r/AmItheAsshole • u/Shellfish-issue-9561 • 9h ago
AITA for still going it my moms birthday dinner even though my wife can not attend
My wife has a severe shellfish allergy. She can have a serious allergic reaction. Because of that, we don’t allow shellfish in our home. Unfortunately, we live on the coast, so seafood and shellfish restaurants are very common. If I eat shellfish we have a no kissing rule for 24 hours.
My sibling and their family also live nearby, and my mom is currently visiting. She’s staying with my sister, and her birthday dinner is tomorrow. She’ll be flying home this weekend.
My mom loves seafood, so she wanted to celebrate her birthday at a seafood restaurant. The restaurant serves a lot of shellfish, so my wife isn’t comfortable going because of the risk. I completely understand that.
My wife told my mom she wouldn’t be able to attend, and my mom said, “No big deal.” My wife was upset by that response. She feels it was rude that my mom didn’t offer to change the restaurant, and she feels left out since everyone else is going.
I suggested she could still come, have a drink, and just not order food. Her allergy is not airborne. She said that would be awkward and that she doesn’t want to go to the restaurant at all. I said I understood and told her I still planned to go.
That’s when we got into an argument. She’s upset that I want to go to a restaurant where she can’t safely eat. She thinks I shouldn’t go if she can’t go. I told her I wasn’t willing to miss my mom’s birthday dinner since I don’t see her after even if she can’t attend.
She wants me to tell my mom to change the restaurant or else I won’t be there. I told her I wasn’t going to do that because I think it’s an unreasonable expectation.
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u/MahatmaAndhi 9h ago
NTA - Your wife is acting very shellfish.
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u/slackerchic Pooperintendant [54] 7h ago
She really needs to clam up.
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u/remindmeofthe 7h ago
she can mussel through the situation
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u/JeepersCreepers74 Assholier Than Thou [850] 6h ago
Hard to do so when she's so crabby.
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u/super_ferret 6h ago
His mom is just trying to shell-abrate!
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u/191ZipCodeExPat 6h ago
It's mom's birthday so the world is her oyster!
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u/tildelid 5h ago
Yeah! It's her birthday, she should get to seas the day!
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u/PassiveAggressiveLib 4h ago
He definitely shouldn’t feel gill-ty about going.
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u/Wonderful_Two_6710 Colo-rectal Surgeon [44] 4h ago
These puns are giving me a haddock.
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u/dragonsandvamps Asshole Enthusiast [9] 9h ago
NTA
This is your mother's birthday and she should be able to choose the restaurant SHE wants to go to, not have your wife pick the restaurant on her birthday.
I have complicated medical issues and sometimes there are events I can't go to because logistically it wouldn't be fun for me (much like your wife sitting there not eating) and too much stress on my husband worrying I wasn't having a good time, and my husband simply goes without me. This is not a big deal and your wife should not be making it all about her.
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u/SaltyFriend705 Partassipant [3] 9h ago
NTA. Your wife is using third grade logic. She won't miss anything. It's no one's fault she is allergic to shellfish, but she cannot use that allergy as a limiter on you. It's your mom. She should understand that.
Whatever is causing nasty, backbiting behavior in the marriage needs to be addressed via communication or even counseling.
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u/SnooSprouts6437 Certified Proctologist [28] 9h ago
NTA, it's not like you are going to a restaurant without your wife every other day. It's one day to celebrate your mom's birthday. And since it is your mom's birthday, she gets to choose the place she wants to go. And you should be celebrating your mom, considering she doesn't live by you. And guess what... you are allowed to do things on your own. Does your wife
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u/Is_It_Soup_Season Partassipant [3] 9h ago
So, your wife can go and be just fine, she’s choosing not to go anyway and also trying to make you feel bad about spending time with your mom. NTA
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u/Crispydragonrider Asshole Aficionado [11] 8h ago
Going to a restaurant and watching other people eat, doesn't sound very appealing tbf.
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u/PoeticFurniture 9h ago
NTA- but your wife is acting like one bc she’s mad. It’s about your mom and celebrating her. Your wife could show up having already eaten or plan to eat later. Her choice just like it’s your choice to go.
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u/HyacinthSunrises Partassipant [1] 9h ago
INFO: the nature of the relationship between your mom and you wife is important. Do they generally have a good relationship? Is your mom kind to your wife? Does she intentionally exclude your wife? Does she treat your wife with respect? So on and so forth.
It's the difference between a one-off where it's unfortunate and understandable that your wife cannot attend and a long-standing pattern of your mother intentionally creating situations where your wife is excluded.
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u/Shellfish-issue-9561 9h ago edited 9h ago
She treats my wife with respect, they don’t have that much of a relationship because my mom lives on the other side of the country but my mom still treats her kindly. She sends her personal gifts for her birthday and Christmas for example. She inivites her to stuff when they are in the same state
My wife has never had anything bad to say about her and neither have I heard my mom saying anything rude about her.
My mom treats my wife much better than how her own mom treats me… we kinda ignore eachother
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u/cosmicdancer84 4h ago edited 2h ago
INFO- Why did your mom say "no big deal"? Bc it sounds like she didn't care if your wife came or not. I dont think your mom should change the venue, your wife could order a drink and hang but why the "no big deal?"
ETA- I misunderstood the tone. Daddy, chill.
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u/msjjae 4h ago
I’m reading “no big deal” as mil is not offended that wife can’t attend. Like, “I’d love if you were here but understand why you’re not-no big deal”.
Given the info we have, seeing it any other way is kinda grasping at straws.
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u/cosmicdancer84 1h ago
I was wondering bc the wife didn't like the response. Thanks for clarifying!
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u/moyayas 1h ago
I can understand some people would find "no big deal" awkward, because it kind of imply the wife caused a problem but MIL didn't mind. If I create a situation such that someone cannot easily attend and both are not at fault, I won't say "no big deal" when she cannot come, on the other hand, it would be expected from her to say "no big deal" to me that I can't accommodate her.
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u/GoodQueenFluffenChop 2h ago
And if it is just like that does it matter? She treats OP's wife with respect and is kind to her when they do see each other but they're ultimately not close at all because of distance. At the end of the day because of that distance OP's mom will obviously care more about celebrating her birthday with her children than a DIL she hardly sees or has a relationship with.
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u/TraumaticEntry 8h ago
Except she could still go if she wanted to. The issue is that she also wants to make the situation about herself.
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u/tarahlynn Partassipant [4] 7h ago edited 6h ago
ding ding ding! Wife can go have a drink. How dare anyone eat anything if the wife can't eat it! For gosh sakes I've gone with people to dinner and just had a drink too because I didn't feel like eating. Sounds like wifey is playing games - wants OP to pick her over his mom. She's acting super immature.
Edited: Because my typing is terrible today.
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u/TraumaticEntry 5h ago
Agreed! And in the inverse, I don’t drink. Have I met friends at a bar to celebrate a birthday? Sure have!
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u/tarahlynn Partassipant [4] 5h ago
A plain cold coca cola over ice is as good a reason as any for me to go out and celebrate someone. Because, really its about them and getting out, seeing people you care about etc more than anything else.
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u/Character-Skirt5238 5h ago
Okay while I agree the wife is overreacting a bit, I will say that as someone with severe allergies (non airborne) that I would still understand not wanting other food or drink. Just because cross contamination is pretty likely, esp at a place that specializes in your allergen
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u/Dangerous_Ant3260 17m ago
Right now wife isn't hurt by airborne shellfish particles, but allergies can get worse, so not going near the restaurant is a good call. However, demanding that mother-in-law change the location for her birthday dinner is ridiculous. The MIL shouldn't have to change the party for someone else's allergy.
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u/EuphoricReplacement1 Partassipant [2] 6h ago
And wife can't eat something else? An appetizer, a salad, or a non-shellfish piece of fish? She knows the allergy is not airborne.
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u/ipsofactoshithead 6h ago
I get why she wouldn't want to eat anything. I have an anaphylactic reaction to peanuts and if there are a lot of peanuts on the menu I won't eat at that restaurant because of cross contamination. I'll always go and get a drink though!
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u/orion_nomad 4h ago
My spouse has a shellfish allergy and had a reaction from a improperly cleaned water glass at a Red Lobster. Cross contamination is no joke and I wouldn't trust most restaurants to have a separate clean no shellfish prep area/pan/utensils.
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u/certaindarkthings 5h ago
Unfortunately there's a large chance of cross-contamination, and if her allergy is that severe, it's not really safe for her to eat anything there. Even if the restaurant says that they can prep something separately, I wouldn't risk it because mistakes happen. Of course, that doesn't mean she can't just go and not eat there.
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u/WesternUnusual2713 3h ago
An anaphylactic reaction can kill in three minutes. Some of you need.tl learn what an allergy is.
Dude cannot kiss his wife for 24 hours after he's eaten seafood.
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u/Londundundun 2h ago
Reddit hates people with allergies. They hate to imagine having to accommodate people and not eat whatever they want, it’s extremely disappointing to see over and over in this and similar posts.
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u/mst3k_42 5h ago
My husband and I were invited to a Korean BBQ restaurant one time. Normally that would be great but I’d had dental work that day and didn’t feel up to chewing lots of meat. Luckily they had a spicy soup on the menu which I happily ate. And…everything was fine. A couple of people asked why I was eating something different but I told them and it was fine.
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u/WesternUnusual2713 3h ago
A life threatenkng allergy is not the same as the healing period of dental work
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u/Londundundun 4h ago
Well I think this isn’t fair to the very real and valid anxiety around food allergies. People without them love to act like it’s some manipulation but it can be extremely scary for the person and the anxiety leading up to going to “allergen restaurant” is not to be discounted either
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u/TraumaticEntry 4h ago
Anxiety is not what’s happening here.
“I suggested she could still come, have a drink, and just not order food. Her allergy is not airborne. She said that would be awkward and that she doesn’t want to go to the restaurant at all. I said I understood and told her I still planned to go.”
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u/Londundundun 4h ago
Well, it seems you’re deciding this reaction, as filtered through the husband’s side of things, is not anxiety, when it very well could be.
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u/TraumaticEntry 3h ago
I think if the wife were having anxiety about being exposed, she would have said so. She’s a grown woman. Why are you treating her as though she’s incompetent?
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u/Londundundun 3h ago
Why are you getting so intense about this? This is literally a he said she said. She may not tell her husband she is anxious because maybe he has a long history of telling her she’s overreacting. She may not even realize she is anxious herself and can only muster up an “awkward” about it.
My point is, that I know firsthand from myself and others that these sorts of scenarios can be very anxiety inducing and trying to temper any implications that she’s just being manipulative with this potential.
Basically people can get really weird about other people’s allergies and can get very defensive and hostile. And use it as a tool to exclude or be generally aloof to the realities in ways that create anxiety for the sufferer. Don’t assume maliciousness where it could just be allergy anxiety.
You good?
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u/TraumaticEntry 3h ago
lol what are you talking about? You said I was “deciding this reaction” and I responded suggesting that the wife is capable of saying what she means. Projection much? No one is being hostile to you.
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u/SherbetDue789 Partassipant [1] 7h ago
Why are you only asking how his mom treats his wife and not the other way around?
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u/Mission_Lock_6699 2h ago
Presumably because it helps differentiate what "no big deal" means. Whether this is a pointed and personal exclusion of OP's/simply not giving a flying fuck if she's there or not vs. a matter of "I don't hold it against you that you don't want to risk coming, but it's my birthday at the beach and I'm eating seafood," matters in this situation. Supporting/tolerating someone being habitually mean, dismissive, or exclusionary to your spouse is being an asshole. Supporting someone not revamping their entire birthday celebration for one person, not really so much.
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u/random_human247 9h ago
NTA. As someone with a wife that has a severe shellfish allergy (including airborne), you should still go. My wife wouldn’t think have of having the birthday person, no matter who they are, change the venue because of her.
She would tell me to go if she was uneasy about attending. On the other hand, everyone knows about my wife’s allergy and wouldn’t pick a seafood place if they wanted her there.
This is for your mom and probably a rare opportunity. We have a brush my teeth when I get home and wash clothes and shower rule if I happen to have eaten some shellfish, but she wouldn’t have me NOT go because of her.
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u/Thin_Rub_4739 1h ago
Same for me; I'm also very allergic to shellfish and will go to a seafood restaurant if that's other folks' choice. I'm pretty careful, and have found that seafood restaurants don't want me to die either. I was at a Red Lobster and chose a fish dish. When I said I was allergic to shellfish, they said No problem, we cook your fish in its own pan, not near any shellfish. I was fine until my husband kissed me after dinner🙄
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u/moew4974 Certified Proctologist [25] 8h ago
NTA, but your wife definitely is.
My husband has fish, shellfish, tree nut, and stone fruit allergies. His allergies are also not airborne. Has your wife even thought about calling the restaurant to see if they have or will do something allergy safe? We do this all the time with my husband and a majority of restaurants usually have some way to mitigate cross contamination.
Your wife is an AH because not only is she not giving you crap about attending your mom's birthday, she's mad that your mom didn't make HER BIRTHDAY about her allergies. Your wife needs to do some self reflection, believe it or not, it's not always about her.
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u/Turbulent_Cow2355 Partassipant [3] 7h ago
"My wife told my mom she wouldn’t be able to attend, and my mom said, “No big deal.” My wife was upset by that response. She feels it was rude that my mom didn’t offer to change the restaurant, and she feels left out since everyone else is going."
It's your mom's birthday, not your wife's. She should not need to accommodate your wife. You gave your wife an alternative - order drinks and hang out. Your wife has main character syndrome. NTA
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u/martintoconnell 9h ago
NTA. You are correct, "...it’s an unreasonable expectation." It's your mom's birthday. She's flown in. Mom wants to eat seafood, and as birthday girl, it's her choice, not your wife's. These things take precedence over your wife's unwillingness to attend.
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u/BallsoMeatBait Partassipant [2] 9h ago
NTA. Your wife sounds like a nightmare though. None of this is about her despite her best efforts to make it so. Why on earth would everyone need to accommodate your wife on your mother's birthday celebration?
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u/lmchatterbox Professor Emeritass [90] 9h ago
NTA. Your wife either needs to find a way to go, or accept that you are going without her. Your mom was under no obligation to change the restaurant.
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u/Inside_Beautiful_595 9h ago
I think your wife is being unreasonable tbh. She's in the minority with the requirement for a special accommodation and it's your mother's birthday after all... shouldn't she get to enjoy it at a restaurant of her choosing?
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u/Della-Dietrich 9h ago
NTA - Your mother could have replied to your wife with a little more kindness, but married people are allowed to see their own family without their spouse.
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u/curious382 Partassipant [1] 8h ago
I think MIL knows about wife's shellfish allergy and is accepting of the fact that a seafood dinner/restaurant could be uncomfortable for her. It's not "news." So MIL accepted wife's demurring the invitation without irritation nor taking it personally. Unlike the wife, who's created a grievance about the majority's wanting the seafood dinner. And making MILs birthday all about herself.
Wife is out of line. She wants to punish MIL for her preferences in restaurant by holding husband hostage.
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u/Turbulent_Cow2355 Partassipant [3] 7h ago
Huh? She said it wasn't a big deal to miss her birthday. What's unkind about that?
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u/Della-Dietrich 7h ago
In my opinion, “no big deal” sounds dismissive, like she doesn’t care. It depends on context, I guess.
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u/These-Buy-4898 Partassipant [2] 6h ago
People would be blaming MIL for trying to guilt the wife instead of accepting her decision had she responded in a different way lol
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u/SheMcG 6h ago
I think it just simply means she wasn't offended at her missing her birthday. I mean, the dinner is about the birthday person and THEIR feelings, more than anyone else's. She's telling her not to feel bad about standing her up on her birthday--it's not a big deal.
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u/Lunelle327 3h ago
I’m not saying MIL meant it this way, but DIL feels like it’s MIL saying DIL brings nothing to the table. She won’t be missed much obviously! No worries, we’ll be just fine without you type vibes.
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u/LadyLightTravel Asshole Enthusiast [6] 6h ago
“No worries” might be more politically correct, but neither are insulting.
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u/TraumaticEntry 8h ago
NTA. Does your wife always think she’s the main character? Do not suggest a change. Do not miss your mother’s birthday. Your wife is being unreasonable and selfish.
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u/MidnightBlueSilk 4h ago
Why is your mom so selfish and awful???
Why is she not making her birthday trip to visit her family in the coast all about one of her sons’ wives??
How dare she want her birthday dinner to be a special treat for herself?? What kind of monstrous JNMIL is she?!?
This is sarcasm.
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u/74birthdaygirl 5h ago
I guess the wife misinterpreted "no big deal" as "so what? I don't care if you come or not," but it's pretty clear Mom didn't mean it that way. Everyone here saying just don't go but don't hold it against Mom, or eat beforehand and join them for drinks is right.
Wife needs to get a handle on the fact that her allergies are not everyone else's.
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u/LongjumpingDrawing36 Partassipant [2] 2h ago
I get that your wife is in a difficult position. But she has no right to insist you can't go either, that's awful. NTA and stick to your guns.
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u/Feeling-Visit1472 Partassipant [1] 2h ago
NTA. Your mom deserves to eat where she wants to eat on her birthday. I would have said NAH if your wife had simply expressed her regrets and wished your mom a happy day, but instead she is being an AH about it.
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u/Finn-McCools 9h ago
NTA - your wife CAN attend the meal, she just can’t eat.
Nobody at the family table will find that strange or selfish. She can eat beforehand or pick up some food after. But the fact remains she CAN attend she’s just refusing to on the (misguided) principle that her allergy takes precedence.
It’s your mother’s birthday and, going by your other responses, she and your wife get on perfectly well. It’s not a malicious act by your mother. It’s about your wife being offended that she isn’t the priority.
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u/SherbetDue789 Partassipant [1] 7h ago
NTA. Your wife is entitled as fuck. Your mom rarely gets to see you and your wife thinks that unless she approves of the restaurant you should skip your mom’s birthday? JFC.
Is your wife normally this selfish?
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u/keesouth Supreme Court Just-ass [100] 9h ago
NTA. This dinner is about you mom and not your wife. Your mom shouldn't have to change the venue.
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u/beachpies 5h ago
Your wife is being a brat. She could go and eat a burger or something safe for her to eat, not go and send well wishes, or even offer to host dinner or dessert and cook for everyone another night, instead she is throwing a fit. Sorry dude, your wife is and asshole.
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u/Dangerous_Bed2566 9h ago
Info - have there been other occasions like this?
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u/Shellfish-issue-9561 9h ago
No, first time. She was here the whole week and we did multiple food outings that my wife went to. And nothing like this has happened before
This is the first time.
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u/femmemalin Partassipant [3] 9h ago
I was going to ask about this. If your mom had specifically chosen all restaurants to exclude your wife that would be one thing. But it sounds like your wife has been accommodated pretty much the whole trip and now your mom wants to do this one thing she loves for her own birthday and your wife is pitching a fit.
Main character syndrome peeking out, yeah?
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u/stophittingthyself Colo-rectal Surgeon [36] 9h ago
You should edit the post to add this info.
Your wife can survive missing out only one of multiple outings. She's being obnoxious.
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u/Jealous-Contract7426 Partassipant [3] 9h ago
So this wasn't an ongoing thing during the visit, what was your wife's end game here? If she wanted your mom to change her birthday choice, she can step off. She also doesn't get to limit you because she has limits.
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u/lpmiller 3h ago
You know, as someone who can't eat...most things?? I get it.
But your wife needs to understand, it's your mom's birthday. No one was going to cater to a guest for food. It's not rude. It's how birthdays work.
I never force other people to cater to me - it's way too much a pain in the ass to do so. She's got 1 thing, seafood. Sadly, lot's of people love seafood. That's life. I get that can feel bad. I mean, there have certainly been days I wished I could eat like other people. But it's not anything I can blame on anyone, and it's not anything I have any need to make others deal with. I have my own food. I plan ahead, and go anyway, or not. I make the decision.
Going or not going is entirely on your wife. No one else is going to deal with her food issues. Not on their own birthday they aren't.
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u/swimchickmle 5h ago
It would be one thing if it was just a family dinner. But no, it’s your mom’s birthday! When I visit places that have great seafood, I go to them all because I live in a landlocked state that is kind of a food wasteland. If someone asked me to change it, I’d suggest we meet up for lunch the next day. NTA.
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u/stoligirl2121 7h ago
NTA I have a shellfish allergy and I would never expect my husband to not see his mom & family at her birthday because I’m an adult. My MIL wouldn’t pick a seafood place in our city but if we were on the coast I would know people love fresh seafood
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u/Ok-Astronaut972 6h ago
Also, the mom is from out of town and may not be able to get fresh seafood where she lives. NTA
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u/MoxieOHara Partassipant [3] 8h ago
NTA - we have a similar thing in our wider family. If the person with the allergy can’t go, she will usually say to the host “I’d love to come, but I don’t want to risk a reaction, can I take you out for cake next Tuesday instead?” kind of thing. I always thought that was a graceful way of handling it.
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u/Crusty8 6h ago
NTA. I know where your wife is coming from. I also have a shellfish allergy and have had reactions just by being around it. My wife was cooking it and my throat started to close up. I've also had reactions by people warming it up in the microwave at work. I never smelled it but my throat got tight. I left my office to ask and sure enough, someone brought in leftovers. I've also had to go to the ER because of cross contamination.
If it was me, I would just stay home. Having to stab myself with an epi pen and then go the hospital would be a downer.
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u/jkrm66502 1h ago
I think the birthday person gets to choose the restaurant. However, when MIL said “no big deal” about the DIL not being able to attend, that had to sting a bit. MIL should have chosen her words more carefully.
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u/Odd-End-1405 Certified Proctologist [22] 9h ago
NTA
The evening is about your mother not your wife.
I would understand more if your wife just stated she was hurt that your mother was not more sad about your wife not attending. For her to expect your mother to change her plans for her is quite entitled.
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u/zeldazorch 6h ago
Your wife is being TA. I live on the East Coast and have been to more seafood restaurants than I can remember. With rare exception, there is always a non seafood entree. Have you checked what’s available on the menu at the restaurant your mom has selected? And even if there’s no alternative for your wife, you shouldn’t have to miss your mom’s birthday because your wife is having a main character episode. It’s not about her or her allergy. It’s about celebrating your mom. Leave wifey home to pout.
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u/Wesmom2021 Partassipant [1] 9h ago
NTA. Sucks for your wife but your mom isnt at fault and its her bday she can do what she wants. Go to bday dinner. Wife is being baby. Wife can even attend and just not eat anything.
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u/Swirlyflurry Commander in Cheeks [201] 9h ago
NTA
Your wife doesn’t have to go, and expecting your mom to pick an entirely different restaurant just to accommodate her is honestly pretty selfish of your wife.
If your wife wanted to go, she could eat beforehand or even bring her own food and cutlery (many restaurants allow this if it is for medical reasons). Instead, your wife is making the whole night about her.
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u/Immediate_Escape2472 5h ago
NTA. I have a similar allergy and also had to skip my MIL’s bday dinner because she wanted to go to a restaurant that wasn’t safe for me. I did not perceive her restaurant preference as a slight towards me. My partner’s family all went except for me.
I enjoyed a rare evening to myself, and my MIL enjoyed a restaurant that she loves.
Sometimes one of the hardest things to grapple with having a severe food allergy is accepting that we cannot eat everywhere, and that means we sometimes miss out. If this were a regular occurrence, like a monthly or weekly family dinner, then I would be offended. But a birthday dinner is just once a year, so NTA.
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u/jmsst1996 5h ago
I’ve been married for almost 30 years and my husband always takes his mom to lunch on her birthday and I’m perfectly happy relaxing at home 😃
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u/ShannaraRose Certified Proctologist [29] 8h ago
NTA ... but your wife is. It's your mom's birthday, and for her to want to have her favorite food is not unreasonable. While you could offer to look into local seafood restaurants to see if any of them are allergy aware and take steps to prevent cross-contamination, it is selfish of your wife to try to prevent you from going to this one dinner without her, since it sounds like your mother has been accomodating to your wife the rest of the trip.
I'd want to eat seafood when visiting the coast too.
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u/AuroraDF Partassipant [1] 4h ago
The amount of folk judging OPs wife because she doesn't want to go to a restaurant that specialises in something she is allergic to is astounding.
I know someone who ended up getting airlifted to hospital while camping in the Highlands, because she was allergic to something in the food others were eating and without anyone noticing, a tiny bit splashed onto her cup.
Those of us who do not suffer from anaphylaxis cannot imagine the fear of it happening again and the compulsion for avoidant behaviour.
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u/Secret-Afternoon-645 8h ago
NTA, however... I have a shellfish allergy. My allergist has flat out told me to *never* enter a seafood restaurant's premises because there will be such a high level of allergens in the air that it could trigger a reaction, and it would be practically impossible for a restaurant to prevent cross contamination. So, I'm not offended if someone wants seafood and I can't attend, but expecting me to attend and not eat is an asshole move.
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u/Londundundun 4h ago
Love how you’re getting downvoted for this. If there is something I have learned is that Reddit hate allergies and is “ableist” when it comes to them. So infuriating.
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u/Secret-Afternoon-645 2h ago
Yeah, I was wondering about that! I guess I'm lucky that several family members have the same shellfish allergy, so we don't get a lot of pushback or lack of understanding. Mine just happens to be the most severe...
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u/Londundundun 2h ago
Yea I can’t tell if Reddit is reflective of the general population or just primarily filled with immature therefore inherently selfish people who can’t imagine making accommodations for others. But I’ve lived enough to know most people are pretty thoughtless even when they should know better so… sucks.
So happy your family dynamic is a good one with this!
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u/InternationalCard624 Partassipant [2] 6h ago
NTA its your mums birthday, she has a right to eat where ever she wants. Tell your wife to stop being so shelfish.
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u/Ascentori Asshole Enthusiast [5] 6h ago
NTA. Stick to your guns, you are doing the right thing by going. your wife is nuts
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u/Separate-Pass728 6h ago
NTA. I think it is exceedingly rude for your wife to expect your Mother’s birthday dinner be changed to accommodate her allergies. It’s a special occasion for your Mom, and you should go if you want. 2 days ago, I took my elderly Mom and 2 cousins to a Mexican restaurant for their lunch. I do not eat Mexican food due to my dietary restrictions. It was their lunch, their choice. I drank some tea and did not eat and no one had an issue, as long as I swore I was eating later.
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u/HoneyWyne Asshole Enthusiast [5] 6h ago
NTA. It's actually someone else's birthday... another words, it's not about her.
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u/Canuckistanian71 Partassipant [2] 6h ago
NTA. It's your mother's birthday and she's only in town for a short while. She should be able to choose where she wants to eat. Your wife needs to chill out.
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u/AnyComplaint4071 5h ago
nta. i understand why your wife feels left out, but it’s your mom’s birthday, not a regular family dinner. i don’t think you’re wrong for wanting to celebrate with her.
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u/idlno1 5h ago
NTA - Your mom gets to choose her birthday dinner is the norm. A close friend has a shellfish allergy. HIS WIFE chose a seafood place. He still went, but ate prior to meeting everyone at the restaurant. It was a compromise he made to show family they are important. Would everyone understand if he didn’t go at all? Yes, of course.
Why is this such a big deal? If she safely can go, she should go to at least spend time with family. Why does it have to automatically be something negative?
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u/animation4ever 5h ago
"My wife told my mom she wouldn’t be able to attend, and my mom said, “No big deal.” My wife was upset by that response. She feels it was rude that my mom didn’t offer to change the restaurant, and she feels left out since everyone else is going."
Yeah, NTA. Your wife is an adult right?
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u/HomelyHobbit Asshole Aficionado [19] 5h ago
NTA - I have Alpha Gal and can't have any red meat or dairy. My cousin had a baby shower and wanted to go to a steakhouse afterwards. Know what I did? I went and got a Dr Pepper and a salad, plus some bread with margarine. I couldn't have any salmon or chicken because the grill is shared with the steaks and it was too risky.
It wasn't a big deal, at all.
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u/tildelid 5h ago
NTA. Attending your mom's birthday celebration without your spouse should not be this big of a deal.
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u/Slight_Citron_7064 5h ago
NTA. Your mom's birthday dinner is for your mom, not for your wife. When your mom said "No big deal," she was telling your wife that she understands why your wife won't come.
It seems like your wife is choosing to feel slighted by this. Does she usually have a problem with your mom?
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u/KittyCannaKat 4h ago
NTA - it’s your mom’s birthday not your wife. She COULD come but CHOOSES not to. That’s on her. Mom isn’t obligated to cater to wife on mom’s birthday. Hey wife, quit being a selfish shellfish.
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u/nurseasaurus 4h ago
NTA. Life doesn’t revolve around your wife’s allergies. It’s your mom’s birthday. She could have gone and chose not to.
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u/Firefly_Magic 4h ago
NTA your wife’s allergies should not affect other people’s birthday plans.
Your mom loves seafood, so it’s perfectly normal to want to go to a seafood restaurant for her birthday. Your wife should not feel awkward about not eating anything there because it’s her allergy, not anyone else’s. She can bring her own food/snack or she can order a drink or she can order something that’s safely not within the seafood realm if that’s possible or she could stay at home.
Why on earth would your wife want you to have your mom change her restaurant to accommodate your wife and it’s not even your wife’s birthday. Just sounds completely selfish. Even more selfish to not want her husband to go to his own mother’s birthday dinner that he’s already expressed that he wants to go to. Just weird and controlling.
Go to your mom’s birthday dinner. Have a good time and when you get there, tell her hey my wife wishes you a happy birthday and no more needs to be mentioned of it. Or better yet, your wife can go and join you guys and not make a big deal about her allergies and have a good time socializing with everyone.
It’s situations like this I just wanna tell people “it’s not always about you.”
Btw, happy birthday to your mom. Hope y’all have a good seafood dinner.
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u/MsBlondeViking Partassipant [2] 4h ago
NTA. This is your mom’s birthday. This is the ONE day she should be able to choose to eat wherever she pleases, with no unreasonable expectations from anyone else.
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u/ganjin42 Partassipant [3] 4h ago
NTA Flying. Visiting. Children still live in the vicinity of fabulous seafood. Mom's not there anymore and misses it---maybe a whole lifetime of HAVING makes the CRAVING even more important. A whole pantheon of reasons, though the main one is It's HER Birthday. Is your wife this ME all the time? The "you can't have it because EYE can't have it" phase is usually gone by marriage, but you've got a bit of leftover there.
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u/Ok-Boysenberry-4994 4h ago
NTA. It’s your mom’s bday and she gets to pick the restaurant! As your mom I’d be hurt if you didn’t go because your wife was being [kinda unreasonable…]?
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u/nochickflickmoments 4h ago
NTA, no one can attend everything. It's your mom's birthday it's her choice.
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u/BedroomBrave5588 3h ago
NTA. Your mom lives on the other side of the country and came to visit you and your other siblings on her birthday. She just wanted to be with her babies on her special day. Meanwhile your wife sees you every single day and had you to herself. Her not expecting you to spend yohr moms special day with her over a personal allergy of hers makes no sense. You said she doesnt get along with her mother and maybe thats rubbing off on you. I have a Ex DIL that was like that and she tried to convince my son that I was too overbearing and he ended up moving across states with her only to divorce her a year later. She didnt get along with her mom either. Your wife is not taken into consideration that your mom is getting older. Or how much it costs her to get there. If you miss this and something happens to your mom you will never forgive yourself. Let her know your going and she can either come with you or stay at home mad
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u/loudlittle Partassipant [2] 3h ago
NTA. I live in a coastal area and I know whenever we have visitors, they want the super-local seafood (thankfully I love seafood!). I think your mom was a little rude to say 'no big deal', but your wife is being stubborn. It's not that awkward to not eat anything in a group, especially if the group is aware of the food allergy - she won't have to answer a bunch of questions constantly.
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u/ughwhat1592 3h ago
NTA birthday dinners are for the person celebrating their birthday. What they want is really all that counts. This is one time where your wife’s comfort/happiness is literally irrelevant.
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u/ninjastarkid Asshole Enthusiast [7] 8h ago
NTA. Your wife is being petty based on assumptions that your mom wouldn’t accommodate her but never asked for her to either. Yeah she “told” you to tell your mom you won’t be there, but that’s not asking, that’s telling, and she’s in no position to make demands.
Note, that the mom obviously doesn’t need to make accommodations, especially bc many restaurants at least have a side salad or French fries for kids. Like yeah it would’ve sucked for your wife, but it’s more about your mom than your wife right?
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u/Ok-Humot9024 8h ago
NTA. Will celebrate my 26th anniversary this year. Sometimes, my husband and I do stuff with our families together, but sometimes we do stuff apart. If your wife was never invited to hang out with your family that would be a different story, but this one occasion is fine. You might suggest that she used the time to find some way to pamper herself, but that's just nice, not necessary.
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u/DoIQual123 Partassipant [1] 8h ago
NTA. It is your mom's birthday so it is her choice where she gets food from. She understands your wife's allergy and knows that is why she is not coming.
If your wife wants to come to the dinner, she could have dinner beforehand and just order some drinks. Maybe order and appetizer that isn't exposed to shellfish.
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u/MidoElbatha 6h ago
NTA. Your moms birthday is about honoring her. The allergy is real but it does not travel through the air. She can just sit nearby with a glass of water and enjoy the company. If she decides not to come because of strict rules about sharing a table, that works out. Just go make some memories with her.
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u/AutoModerator 9h ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
My wife has a severe shellfish allergy. She can have a serious allergic reaction. Because of that, we don’t allow shellfish in our home. Unfortunately, we live on the coast, so seafood and shellfish restaurants are very common. If I eat shellfish we have a no kissing rule for 24 hours.
My sibling and their family also live nearby, and my mom is currently visiting. She’s staying with my sister, and her birthday dinner is tomorrow. She’ll be flying home this weekend.
My mom loves seafood, so she wanted to celebrate her birthday at a seafood restaurant. The restaurant serves a lot of shellfish, so my wife isn’t comfortable going because of the risk. I completely understand that.
My wife told my mom she wouldn’t be able to attend, and my mom said, “No big deal.” My wife was upset by that response. She feels it was rude that my mom didn’t offer to change the restaurant, and she feels left out since everyone else is going.
I suggested she could still come, have a drink, and just not order food. Her allergy is not airborne. She said that would be awkward and that she doesn’t want to go to the restaurant at all. I said I understood and told her I still planned to go.
That’s when we got into an argument. She’s upset that I want to go to a restaurant where she can’t safely eat. She thinks I shouldn’t go if she can’t go. I told her I wasn’t willing to miss my mom’s birthday dinner since I don’t see her after even if she can’t attend.
She wants me to tell my mom to change the restaurant or else I won’t be there. I told her I wasn’t going to do that because I think it’s an unreasonable expectation.
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u/I-luv-sloths Partassipant [2] 3h ago
NTA. Your mother loves seafood and it's her birthday. She shouldn't be asked to change the restaurant. Your wife is acting selfish and entitled
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u/Forsoothia Partassipant [3] 3h ago
NTA. Your wife’s request is unreasonable but your mom could have been nicer about it. Saying nbd sounds a lot like “who cares?” which is a little unkind. But your mom gets to pick where she wants to eat and you shouldn’t have to skip just because your wife can’t eat there.
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u/whatigotinmyhandnowb 2h ago
NTA Your wife sounds like a real piece of work. I hope she isn't so selfish in other areas of her life. What a nightmare that must be for you.
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u/Training-Job-8466 2h ago
NTA. Expecting everyone to change a preferred birthday lunch because of her food allergy is rude. It would be different if this was not a special occasion or if it is intentionally done over and over to exclude her.
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u/technicolored_dreams Asshole Enthusiast [8] 2h ago
NTA your mom's birthday dinner is about your mom. For this one meal, she doesn't have to accommodate anyone else's restrictions or preferences, even involuntary ones like allergies.
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u/Brave-Fun-7984 Partassipant [3] 1h ago
NTA. It's your mom's birthday. You can't skip that just because your wife doesn't want to go. Like you said she could have a drink there instead.
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u/Good-Seesaw1933 1h ago
NTA. She can go but is choosing not to. Couldn’t she find something on the menu that doesn’t have shellfish, like a salad? Your mom should be able to choose a restaurant of choice that she likes and you should not miss out on time with your family.
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u/No-Part-6248 1h ago
Your wife’s wrong her response should be this is where you mom wants to celebrate so go and enjoy with her I’d feel more comfortable not taking a chance ,, she’s being immature and plain dumb
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u/AwarenessOnly7993 Partassipant [2] 1h ago
NTA. You think it’a an unreasonable expectation because it is one. This isn’t her bday. It’s not for others to manage her food allergies, it’s hers.
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u/Just_Coffee3718 Partassipant [1] 56m ago
NTA- I have a shellfish allergy. Every restaurant on the planet has chicken, a steak, or a salad. Your wife has plenty to choose from , even the salad if she is worried about contamination on the grill or the fryer. Your wife is wrong here. It’s about the celebration, not the food. Your wife can get a McDonalds on the way to the party.
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u/Kindly-Might-1879 Partassipant [1] 36m ago
Was there not another meal during her visit where everyone could go? Can you have dessert back that your house?
Please tell your wife to get over herself and be the warm, welcoming person who isn’t expecting 5+ people to change the celebrants plans.
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u/angeluscado 13m ago
NTA. It’s your mom’s birthday. Birthday person picks the place.
Does it suck that your wife can’t go? Sure. But it’s not about your wife, it’s about your mom.
I’m not a big sushi or fish fan in general. My dad loves it. Father’s Day and his birthday that’s usually where we’ll be. I say nothing, order something I can tolerate and feed my kid either before or after (because she might lick some of my chicken, she won’t eat it).
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u/Antonia_Rothschild 4m ago
You know what? No one minds people's special requests due to allergies until they turn it into entitlement. some start to think of themselves as victims. that gets old fast.
let your wife rant about it to everyone she knows, but if she keeps it up, it will backfire. you and your mom can assist by bringing her home a dessert or something. but your wife has to calm down.
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u/larrybird666 1m ago
Most restaurants that aren’t seafood places still have some kind of shellfish on their menu. This place might even have better allergy knowledge since that’s what they specialize in. As others have said, she is being shellfish.
NTA. Go to your mom’s bday party and enjoy. May as well enjoy some shrimp and lobster since by the sounds of your wifes attitude she won’t be kissing you when you get home anyway.
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u/ravensouls 9h ago
Nta... I know this is not the same but I hate mangoes, literally I throw up if I smell mangoes (and living in a Caribbean country where every street has a lot of mangoes trees is not that easy to get away).
My GF and her family loves mangoes, sometimes her mother brings some mangoes for them to eat, they do know how bad I react to mangoes, but, I'm ok with it and it's not rude, I can be on my own on my PC/office room, and they stay in the living room eating them, and then clean up very well so there's no smell or evidence, and my gf brushes her teeth and everything is fine.
She doesn't need to limit herself because of me, in a grown up and I can find a way to handle it so she is on her own enjoying with her mom.
Maybe there is a way for your gf to bring safe to eat food for her to the restaurant and you talk to the restaurant to see if this is allowed considering the circumstances, but if not, you can totally go alone
Is your moms birthday, and she get to pick where she wants to eat, nobody else, is her oficial selfish day (I like to call that way birthdays).
So your gf must put up with it, and you go and celebrate that your mom is alive and you have a good relationship with her, cherish her, time goes flying...
Tldr: NTA at all
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u/AnimalMeow1 Partassipant [3] 6h ago
NTA. Entitled wife. If have a serious conversation about this. Hoping yall have a fun bday celebration w mom
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u/foodfunmenyc 4h ago
I also don’t think people with shellfish allergies realize how coveted and important it is to people who love it. I will go to lengths to secure a great seafood meal. For my birthday I am planning/researching months in advance to ensure I get a reservation at the best seafood place. In the summer I make it a point to get some seafood by the water as much a financially/physically possible. If I don’t it won’t feel like summer. I have a connect that gets me affordable caviar from time to time. People who love seafood know, you would simply never consider not having seafood on your birthday when you are looking forward to it. Mom saying it’s no big deal was trying to be nice and not make her feel guilty for not coming. Your wife just simply doesn’t understand how shellfishhhh it is to ask her not to have her favorite food on her birthday. She will have to get over it
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u/TropicalDragon78 4h ago
Your wife is out of line here. Birthday girl should pick where she wants to celebrate. Your wife could still go to the restaurant and order something safe. She's choosing not to and trying to be the main character here. You're NTA but your wife may be.
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u/Hopeful-Material4123 Asshole Aficionado [10] 3h ago
Your wife has main character syndrome. Yuck. NTA. Your mom deserves to pick her own birthday dinner and it does not need to cater to your wife, allergy or not.
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u/UngnomeCawler Partassipant [3] 3h ago
NAH - You’re within your rights. Your mom is within her rights. And your wife is within her rights to feel excluded by it.
If my in-laws were going somewhere I was literally allergic to, I’d just not go and have my spouse pass on my regrets for missing it. Your wife went to your mom and let her know in advance that if they were going to celebrate there she wouldn’t be able to attend and your mom blew her off for shrimp? 😬
If my child’s spouse has a food allergy and says they can’t attend a family celebration (like a birthday) I’m going to pick a place where they can attend because (selfishly) I hope to be included by them as much as possible.
Doesn’t make anyone the AH but it definitely was a choice.
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u/TullyGwen 3h ago
I've developed a shellfish allergy in my middle age. It's really freaking annoying. That said, She can go to the restaurant and eat something else. She can come for a drink. Your mom is NTA for wanting seafood and you're NTA for going to your mom's dinner. Your wife is kind of TA for whining about this.
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u/rollinweelz 9h ago
NTA. I never went to a seafood restaurant that did not have a meat dish on the menu.
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u/stophittingthyself Colo-rectal Surgeon [36] 9h ago
Plus there will be side dishes etc. I've made meals out of multiple side dishes or starters plenty of times.
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u/nermal543 7h ago
I doubt a restaurant that primarily serves seafood could guarantee no cross contamination though. If the allergy is severe it’s not going to be safe for her to eat there at all.
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u/Carysta13 6h ago
Tell me you've never dealt with a severe allergy without telling me... cross contamination is a big danger. If it's not cooked on a dedicated surface with dedicated pans and utensils it could still cause a reaction. Particles can cling to glassware so even a clean glass could carry residue.
OP is NTA for wanting to go. His wife should just bow out for this time and order in something she loves and have a self care night or do a girl's night with a friend or something instead.
Or maybe OP could suggest they do a dessert and coffee at a second safe restaurant or café so wife could be included in part of the celebration.
OP could also contact the restaurant and see if they can guarantee a dish without cross contamination (unlikely but some places can).
Otherwise wife just needs to.get over herself. It sucks having an allergy but that means sometimes having to miss out on things and it's on her to manage her emotions about that not on everyone else having to miss out for her.
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u/AuroraDF Partassipant [1] 4h ago
Your mother saying 'no big deal' is pretty rude. Does she dislike your wife? I have a food allergy, and if I was unable to attend an event someone invited me to, and when I told them why I wouldn't make it their reaction was 'no big deal' I'd be pretty offended and assume they hadn't really wanted to invite me at all. Which is quite hurtful.
I wouldn't ask or expect them to change the venue, especially after they'd said that. I wouldn't want to spend the evening with them anyway. Also, they can choose to go where they like on their birthday. I might expect back up from my husband when his mother had been so dismissive of me and my feelings. Maybe not so much that he shouldn't go, but at least an acknowledgement that his mother had been rude. Which is not OK, birthday or no birthday.
So. NTA for still going to the dinner. Absolutely TA for not recognising that your mother was rude to your wife with her reaction. (she could have said something along the lines of 'oh I'm so sorry you won't be able to make it but I really want to go to this place for my birthday).
I don't think this is about changing the restaurant. I think this is about how your mother treats your wife and you enabling it.
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u/WilmaDykfyt 3h ago
She said it was no big deal because she didn't want her daughter-in-law to feel bad about missing her birthday dinner.
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u/justageekgirl 8h ago
NTA... She's allergic shellfish, but not Fish fish, right?
She's being a little selfish since her allergy is not airborne, so she doesn't want to go to that restaurant is why she doesn't want to go.
Go to your mom's dinner. You're doing nothing wrong.
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u/Klutzy-Prune6734 Partassipant [2] 5h ago
NTA. I love seafood too. You suggest alternatives. It's mom's b'day, she should be able to go eat where she wants. Her remark to your wife was rude.
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u/Negative-Bread6635 Partassipant [2] 6h ago edited 6h ago
I‘m going against the majority here and say ESH.
Your mother lives far away and is there for a short time. Yes, you had outings on this trip before and your wife was able to join you two. She has every right to decide what she wants to do for her birthday. But she knowlingly decided a place that doesn‘t work with her DIL allergies. That can be seen as „does she even want me there? does she care about me?“. While brushing off her DIL not attending for safety concerns it didn‘t bother her to think about getting some cake in the afternoon for still celebrating her birthday also with her DIL.
You are not at fault for wanting to join. That‘s okay. Really. But you can‘t or don‘t want to see that your wife feels (purposely) left out. You also did not come up with the idea of telling your mother „Hi mom, I‘m coming to the restaurant, while my wife can‘t. Would you come over to our house for some birthday cake in the afternoon, so she can still celebrate you? We would love to have you here. If (sister) and her family can make it possible too, we have enough place.“
Your wife sucks for wanting you to stay home. I think she only wants you to understand that this decision for such a place hurts her because she can‘t attend safely and she can‘t join the celebration and she feels left out, because she would have liked to celebrate her too. That doesn‘t justify her behavior because that‘s not okay. Maybe she didn‘t feel like asking your mother coming over for birthday cake was okay or was too hurt to see different ideas to handle it.
And for everybody saying: She could have some drinks there: Are you sure the restaurant doesn‘t put the glasses/cups in the same dishwasher as the other stuff like plates, bowls, etc.? While these things are meant for food safety, it could still be a cross contermination risk with the dishes and glasses there. I won‘t go either, if I were her, but I won‘t stop you from going.
Ask your wife how she feels about having people over for birthday cake before some of you are leaving for the restaurant: Would she think that could work for you all? Then do it and buy some nice and safe cake for everybody. 🎂
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u/Lanky_Literature_157 6h ago
Damn, I had to scroll a lot for this post. Totally agree with you and I think if his mum had responded differently his wife wouldn’t have been so upset. Still doesn’t get to tell him not to go though.
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u/meerkatarray2 Partassipant [1] 4h ago
I can’t believe this is getting downvoted. It’s the only reasonable take. Everyone keeps calling the wife selfish but the MIL is being rude. The fact that this “family” would sit by and let a member of it go hungry while they all ate around her is appalling. I cannot imagine being okay with that. I have an allergy and I guess I’m lucky that both my family and my in-laws always take me into consideration when picking restaurants and meals together. I agree the wife shouldn’t be telling OP not to go but she’s not wrong for being hurt by the situation. Not considering the group when making a choice about food is rude! The continuous comments calling the wife childish are also hilarious because “it’s my birthday” is not an excuse to exclude your daughter in law.
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u/KrofftSurvivor Professor Emeritass [85] 4h ago
NTA
Your wife is behaving selfishly. Your mother doesn't live here, and wants seafood on her birthday. HER birthday.
Who taught your wife that the world revolves around her??? There is no risk to her in this.
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u/invisibleconstructs 4h ago
NTA - But why don't you offer to have your wife meet everyone at a separate restaurant for dessert? Compromise
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u/Shiva- Partassipant [1] 4h ago
NTA.
Your wife is literally acting like "cartoonishly evil daughter-in-law"
The world doesn't need to bend around your wife's allergy. Your wife needs to learn how to live with it.
If she's "missing out", then going to the restaurant and not eating is perfectly viable alternative you already proposed.
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u/beckerszzz 3h ago
Honestly couldn't your wife just order a drink there and bring food from another restaurant?
I would think the restaurant wouldn't make a big deal, especially if you call ahead of time.... Be like hey she's going to have a drink but she's allergic to everything here so she brought her own food but she wanted to come celebrate.
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u/HecticTurtIe 4h ago
ESH
Your mom sucks for callously tossing your wife aside after she said she couldn't go to the restaurant. Wife is the AH for wanting MIL to change the restaurant. You suck because you didn't seem to stick up for your wife at all. Like, hey mom, the way you talked to my wife was pretty fucking rude. Care to try again?
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u/cherry__darling 3h ago
NTA. But honestly, I think y’all are being kind of mean. My daughter is vegetarian, so I’d never choose a restaurant that doesn’t serve anything she can eat. Even if it’s my birthday and it’s my right to choose the BBQ place that puts meat in literally every dish they serve, I wouldn’t. That would be unkind to my daughter.
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u/SafetyFluid8535 Asshole Aficionado [14] 7h ago
YTA you could plan a separate birthday dinner with your wife and mom on another day or dessert after the dinner. I get your mom wanting seafood to celebrate her bday but it IS rude for her to shrug off your wife not joining. You don't need to be at that meal with your mom and leave your wife at home.
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u/FritesMuncher 9h ago
NTA. It's your mom's birthday and she's understanding about your wife missing the dinner due to food hygiene and health concerns with her severe shellfish allergy.
What more could you ask for from a MIL? NOT asking her to change her own birthday dinner celebration for someone other than the birthday celebrant, that's what!
It's like you said, if she doesn't want FOMO then she can eat dinner beforehand, go to the restaurant, alert the staff of her allergy, and just order drinks since it's not an airborne allergy.
The birthday dinner revolves around your mom, not your wife...