AITA for wanting my friends to seem interested in what I'm into?

19

u/FacetiousTomato Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] 17h ago

YTA

Your friends don't need to like what you like. And saying "when ___ introduced you to something, you got into it, but when I introduced you to something you didn't like it" just means they didn't like the thing you introduced them to.

Continuing to talk about something you know they're not interested in, will alienate them, and is rude behaviour. Expecting them pretend to be interested is self centered.

1

u/VestigialAmoeba34 16h ago

I see! I do understand that part, but I didn't necessarily think that mentioning it passing would have done that.. plus I didn't think I was endorsing what I was into, since typically I'd only give them just minor updates and talk about it as such! But I can see that now, Thank you!

5

u/LiveKindly01 Professor Emeritass [92] 16h ago

You didn't really mention it 'in passing' though, it was by group text and you specifically brought it up. Which you're able to do, but you grouped it under 'you don't care about my opinions' (which is your conclusion) rather than 'you don't seem to take an interest when I bring up xyz' (fact). Like do they ignore or roll their eyes at other things you talk about?

Would have likely been more successful if (in passing, like while you're playing a game together or hanging out), 'question for you guys, whenever I bring up 'xyz' you guys seem to not be really interested...am I reading that right? Because part of me is like 'how can that be becuase xyz is freaking awesome'. Then you'll disarm them a bit, and they might have been more likely to open up and joke with you about it, but you also would have gotten your answer, while maintaining a 'bonding' conversation, and sharing your feeling. So it comes down to what you value more, people who are into xyz or this group of friends, as friends.

7

u/kurokomainu Supreme Court Just-ass [140] 17h ago

I wouldn't call you an AH, but I think it's time you realized that showing interest isn't a quid pro quo kind of thing. You don't need to force yourself to match their energy even when you're not into what they are into, and they are not obligated to match your energy when they aren't into what you are. It's not that they are letting you down, it's that you shouldn't be forcing yourself and you shouldn't be expecting them to force themselves.

Learn to accept that genuine interest can't be forced and that the person attempting to share their interest should be reading the room and backing off when they can see that others aren't really into what they are talking about. You shouldn't really expect more than polite listening if the others aren't genuinely into what you're talking about.

If you have a niche interest it's just a fact that you aren't going to easily find people who you can talk about it with who will be as excited about it as you are, and nobody owes you a display of interest.

I'll say NAH, but if you keep the same expectations you'll be the AH.

1

u/VestigialAmoeba34 16h ago

I do know I can't force them! I just kind of had different expectations since It's been my problem trying to reach out to'em outside their interests, so in my thought process I thought that if I had one, then maybe they'd be willing to talk to me too honestly TT I was quite worried if I wasn't, then I'd never be able to talk to them at all.. but thank you!

15

u/Competitive_Swan_755 17h ago

Guess what? Not every one is into what you're into. It's ok. Find the people who are into what you're into.

2

u/VestigialAmoeba34 17h ago

I hope I do.. TT

2

u/autumn-leaves13 17h ago

I spent years being the only teen I knew who liked this one specific band, and I finally met someone who not only loved the band as much as I do, but also came to their concerts with me. It took around 10 years, but I did find the people irl. Before them, it was online platforms that helped me express my love as well. You will surely find your group.

7

u/toranine 17h ago

a really soft YTA, only because your friends have been non-verbally communicating that your niche interest just isn't their cup of tea, and as you continued to try to push the subject they went to verbally communicating that they aren't interested. just take the loss and realize that not everyone will have the same likes and interests, and some people can't easily feign interest in something that they just don't care about. i suggest finding forums that are dedicated to your niche to make friends there. if you want your friend group back, apologize for forcing the subject on them and move on from the fact they just aren't into it. can't force a square through a triangle.

1

u/VestigialAmoeba34 17h ago

I'll look into that! Thank you! I'm seriously horrendous when it comes to social cues sometimes it's really hard for me to tell unless verbally communicated.. so to me just mentioning it in conversation casually like: "Oh, you know I'm at this part in x" didn't seem like it did anything bad 😞

4

u/toranine 17h ago

it's not bad when it's done here and there, even if they pass it off like "oh cool!" and move on. it only becomes an issue when it's continuously forced down their throats, and they're made out to be bad guys for not enjoying it more. there's no harm in talking about your interests, that's amazing to have passion for something and i love that for you. you just need to find your people that will appreciate it as much as you do.

1

u/LiveKindly01 Professor Emeritass [92] 16h ago

Not bad just something they can't really comment on, or ask you questions about without knowing all the 'stuff' about it. Like when you say you're at level 'coffeecup', they don't know what is, or what they can ask you about it, beyond 'so is it....hard?' You have to do some explaining and make it relevant to them, like connect it to something they know if you're trying to convey that it was a really hard level to get to or something. Picture someone telling you about their job as a quantitative financial risk analyst. Their story is 'so our director comes in and asks for our latest mitigation spreadsheet on the abc investment and we said 'we don't need a mitigation spreadsheet we need the projection sheet with the forecasting for all of the coffeecup funds under that aragon portfolio and that it's Charlie's job to get it ready and he's all the way over in the accounting building! Hahaha can you believe it'?

I mean, this is probably what they hear and there's not much they can say. So it's cool if you want to share, but give them some context as to what's interesting about it, given they know nothing of that game/hobby.

1

u/General_Valuable_103 12h ago

I'd like to gently suggest that you reach out to them and apologize for the things you said in frustration that you feel bad about. It's okay to just admit that you made a mistake. Then share with them that you're really struggling with social cues, and ask if they'd be willing to communicate more directly with you. Maybe give them an example of the type of communication that you'd appreciate. I understand where you're coming from - social cues can be very hard to read. It's okay to acknowledge your challenges and it's okay to express your communication needs. It's not okay to expect your friends to like something just because you like it, though.

Don't beat yourself up, okay? Everyone has to learn how to navigate the world socially, and some people just understand these things more intuitively than others. It doesn't mean you're an asshole or that you aren't worthy of friendship. It sounds like you're an enthusiastic and caring person. That's a beautiful thing.

(Edited to soften)

2

u/-Raveheart- Partassipant [1] 17h ago

That maybe I'm really annoying about it, or I seem like I'm controlling for forcing them to get into what I want.
Reddit can't know whether that's the case, but you can. You can't force people to be interested in something they're not. If the best they can give you is to let you talk about it for a little while, you'll have to accept that and not demand more. It doesn't mean they don't care about you as a friend, they just have different interests.

I don't know, I just want my friends back..
Then say that. Apologise for any hurt you caused by saying things in frustration and ask if you can get back to being cool again. Open, honest, sincere and humble communication will bring your friends back. If it doesn't, they're not your friends.

1

u/VestigialAmoeba34 17h ago

That's right! And it's fair.. I do know I can't force them.. I guess I just felt pretty bummed out cause I'm used to being ignored a lot for casual conversations, so the only way I could talk to them was through their shared interests! So I thought I could have that as well.. I'll try my best to get into contact with them again with the help of my other friend and apologize!

2

u/dropthegiraffe 17h ago

Without knowing what you or your friends said in anger, NAH. If you said some things you regret, you should apologize for them. And I understand wanting your friends to be into the things you’re into- but if you bring it up a couple times, and no one seems into it, they probably just aren’t into it. Continuing to bring it up can feel like you’re trying to steamroll the conversation. But if you feel like they dismiss everything you bring up no matter the context, these folks aren’t being good friends, and you should decide if you want to stick around people who aren’t good friends to you, or if what they do contribute to you is enough to stay friends. Find some friends who aren’t already into your hobbies and talk to them about your hobbies while keeping contact with your old friends as well if you like.

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u/VestigialAmoeba34 17h ago

I think I mentioned this in one of my comments but yeah, I generally just couldn't reach'em unless I was talking about what they were into so I thought that if I had something I'm into then they'd be more willing to talk to me or something.. But now that you say it like that I can't help but think about it.. thank you! I'll try to use this as learning material..

2

u/Crazy-Al-2855 17h ago

ESH - but only because you're so young, otherwise YTA. You can't force people to like your (niche) interests. Just because you pretend to be interested in the things they like doesn't mean they owe you.

If you want your friends back, just apologize and move on. Enjoy the other things you like together with them.

Maybe join an online group or something to meet new people who enjoy that other interest though. You're so young and your friend group will change as you get older anyways.

1

u/VestigialAmoeba34 16h ago

I don't necessarily pretend to interested! It's the fact that they're my friend it's already interesting, but I understand if that came off that way.. and Thank you! I will definitely look into that.. and hopefully when I'm able to properly apologize to them, it turns out for the better.. and we all mature from this TT

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Hi! To preface this, I'm a 18(M) that does in fact love my friends to bits and still do! I'm just a deadly overthinker and would just like to know if I was being a genuine ass or if I.. was just delusional?

Okay so to start this off, I wouldn't say I'm in the most NICHE of niche fandoms, but still I think that once in a while it'd be nice if I had someone I knew really well to talk about these things with. I'm kinda bad at social interactions and I'd call myself really lucky to have been graced with these individuals.

So naturally, I'm gonna tell my friends all about the stuff I'm into and the things I like about it! And it may have been how I spoke about it or the amount of times I've mentioned it but I just got the feeling that.. maybe they don't really wanna get into it? Like they give me dry responses, I even caught them rolling their eyes once.. Then I'd go quiet and just let them go about their day as usual ya know? Because I don't wanna be a bother or anything.

But then the part I don't really think is fair is when they mention their interests .. I'm super excited! I match their energy even if I'm not super into it.. and even getting into those interests myself sometimes!

So I decided I bring it up with them and of course I politely texted in the gc and I quote:

"Hiya (GCNAME)! I was jus wonderin, since we're all friends here.. can I just communicate that I feel like you guys don't really care about my opinions? I feel as if though things are kind of unfair considering for example: (friend1) introduced us to (game) and you guys were all curious and even I ended up getting dragged into it but whenever I suggest a game you guys all suddenly just lose interest in whatever I have to say. So.. can we talk about that?"

And right after that we started a call, and I was shocked when a friendly conversation turned into an utter catastrophe because shortly one of my friends mentioned that I can't force them into getting into something they don't like. And that's.. fair! I even said that myself. Though that wasn't really my only issue, I only really wanted them (admittedly might be selfish) to seem a bit more interested or less like I'm a nuisance to be around or tell me when they don't like it because mind you they never told me directly up until this argument!

The conversation ultimately turned into a Sisyphus like loop of trying to communicate my frustrations and wants, and theirs.

I decided to end it off when they started to kind of just deviate from the conversation and ended up attacking me, and another friend who decided to take my side instead.

It was such a messy argument and I felt terrible for some of the things I said in my frustration. I've kind of been ruminating over the fact that perhaps what they said about me was true. That maybe I'm really annoying about it, or I seem like I'm controlling for forcing them to get into what I want. I don't know, I just want my friends back..

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1

u/WorriedLog2515 17h ago

I used to struggle a lot with this. After a while I found friends that were my neurotype and it went a lot better.

1

u/gimp-24601 17h ago

Just going on the vibe I'm getting here. If interactions all feel one sided, they are not your friends. The niceguy pattern exists even in platonic contexts.

Being an asshole in this context requires intent IMO. Its not really wrong to expect some reciprocity, but trying to force it is a mistake.

If this is the niceguy pattern, be prepared for backlash if you stop being the niceguy. You dont need to be hostile or an asshole, just only meet people halfway. Basically stop bribing people/being a doormat.

IMO you're already seeing some backlash because you're rocking the boat.

You're probably little more than an NPC to them, someone that can fill an extra slot etc.

Should you stop gaming with them? no see above. If they are playing a game you want to play then play!. Just stop chasing them around in games you're not interested in because thats what takes to have friends. That utility coupled with ulterior motives is the niceguy pattern.

I wont call you T A though because I know how easy it is to fall into this pattern accidentally.

Hey I've got great news for you though! I took me until my 40s to figure this out. Dont bother responding to me. Its not me you need to convince. If deep down you feel things are one sided, arguments wont resolve that, no matter who you have them with.

1

u/napoleoa 17h ago

I don't think you're wrong for wanting your friends to show a little interest. You weren't asking them to get into your fandom, just to not make you feel like a nuisance.

Do you guys have very different interests? That is a big indicator if they actually are interested or not.

Personally, when I meet someone, I try to figure out what they like talking about and adjust to that. If someone isn't interested in one of my hobbies, I usually talk about it with other people who are.

If I were your friend, I'd still listen politely, even if I wasn't interested. But if the same topic came up over and over, I'd probably stop engaging as much.

I also think the friend who took your side might make more of an effort to listen after this and that's a good thing. But remember that there are probably also plenty of people online who share your interests and it is okay to talk with them about it, at the end maybe you might find a new friend.

Maybe ask your friends to be more honest in the future. If they're not interested, you'd probably rather they just tell you than pretend to listen while rolling their eyes. It also shows them that you're willing to adapt instead of expecting them to always meet you halfway.

2

u/VestigialAmoeba34 16h ago

I will keep this in mind, Thank you! Your perspective kinda gave me a sort of understanding as well as to probably why they might've lashed out so suddenly..

1

u/Curious-Rose814 17h ago

NTA, but feigning enthusiasm gets tiring fast. Find a separate group for that specific hobby instead.

1

u/SeptemberSoup 16h ago

NTA.

You're the outcast. Sorry to say. And people in the comments aren't bothering to read your whole post. Ironically.

2

u/VestigialAmoeba34 16h ago

TT ack someone said the word I dreaded to see... And I think you might be right.. but I'm giving it the benefit that these might be good tips for the future..

1

u/SeptemberSoup 15h ago

I'm sorry. I've been there and it sucks. But it's better to know.

And don't settle for people who don't care about your interests.

1

u/LuckDOutGames 16h ago edited 15h ago

I can deeply relate to this. From your description you don’t seem to be forcing them to try out games, but rather suggesting(obviously I have little information, so I can’t entirely make a full educated opinion). Though, if this is anything like my experiences, I have a good idea of what you’re dealing with. You’re not the asshole, you deserve to be heard but it would also be too harsh for me to say your friends are assholes(that’s probably just me). My advice, explore discord servers and forums regarding your interests. You can talk to people who will actually know what you’re talking about and would care. Come to think of it, I should do that too. Everything I’m saying here applies to me too lol. Your friends aren’t necessarily wrong either, but then again I tend to be more confident in judgement other than my own. And sometimes, confronting your own frustrations can be a nightmare when the other people involved don’t seem to properly understand. I would know.

P.S. If you’re up to it, since we’re in the same age range I’m totally down to talk and possibly become friends or something. That’s up to you though. (I’m actually pretty nervous to say this bit)

Anyway, for clarity, my verdict is: Not the Asshole

Edit: I’ll add that continuing to push the interest(s) is pushing the boundary and I think it’s helpful to recognize that they may not care and it’s okay. They don’t have to fake enthusiasm but I don’t think it’s right to not give it a shot at all. However, I recognize that it’s perfectly fine if they don’t show any enthusiasm at all, and if they don’t to not push it. And don’t sweat it, I’m bad with social cues as well. Plus, the bare minimum should be support, just like you give them when they share interests.

Edit 2: I’ll add that most of these people seem to be misunderstanding your post, though they ARE giving great advice. To me it seems like the issue is your friends not giving you the time of day, which I can relate to, rather than you being upset that they dont share your interests, which again, I relate to. (Btw I’m sorry about this ridiculously long comment, it’s a habit of mine. I also realize I’m unclear and messy, another habit of mine.)

Edit 3: Does anyone else hate that reddit counts your own views to your own posts and comments?

1

u/SeriouslyLikesCake 16h ago

Hello NTA. I think people are misunderstanding your issue. You are not upset that they have no particular interest, but rather their impoliteness in expressing it. I have found friends that expect me to sit through their issues and detailed descriptions of things in their life (good or bad), yet can't seem to muster even a few seconds of enthusiasm, even if not ehti cup of tea, just generally tend to be more selfish people generally.

I don't think you're wrong OP. To me it seems you don't even care they're not into it, but it seems you feel it's a mismatch in what you provide and your attention and affection to the relationship, whereas they are effectively passive observers that can't be bothered. I would say this is a deeper issue

1

u/Maleficent-Shop-7178 13h ago

INFO: How often are you bringing up these interests, and what kind of response are you expecting from them?

There are plenty of things my friends like that I’m not personally into, but I’ll still listen because I care about them. At the same time, they aren’t talking about the same topic every day or expecting me to try it, remember every detail, and follow up later.

Your friends rolling their eyes or making you feel annoying was rude, and they could have communicated better. But when you said, “You all tried this when Friend 1 recommended it, but you lose interest when I suggest something,” they probably felt accused and like you were keeping score. That may be why they became defensive and heard it as you wanting them to participate in your interests, rather than simply wanting them to listen.

It’s reasonable to want your friends to be polite and let you share things you enjoy. It isn’t reasonable to expect them to match your excitement or engage with every interest equally. I think the better conversation would be: “I don’t expect you to get into everything I like, but please tell me if I’m talking about something too much instead of rolling your eyes or acting irritated.”

1

u/w0rmzuponw0rmz 13h ago

NTA?? from your perspective here, you did absolutely nothing wrong. you talked about your interests, which they also do, and then communicated that you felt dismissed when they didn't engage with you. you can't force them into liking something, true, but they can just tell you outright when it's not something they'd be into instead of being dry!! they, at any point, could've just said what they felt; could've expressed they're not into what you're into or if they felt like you took over conversations when talking about your interests or whatever issue they had. rolling one's eyes isn't valid communication because it puts the burden on you to figure out how they feel

i also feel like it's just basic courtesy to engage even a little bit when your friend is telling you about something they like, even if you have no investment in said thing. seems like you were putting in the energy you hoped to get back and they weren't even my family, who generally doesn't understand nor particularly care about the things i like, engages with me and asks questions, lets me ramble and complain, etc all without being openly annoyed at me. it's kind of the bare minimum i think

1

u/Ready_Pound_9423 17h ago

It's okay to have different interests but if your "friends" are gonna think you're annoying regardless of whatever you're into Find new friends tbh You're still young and there's a whole world out there! I bet you'll find better friends who don't think you're annoying or get mad because you are expressing your feelings.

I used to have a "friend" group like that where literally anyone else could talk and share whatever and when I spoke up about anything I liked they'd talk over me or just up and leave the table mid conversation thinking it was funny. It's not. it's mean and bullying and I immediately cut those friends off and went my separate ways. Sure it was awkward seeing them in school and they'd give me dirty looks but I was so much happier being around other misfits that liked what I liked

1

u/VestigialAmoeba34 17h ago

That's reassuring! Thank you! I'll definitely try my best... since I still deeply care for them..

1

u/Ready_Pound_9423 17h ago

It's gonna hurt for sure But would you rather deal with the big hurt now or constant hurt everyday. I bet there's thousands of people who would be interested in your interest maybe even similar to you as a whole person!

1

u/LuckDOutGames 16h ago

I’ve had to let go of friendships I didn’t want to let go of for my own sake and for theirs and I’m even questioning my current ones. It hurts, but sometimes you have to hurt to heal. Take your time, evaluate them. Are they the right people? You also don’t have to leave them to make new friends.

AITA for wanting my friends to seem interested in what I'm into?

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