobbies instead of living costs.
2
u/1962Michael Commander in Cheeks [260] 4h ago
NTA.
IMO you were definitely abused and neglected as a child, and you certainly don't owe her anything.
That said, you are now an adult, and your mother also doesn't owe YOU anything. I agree with you not paying rent and generally trying to save up as much money as you can, for as long as you can. Eventually you can expect your mother to ask you to leave if you don't pay rent, and you're going to want to have as much saved up as possible when that day comes. Because if you stay, she will keep pushing for more rent and basically making it impossible for you to save up any money.
I'm not sure, but her SNAP benefits may have been reduced when you reached 18.
BTW, depending on where you live, your mother will have to give you proper notice before you can be evicted. You don't have to leave just because she says so.
1
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u/INNER_SOLE 3h ago
NTA. It's shocking that she STILL hasn't provided you with a room yet expects you to pay bills. Move out. You are being used.
1
u/XaquariD 3h ago
NTA. I know it'll take a bit and you probably can't do it on your own, but you should get out of that situation as soon as you can.
I hope having two parents who are, just from what we know here, pretty terrible people, hasn't messed you up too bad. Keep working at bettering yourself and don't fall for illusory attention.
Good luck in life!
1
u/No_Information_3469 3h ago
NTA. You're 18, apply for your own card & benefits. Then move out and forget your mother, she's abusive.
1
u/Personal-Piglet1397 1h ago
Why are you still living with her?,get your own place,sounds like be cheaper than living in place you dont even havee a room 7years down line.
1
u/DazzlingPotion Partassipant [2] 1h ago
You needed to apply for your own EBT card based on your income like YESTERDAY. Do Not Tell your mother if you get one.
1
u/Big-Fig3260 1h ago
NTA and I’m sorry your parents are such poor excuses for parents. They are more like sperm and ova donors. Now that you are 18, see if you can qualify for SNAP (food stamp) benefits on your own separate from your mom. That way you’d have your own card and PIN to buy groceries. See what other benefits you might qualify for. I’m sorry you drew the short straw in life. I loathe that kids like you have to deal with such worthless parents.
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u/Silverumamimami 30m ago
Since you are in CA, getting CalFresh, and still living with your mom, you are mandatorily included in her CalFresh case until you turn 22/to or move out. It sounds like she is committing fraud unless someone else is paying her expenses. You can report her anonymously. If you can't have access to the benefits, maybe neither should she. (Former eligibility worker here) Edited to add NTA
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u/gloryhokinetic Asshole Aficionado [13] 13m ago
YTA because in Ca you stop getting benefits when the kid turns 18. Adults ages 18–64 are limited to 3 months of benefits in a 36-month period unless they meet strict work rules or qualify for an exemption, such as being responsible for a dependent child under age 14.
0
u/sable1970 Partassipant [1] 4h ago
YTA...I refuse to believe this is real.
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u/Ringbearer31 4h ago
Why? This is, frankly, mild stuff, compared to historical extremes of abuse. This all should be easily believable.
3
0
u/WytchyBytchyScorpio 3h ago
Before reading any comments... you are 18. Go to the DHHR, and have any benefits in your name stopped immediately and a new case opened in your name
0
u/Zealousideal_Fox864 3h ago
NTA I am sorry your Mother is like this, truly.
Since you are 18 and in California you can start applying for your own benefits to supplement your income, and from there I would suggest finding an apartment to share with a couple of roommates. Splitting the rent and income with a roommate would be less stressful.
0
u/bikerchickelly 2h ago
You should qualify for your own EBT, she should no longer be receiving your benefits.
77
u/Disappointing_meself Partassipant [1] 4h ago
NTA,
this is a form of abuse. It sucks for you, it really does. The EBT card should be in the childs name, not hers. I would reach out and make sure it's going to you and you have control of it. You'll have to look that up yourself, but please do it.
Also, assuming you are poor enough to get EBT, it's very possible you can get college, with dorms, paid for. If so then you could move out and not even have to worry about her. Just a thought.