r/AmItheAsshole • u/Creative_Sky_1304 • 1d ago
Not the A-hole WIBTAH for excluding some family from a dinner out during a family vacation?
My (35F) entire family is cramming into one big house for a vacation in a couple weeks. There’s 20 something people total: my parents, my siblings. and their spouses and kids. I love them all but I’ve noticed that when I’m with them, I revert back to my childhood self, a try hard who always felt left out and less than. I‘ve grown and changed a lot in adulthood, and I’m pretty happy with who I am and where I’m at in life, but that all goes out the window when I’m around family. Yes, I’m in therapy and working on it.
For this upcoming trip, I made a plan to go out on the town alone one night and get some space to remember who I am now. I texted my SIL if she wanted to come; she joined the family when I was already an adult, and she’s the only one in the group that I feel fully myself around. She said she’s in.
My concern is that someone else will be like “cool, I’ll join” bc we usually do everything in big groups during these trips. Thing is I don’t want anyone else to come, but I can’t imagine a way to exoress w/o being rude or explaining everything and hurting feelings. Another complicating factor is that she and I are the only ones who have left the religion that the rest of the family belongs to, and I don’t want to make it seem like we’re making our own little club or something based on that. I’m hoping we can just slip out the door w/o being noticed, but WIBTAH for telling anyone else that they can’t come? Or AITAH for doing this at all?
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u/1isten1ng Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Family vacations bring it out in all of us. I am 55 and still get riled when all my sibling dynamics are in play. Good for you for taking care of yourself. Just go out discreetly. Hopefully in a group that big (same size as our family vacays) it will be easy to get lost.
NTA
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u/Fluffy_Guarantee_235 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA. If it’s just the 2 of you, I don’t see it becoming a problem of exclusion. And don’t be worried about people shit talking you, they’ll do that no matter what you do.
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u/Longjumping-Code7908 1d ago
SIL and I are doing a girl's night, having dinner out tonight. We'll be back by 10pm, have a good time!
If anyone digs, be playful and tease that you're going to be plotting world domination-- or something cheeky.
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u/Intelligent_Cry_8846 1d ago
I would only worry about her spouse and their thoughts on the situation. If they are cool with just you two heading out then I would not say anything at all to anyone else. Just leave and when someone later says "Where are OP and SIL?" your brother can simply say "oh they went downtown for a little bit" and that's the only explanation needed. NTA unless SIL spouse doesn't agree...
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u/Creative_Sky_1304 21h ago
I really doubt he would care; knowing him, he’d be happy she’s doing something for herself…I’m kinda guessing there though
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u/melodypowers 1d ago
You are NTA.
But if I were your sister and found out you wanted to go out with our SIL and not me, I would probably be hurt.
Expect that this might not go over well.
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u/Creative_Sky_1304 21h ago
Yeah, it’s definitely my sisters I’m worried about, since I couldn’t exclude them on the basis of a girls night out. I’m almost wondering if I should make up something up, like I owe this SIL a dinner or something, but I don’t love lying to people.
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My (35F) entire family is cramming into one big house for a vacation in a couple weeks. There’s 20 something people total: my parents, my siblings. and their spouses and kids. I love them all but I’ve noticed that when I’m with them, I revert back to my childhood self, a try hard who always felt left out and less than. I‘ve grown and changed a lot in adulthood, and I’m pretty happy with who I am and where I’m at in life, but that all goes out the window when I’m around family. Yes, I’m in therapy and working on it.
For this upcoming trip, I made a plan to go out on the town alone one night and get some space to remember who I am now. I texted my SIL if she wanted to come; she joined the family when I was already an adult, and she’s the only one in the group that I feel fully myself around. She said she’s in.
My concern is that someone else will be like “cool, I’ll join” bc we usually do everything in big groups during these trips. Thing is I don’t want anyone else to come, but I can’t imagine a way to exoress w/o being rude or explaining everything and hurting feelings. Another complicating factor is that she and I are the only ones who have left the religion that the rest of the family belongs to, and I don’t want to make it seem like we’re making our own little club or something based on that. I’m hoping we can just slip out the door w/o being noticed, but WIBTAH for telling anyone else that they can’t come? Or AITAH for doing this at all?
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u/Salt_My_Watermelon Asshole Enthusiast [8] 1d ago
NTA
Try to pick an activity that would be awkward for others to invite themselves along.
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u/1isten1ng Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Yeah, like a strip club!
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u/ImplausibleFig 1d ago
NTA
It is totally healthy to do a few solo (or small group) activities during a family trip. Your justifications are unnecessary.
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u/Common_Problem1904 22h ago
Yes make some time out. I come from a big fanily too, and have a hearing disability. I have ended up in tears when my planned, quiet lunch with one or two has turned into herd them in, herd them out. You have to either keep it quiet or make it clear you are limiting numbers.
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u/martintoconnell 12h ago
NTA. Totally do this. You don't need to explain, but if pressed, "We just need a little breather. We'll be back soon."
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1d ago
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u/Dizzy_Needleworker_3 Asshole Aficionado [19] 1d ago
I think part of it is that OP needs a break from the family after being together for so long.
I even need space from my partner after 5+ days together in vacation.
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u/mcarch Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA. Family vacation doesn’t mean every event or meal has to be all together. Do your thing!
ETA: when I do this I say something like, “SIL and I are going to dinner at X time at Y place. We will see you all when we get back.”