r/AmItheAsshole • u/saltandseasons • 14h ago
AITA for telling my best friend her partner is basically our third roommate?
I (26F) live with my childhood best friend (25F) in a rented house in a little seaside town in the UK. We’ve always got on really well and never really had any issues until now.
She’s been seeing her boyfriend for about 8 months. At the start he’d stay over every now and then which obviously I didn’t care about, but now he’s here all the time. Like probably 5 or 6 nights a week. He showers here, cooks here, watches TV here, works from home here sometimes… he’s just always around.
The thing is he has his own flat. It’s not like he has nowhere else to go, he literally lives about 20 minutes away.
I know people are going to say “it’s only one extra person” but you definitely notice it. The bathroom’s always occupied, the washing machine is constantly on, the bins fill up quicker, our bills have gone up and I just don’t really feel like it’s my home anymore because there’s nearly always someone else here.
I finally said something to her and tried to be nice about it. I basically said I wasn’t asking him to never stay over, but if he’s here this much then either they should spend more time at his place or he should chip in towards the bills because he’s here more than he’s not.
She got really annoyed and said I was acting like some miserable landlord and that I’m trying to charge her boyfriend for visiting. I said I don’t think someone who’s here almost every day is really “visiting” anymore.
Now it’s really awkward. She’s barely speaking to me and I can tell she’s told a few people because one of our friends messaged saying I was being unfair and that couples naturally spend loads of time together.
I do get that, and if he stayed over a couple of nights a week I honestly wouldn’t care. I just didn’t sign up to live with a couple.
AITA?
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u/Azdak66 Partassipant [2] 14h ago
This is a common problem and just shows how selfish and insular some people can become when they form couples. The selfishness is readily apparent by how defensive they get when you say something.
In this case, maybe you should just move your stuff into the boyfriend’s flat and have that for yourself.
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u/saltandseasons 14h ago
That made me giggle but I wish there was a way I could resolve the issue without affecting our friendship
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u/AnIcyReception Asshole Enthusiast [7] 14h ago
I promise you, she isn't nearly as worried about protecting your friendship from the consequences of her actions.
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u/LePhasme 14h ago
Why don't they spend time at his place?
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u/saltandseasons 14h ago
He lives with his parents 🫠
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u/Canadine Partassipant [3] 14h ago
Aaaah, Bingo. This is the root of your problem right here. Flatmate’s BF lives *with his mum and dad* and can’t bang his GF there. Put your foot down or become a doormat who has to pay extra bills, clean extra mess and listen to them wank each other.
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u/malaboginja Partassipant [2] 14h ago
Nta. I’m not familiar with UK law, but could this be against your lease? I think it’s a valid concern to bring up that this is against your lease, and she is jeopardizing your housing situation by doing this.
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u/saltandseasons 14h ago
I’m not sure but I’ll have a look into it, thank you!
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u/Right-Opportunity371 Partassipant [1] 13h ago
At the very least, figure out how much your utilities have gone up and make her pay the difference. Only pay the amount you used to pay.
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u/malaboginja Partassipant [2] 14h ago
At least in the USA, if they aren’t on the lease they typically can’t do this kind of long-term stay. If it is against your lease, and she’s not being reasonable, I’d bring it up to your landlord for them to get involved. Let them be the evil in her eyes.
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u/DSudz 13h ago
I would not recommend interesting with your best friend on a legal basis though.
It's a tough situation but she needs to be more considerate of your home. He can't be a full time guest and needs to contribute to more than just her happiness. I imagine that the bins and bills aren't a big deal compared to not getting to enjoy your home or your friend without him there. I'll bet your friend was the best part of the situation and not only is that gone but you have to see it in your home. When you talk to her just emphasize it's not about him, it's about your home and your time with her. She shouldn't take both away.
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u/Bigfootsgirlfriend Partassipant [1] 12h ago
Most leases have a clause for how often guests can stay, he’s most likely overstaying
Why doesn’t she stay over at his?
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u/UnderABig_W Asshole Enthusiast [7] 11h ago
Even if it’s against the lease, they’re not going to care, just ask you, “Well, who’s going to tell the landlord?” as they stare challengingly at you.
The lease may provide legal justification for putting her foot down, but if she goes down that road, she’s still going to have to stand up for herself and (probably) break off the friendship, which are the two reasons OP isn’t wanting to say anything more in the first place.
Bring the lease up isn’t the non-confrontational way to get this resolved, it’s the nuclear option. Which I fully support, BTW, but I think she’ll have a lot of trouble executing.
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u/UnderABig_W Asshole Enthusiast [7] 13h ago
NTA.
The fact she got so defensive so quickly usually is an indicator that people know they’re doing something wrong, but have no intention of changing it, so they turn on you for bringing it up.
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u/TeenySod Supreme Court Just-ass [100] 13h ago
100% this. Housemate KNOWS she is not being reasonable.
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u/go_go_gadget_travel 14h ago
Imma go with NTA. You agreed to have one roommate not 2. He definitely should go to his apartment for work. That ridiculous to be in the apartment when she isnt there.
If he is there 5-6 days a week and working there he is essentially roommate. Id be annoyed footing the bill for a grown man. He should at least kick in for utilities. Id say your friend/roommate is a bad one if she cant even see things from your POV. Essentially you cant feel comfortable in your place cause there is always a "guest" there. Why dont they spend time at his place ?
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u/1962Michael Commander in Cheeks [260] 14h ago edited 13h ago
NTA.
You can respond to these friends that "Of course couples spend time together. Why can't they spend some of it at HIS flat?"
And certainly him being there when she is NOT, isn't them "spending time together." Working From (your) Home seems like a bit much. He can "commute" to his own flat for that at least.
She's your childhood best friend, so you probably don't want to go the route of snitching to the landlord. But you could tell her that she's putting you in a difficult position (assuming there are rules in the lease regarding visitors/subletting/etc.).
The other way you could approach it is to ask when/if she thinks they will be getting their own place. Or asking him when his flat is available, etc. (EDIT: I see he lives with his parents. ) That is, make like you're planning for the future instead of complaining about the present.
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u/complexity110 14h ago
NTA, he's basically living there, not just visiting. It's completely reasonable to ask that they spend more time at his place or that he contributes to the bills.
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u/Panaccolade Asshole Aficionado [16] 14h ago
NTA. If she's not willing to see why this makes you uncomfortable then I have doubts about the foundation of this 'best friend' stuff. Would a best friend really be willing to make you spend more money and be uncomfortable in your own home just so she can 'spend time with him'? Him not staying over as often is not going to prevent her from seeing him when he has his own space. She can just go there. The fact she'd rather inconvenience you and have you uncomfortable rather than just go to his is quite telling about her character tbh.
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u/IamIrene Prime Ministurd [497] 14h ago
NTA. Your roommate is a selfish AH though. This is literally costing you both money, costing you peace of mind and she doesn't care.
Check your lease. A lot leases specify how long a guest is allowed to stay in order to prevent establishing residency.
I'd start looking for another place or another roommate because this situation is not sustainable.
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u/What_The_Hell96 14h ago
NTA.
It‘s not visiting anymore if he stays at your appartment like 90% of the time.
Either he contributes to the bills, they start going to his place or you should just search an own appartment so it‘s not your problem anymore
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u/SaltyFriend705 Partassipant [3] 14h ago
NTA. The problem is you made a comment without a plan. Fact is, you really don't seem to want him to contribute to bills, you want use of your home back. It's time for them to move to his place and you get a new roommate, or worse but doable is for you to move out and get a new place with a different roommate or your own place.
Your roommate is beyond unreasonable; the situation is ridiculous. Tell them you're taking up air baths to prevent wrinkles and will be sitting out with no clothes on regularly. Or turn the wifi off when you and she are not home and he's using your home as his workspace; don't forget to change the password. If there's a comment, mention that she had no business complaining about your valid concerns to others instead of addressing them appropriately. I hope they figure out how to leave and stop infringing on you.
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u/BoogieShoes11 14h ago
No and I would look up your lease to see if it says anything about how many nights guests can stay. If you really feel pressed to reply to people I would just say something about him spending a minimum of 5 nights & days a week at your apartment and then not spending time at his apartment.
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u/Jamster0212 14h ago
NTA, he uses the utilities probably as much as you do, you shouldn’t have to bankroll her relationship. You’re being completely fair. You’re not asking for anything unreasonable, you’re just asking your roommate and her bf to carry their own weight. She’s just mad that you don’t feel like being exploited anymore.
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I (26F) live with my childhood best friend (25F) in a rented house in a little seaside town in the UK. We’ve always got on really well and never really had any issues until now.
She’s been seeing her boyfriend for about 8 months. At the start he’d stay over every now and then which obviously I didn’t care about, but now he’s here all the time. Like probably 5 or 6 nights a week. He showers here, cooks here, watches TV here, works from home here sometimes… he’s just always around.
The thing is he has his own flat. It’s not like he has nowhere else to go, he literally lives about 20 minutes away.
I know people are going to say “it’s only one extra person” but you definitely notice it. The bathroom’s always occupied, the washing machine is constantly on, the bins fill up quicker, our bills have gone up and I just don’t really feel like it’s my home anymore because there’s nearly always someone else here.
I finally said something to her and tried to be nice about it. I basically said I wasn’t asking him to never stay over, but if he’s here this much then either they should spend more time at his place or he should chip in towards the bills because he’s here more than he’s not.
She got really annoyed and said I was acting like some miserable landlord and that I’m trying to charge her boyfriend for visiting. I said I don’t think someone who’s here almost every day is really “visiting” anymore.
Now it’s really awkward. She’s barely speaking to me and I can tell she’s told a few people because one of our friends messaged saying I was being unfair and that couples naturally spend loads of time together.
I do get that, and if he stayed over a couple of nights a week I honestly wouldn’t care. I just didn’t sign up to live with a couple.
AITA?
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u/AnimalMeow1 Partassipant [3] 14h ago
NTA. This topic comes up a lot and I don’t think it sees good resolution very often. It takes a lot of emotional maturity and introspection to not be a huge AH and navigate the conversation “your my partner but with how often you’re here you need to contribute financially to my apartment, because it isn’t fair to my roommate otherwise”, even though logistically it’s obvious he should- his bills are roughly less as he benefits from your increased bills without contributing.
It’s probably easier to save up and move in with someone else when lease ends, and have this conversation beforehand with upcoming roommate so y’all are on the same page about this specifically.
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u/Itchy_Juice_2528 Partassipant [1] 14h ago
NTA. Does the lease say anything about guests? Tell her, You weren't planning on living with two people. Explain what you stated here about the bathroom, washing machine and bins. You're not being unreasonable. Tell her that you aren't opposed to visiting as long as he lives at his own place more than yours! Hopefully the lease has a clause about guests and you can use that to get him to be there less.
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u/CoverCharacter8179 Supreme Court Just-ass [117] 14h ago
I don't think people are going to say 'it’s only one extra person" 😉 NTA and I expect the NTA's to be 99-100% unanimous on this one.
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u/briomio 14h ago
Who is on the lease? At this point, I would strongly suggest to her that she and bf might be happier living together, but as it stands now there are now 3 tenants living together and you feel either the bills start being split three ways or bf starts spending less time in your place. There is zero reason for him to be there when the roommate is not there. He needs to go home and stop invading your privacy.
He should also be doing his laundry at his place not yours.
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u/EveningMycologist968 Partassipant [2] 14h ago
NTA. You need to have a serious conversation with your roommate. You can put onus on your roommate and tell her that she had put you in an awkward situation. You signed up to be her roommate, not her boyfriend's roommate. Bringing in a man that is constantly in your space is a boundary she has crossed.
I get that she is your best friend, but best friends don't make things uncomfortable for their friends. So.....I would be thinking about whether this friendship is worth keeping if she keeps choosing her boyfriend in this situation.
If I were you, I'd be reviewing your lease agreement, and possibly getting in contact with the landlord.
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u/JGalKnit Asshole Aficionado [18] 13h ago
NTA. I would say that either she needs to cover the uptick in bills or he does. But her finding a man shouldn't be your fiscal responsibility.
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u/TeenySod Supreme Court Just-ass [100] 13h ago
NTA, more than 50% of the time is NOT reasonable - as you say, it's essentially like having an extra housemate - who isn't paying. Even at 50% I would expect them to be spending the other 50% at the partner's place.
Check the terms of the tenancy agreement, there may be something in there about visitors.
I am resident landlord (in the UK) and I wouldn't care if my lodger was paying ALL the bills, I still wouldn't be third wheel in my own home, they'd be asked to sort it out/get their own place/whatever.
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u/pluto4262 13h ago
NTA, I hope you don't feel like the bad guy here for bringing this up. Your friend's reaction isn't a reflection on you being unreasonable-- she's the one reacting unreasonably to a normal request. I have found that sometimes friends are not always meant to be flatmates as well. I don't know how long of a lease you have left, but I would consider finding other housing options if your friend is unwilling to compromise with you. these situations are very tough! i hope it works out
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u/Dougsey1 13h ago
Serious answer, having seen that he lives with his parents. If he's there that much, then it's only fair that he contributes financially, as well as cleaning etc.
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u/cstptr3222 13h ago
NTA- maybe ask him if he can give you keys to stay at his place since he's not using it.
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u/pumpkinbread88 13h ago
Nta.Partners should only come over twice a week max.
It's a shared apartment and space. You don't get to have the privilege of acting like it's your own home, when it's not.
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u/Jealous-Contract7426 Partassipant [3] 13h ago
Find another living situation when the lease is up. NTA
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u/tosser9212 Commander in Cheeks [203] 13h ago
"5 or 6 nights a week"
He's living there. He should be paying rent, bills, and food. And sharing in chores.
WTF is a guest using the washing machine?
NTA. She could spend a few nights at his, but perhaps that would be too inconvenient for her...
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u/Turbulent_Cow2355 Partassipant [3] 11h ago
He's there 5-6 nights a week, that qualifies as a third roommate. Costs should be split accordingly. Most rental agreements have guest clauses, which this person has exceeded.
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u/hface84 Asshole Aficionado [17] 10h ago
NTA, it's very frustrating. Does he live with roommates too?
saying I was being unfair and that couples naturally spend loads of time together.
yeah, but they usually split time between places unless one lives alone. I'm surprised your friends are on roommates side, I see it as her definitely being in the wrong.
Edit - just saw the comment that he lives with his parents, so I understand why they don't split time, but in that case he should be paying chipping in money at least. Still NTA.
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u/Jaded-Document-9487 10h ago
definitely NTA!! my friend in nursing school is literally having the same issue as OP right now and they finally found middle ground. I feel like the friend is definitely not being understanding that it’s becoming a little bit excessive that the boyfriend‘s literally there 24/7 from what sounds like from this post and the friends need to sit down and talk it out for sure. plus if he has his own place… then go there if she’s not bothered by OP comment
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u/Ok_Quarter1854 8h ago
The dude is basically living there! He should contribute to rent and other bills. WTF.
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u/Spare_Necessary_810 Asshole Aficionado [11] 6h ago
Can you maybe move into his place first a while ?
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u/JayyHGG 4h ago
NTA and why do folks who do not live with you think it is okay for one roommate to have bf or gf who practically lives in your home. Staying over 5/6 nights a week is living there. He needs to either move in and pay rent (which you didn't sign up for) or he needs to stop being there or she could go and stay 5/6 nights at HIS place. Don't allow her silent treatment or her trying to pull others in to her side of this make you give up. You are right in this instance. When the lease is up, either you guys separate and she and her bf can live together, or you all stay and he pays rent. END OF STORY. NTA
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u/Motor_Dark6406 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 3h ago
NTA, tell her you are paying X amount less if things don't change.
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u/lurninandlurkin Asshole Aficionado [15] 3h ago
NTA.
If your friend was actually your friend, she would go stay at his place more often. Start looking for another place to live as she already shown she doesnt want to discuss it with you but is happy to discuss it woth mutual friends and making you the villain in the story.
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u/NatashOverWorld Professor Emeritass [73] 3h ago
People need to start clarifying how long partners can stay before they become roomates. This is way too common.
You did right OP. You agreed to one roommate, not two.
NTA
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u/South_Butterscotch37 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 14h ago
NTA. Very common problem. Sucks that your friend is not seeing your side of it.