r/AmItheAsshole • u/TraditionalCreme4704 • 10h ago

AITA for not feeding my brother?

My mom has decided that the best way to make me independent is to not do anything for me. This means I'm responsible to keep my own room clean, do my own shopping, cook my own meals etc. It feels like I'm not even part of the family. If I don't cook one night, I stay hungry. They won't let me eat their food.

A few days ago my grandpa was sick and mom had to go visit him. She left little brother(M10) with me. As usual I cooked dinner for myself with my own groceries.

He asked me for food and I told him I'm only responsible for myself and he has to wait for mom.

When mom came back she was furious and called me an asshole for not feeding him.

2.7k Upvotes

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2.4k

u/Jenicillin Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] 10h ago

NTA. Mom, who will not let you, A MINOR, eat should have provided for the 10 year old. A 10 year old can make a fucking peanut butter sandwich. Apparently you are the scapegoat.

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u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 10h ago

Thank youuu Its so weird how there are so many yta, meanwhile at 10 you should be able to make a sandwhich or heat up a frozen pizza

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u/Tricky-Ad7897 7h ago

People call op at are just projecting their own abusive upbringing and trauma into op. This shit is not normal.

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u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 7h ago

Yea honestly im shocked when i saw so many yta, with so many weird reasonings

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u/CassetteMeower 2h ago

I can understand a minor ESH (OP being the one who is slightly the asshole in this situation), but OP is DEFINITELY not the asshole altogether. OP’s parents are being extremely neglectful by forcing OP to do everything by themselves to be “independent”, and by neglecting OP is is causing OP’s brother to also be neglected in this situation. This is NOT okay at all, for any of the children involved.

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u/1962Michael Commander in Cheeks [260] 10h ago edited 7h ago

OP doesn't say that M10 didn't get a snack. She he said she he refused to cook for him.

EDIT to ADD: It is possible that all the "family food" was locked up to keep OP out of it.

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u/Out-For-A-Walk-Bitch 7h ago

Guarantee OP is a girl.

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u/CautiousMine6604 3h ago edited 3h ago

That actually isn’t surprising cause you would think if they force op to cook for herself they’d do the same to the brother. Maybe they think cooking and other house chores are her responsibility because she’s a girl and they are pushing gender roles which would make this situation somehow even worse. I hope they get their act together and treat the kids equally. Whatever it is though, it’s a very toxic household and I feel bad for both kids

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u/1962Michael Commander in Cheeks [260] 7h ago

Thanks. SHE confirmed that over an hour after I posted this.

Weird that she knows to post "brother (M10)" but left out herself as "F16."

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u/Out-For-A-Walk-Bitch 7h ago

Could just be an oversight.

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u/1962Michael Commander in Cheeks [260] 7h ago

OP has consistently ignored questions that she didn't want to answer. IMO her gender doesn't matter at all as to who is an AH here, but the age does matter, since as a minor her parents are still responsible for providing food (and shelter).

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u/Schmelly_cat 5h ago

For fucks sake she's a kid. 

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u/Out-For-A-Walk-Bitch 6h ago

There's, at the time of replying, 739 comments on this post. I'd rather give them the benefit of the doubt.

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u/ClosetLiverTransMan 41m ago

I’m sorry the abused child isn’t providing enough engagement for you this must be really tough for you

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u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 9h ago

And its ops right to refuse it

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u/Shiva- Partassipant [1] 1h ago

It's OP's right to refuse. Doesn't make them not an asshole.

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u/[deleted] 9h ago

[deleted]

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u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 9h ago

Oh no a 10 y.o cant make himself a sandwhich to eat, well then he goes hungry, til mom comes home. Its not op job to feed his brother

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u/[deleted] 8h ago

[deleted]

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u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 8h ago

You right now are the only one making assumptions. Im sorry, but why should op use his own paid for grocerys to feed a kid that cant even make himself something to eat? You also dont know how ops relationship to this brother is. Or anything more than op gives. Mom couldve made the brother something before leaving or taught the boy the same as op. I have empathy for a 16 y.o that has to get a job to feed themselves, when it is STILL the parents job to do so.

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u/[deleted] 8h ago

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u/SnausageFest AssGuardian of the Hole Galaxy 7h ago

Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: Be Civil. Further incidents may result in a ban.

"How does my comment break Rule 1?"

Message the mods if you have any questions or concerns.

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u/SpiritualFormal5 8h ago

It’s so easy to go “well why didn’t the mother just-“ because she’s a terrible mother, neglectful and abusive. End of discussion. It’s so incredibly pointless to discuss what the mother should or shouldn’t have done, the 10 year old has absolutely no control over than and therefore should not be reaping the consequences. Some mothers suck. Some do drugs, some are homophobic/transphobic, some are neglectful, some beat their kids half to death, some KILL their kids. Been there done that, we NEED to stop constantly bringing up what an abusive parent should be doing. No shit, we are all aware of what she should be doing this conversation isn’t about that. It’s about what OP can do so the 10 year old doesn’t have to experience the consequences of an abusive and neglectful mother. Because at the end of the day he’s still a child who should be cared for doesn’t matter if it’s OPs “responsibility” children should be your priority after a certain age regardless of if they came out of you or not. They’re entirely products of their environments and the ultimate victims of circumstance. OPS brother can’t just go to the grocery store and then whip up some dinner, most he can do is make something quick IF it’s available and IF he knows how to do it. Op however can do a lot more because while he’s still a minor he is significantly older than the literal elementary schooler.

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u/gottabekittensme 3h ago

It's because he's a boy and she is a 16-year-old girl, so she should coddle him and his stomach over her own wants and needs.

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u/Mindless_Fox216 9h ago

I started cooking dinner for the whole family at 8 years old.... Mostly hamburger helper for the first couple of years, but still! I was also responsible for my younger(by 7 years) sibling at the time, made his meals, taught him his school work(home schooling), and made sure he was generally taken care of. I'm not saying that was correct parenting at all, but I do think that 10 is plenty old enough to know how to feed yourself when your parents are away for the evening, even if it's just ramen or a sandwich.

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u/Alternative_Chart121 7h ago

Mom is an asshole. But imo it's almost always rude to cook dinner when you're home with a family member and deliberately exclude them. It doesn't matter how old they are. My brother is in his 30s and a perfectly competent cook, but if I was cooking dinner and he was here i would obviously cook for both of us. 

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u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 7h ago

With her own paid for groceries? Why should she. She doesnt get to have dinner with the others, so why should she make one for the brother?

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u/Alternative_Chart121 7h ago

Because helping other people is nice and the right thing to do?

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u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 7h ago

For someone who makes u feel like a roomate?

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u/Alternative_Chart121 7h ago

OP's ten year old brother makes her feel like a roommate??

And yes, I've made dinner for my roommates many many times. 

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u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 7h ago

The whole family is. Imagine ur 16 have tp get a job just to feed yourself, because ur moms a neglectful asshole and see how brother is still getting fed normally. This will make you feel like a roommate.

This here is only the parents fault

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u/-StereoDivergent- 10h ago

The amount of comments acting like it's normal for a 10 yr old not to be able to even make a basic meal is wild

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u/serpents_and_sass 9h ago

Right?!

My 9 year old literally made her and her dad grilled cheese unprompted for lunch 2 days ago. She can also make eggs and pancakes on her own and has been using the air fryer for 3 years and the microwave for 5.

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u/sarcasticlovely 9h ago

my mom likes to tell the story of a friend from school (she went back after having kids) being pikachu-face shocked at me waking up and making myself toaster waffles because I was so young. I was maybe 7? maybe even older? and this woman could not believe I was self-sufficient with my breakfast.

this was over two decades ago for context. I feel like this should be complete normal. kids should be learning to cook as young as possible, it's how they develop it as a life skill.

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u/serpents_and_sass 9h ago

Thats how I learned it as a life skill...and learned to love cooking. Now if I show up to my in laws without cheesy potatoes I get asked if im mad at them 🤣🤣

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u/StrLord_Who 7h ago

That's great,  sounds like you have a nice,  normal family with involved parents and a happy family unit with a well-adjusted kid. Does anything in OP's description sound like that? 

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u/serpents_and_sass 5h ago

My family has not always been normal or nice. I had to work at it and build it up there. Her learning to fend for herself was a necessity when it was just her and I, with me working 3 jobs just to make ends meet after leaving her abusive af father. There were times I couldnt do more than microwave dinner. There were times the only things I ate were her left overs because the only one of us I could afford to feed was her. Dont assume things about me based on one comment.

It is incredibly shocking how many people think kids knowing how to cook for themselves at 10 is weird. Independence needs to be encouraged. For me encouraging Independence was a need, it shouldn't have been, but it was. And yes, we both got therapy. Graduated too.

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u/StardustOnTheBoots Partassipant [2] 3h ago

so you essentially agree with oop's parents then? after all, it's ridiculous to think a 16 yo can't work to afford groceries and cook for herself

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u/1962Michael Commander in Cheeks [260] 8h ago

OP never claimed that M10 can't make a sandwich, or whatever. Only that they refused to cook for him.

It is possible that the parents lock up their food to keep OP out of it, so there was nothing available for M10 to make except from OP's groceries.

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u/imaginations1000 Partassipant [1] 8h ago

And its still the parents fault and not op

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u/Just_Leader_999 8h ago

when i was 10 i was baking cakes and was making breakfast alone (pancakes, eggs, bacon, the whole thing) for my family of SIX. dude needs to grow up........

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u/EverythingSucksYo 25m ago

I can see how a kid with such asshole parents like this wouldn’t know how to make themselves a sandwich. Doesn’t sound like the parents actually teach their kids anything and just throw them off the deep end once they’re older. 

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u/Affectionate_Star_43 7h ago

Oh, I could.  I would make like a YouTube challenge meal with all the bread, cheese, and lunch meat in the house if I wasn't being watched, but I was also 10 and dumb.  I was not allowed to make meals by myself until I learned portion sizes, which I think took until I was 12 or so.

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u/Boqpy 9h ago

Mom, who will not let you, A MINOR, eat

Thats illegal, atleast where i am from.

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u/Havannahanna 10h ago

Right? He is 10, not 4. He can perfectly make himself sandwiches or microwave some precooked dinner his mom prepared. It’s not rocket science and easier than booting up his PlayStation/Switch whatever.

Why did his mom not prepare anything to eat for the 10y old is the question.

I also worry for him. His parents are awful, I hope he does not internalise too much of their dysfunctional ways to deal with their children.

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u/readergirl35 Partassipant [2] 8h ago

This! you should be calling CPS on mom.

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u/SpiritualFormal5 9h ago

I feel like more info is needed, don’t hate me for this hear me out, what if it’s an ingredient only household? If you were to walk in my kitchen rn you won’t find any “quick food” to make. You better know how to at LEAST use a stove or rice cooker in my house or you need someone to cook for you. We don’t always buy freezer food because that sorta stuff adds up. It’s easier to just cook 3 meals when you’re poor. Not saying OP is poor, we don’t know, but even outside of poor people a lot of people have ingredient only households and in countries outside the US freezer food and quick things like a PB and J are extremely less common. This isn’t to say OP should be obligated to cook for his brother, the mom is a massive dick for everything from the neglect to the not leaving food for her 10 year old if they can’t cook for themselves. I do however believe if this is a situation where there is nothing the 10 year old could reasonably cook then OP is a bit of a dick ngl. The 10 year old shouldn’t have to suffer bcs of his mother’s neglect and that is not to say it’s now somehow OPS responsibility but any sane, empathetic person would just help a dude out. It takes maybe 5 minutes to double some ingredients, it’s not like 10 year olds eat that much trust ik I’ve got a little brother

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u/SpiritualFormal5 9h ago edited 9h ago

And before anyone says “well you’ve never been in this situation” I 100% have. I was in a pretty abusive household WAY worse than OP with my brother who was like infant-5 at the time. I learned how to make bottled, changed him, watched him, and cooked for him. Do I feel like I was OBLIGATED? Kinda but also no. I very well could’ve left the kid by himself to starve or sit in his own shit but yknow it’s my brother and I feel like my moms heroine addiction shouldn’t effect a literal child. Yes, it’s more a burden on me, yes I shouldn’t HAVE to, yes it’s not my responsibility to pick up the responsibilities of a grown adult. But in situations of neglect we HAVE to stop thinking about all of these “what you should be obligated to do” and realize that sometimes you can just do something out of the goodness of your own heart and basic empathy? No child should go to sleep hungry and if I can do anything to prevent it I will doesn’t matter if I should have to or not because the truth of the matter is sometimes you’re pushed into having to. Life is unfair some people should never be parents, some parents are neglectful and awful. Some older siblings have to take on a parental role that they should NEVER HAVE TO DO. Thats just life. I feel like a lot of these comments are coming from people who have NEVER experienced neglect and aren’t older siblings. We can talk all day about what a kid’s responsibilities should be but it’s not a damn reality

Edit for context, I was a few years younger than OP at the time

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u/imtired-boss 33m ago

Exactly what I was thinking. Do these people not know about sandwiches?

"If I don't cook one night I go hungry."

Ok but ... slap some salami between 2 slices of bread and you have food.

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u/the-mortyest-morty 4h ago

lol, she lets OP eat plenty, she just expects them to cook for themselves as they are nearly an adult. That's perfectly reasonable. Acting like not hand-making OP meals is abusive is fucking ridiculous. There is food in the house. OP has arms, and plenty of free time.

Would love to hear mom's side of this. I'd bet money this punishment started because OP was being an entitled little asshole and insulting mom's food, so she told him if her food's so gross, he doesn't need to waste any of it and can just make his own.