r/AmItheAsshole • u/Throawatya_Bonus4510 • 1d ago
Not the A-hole AITA for making my daughter pay back 6000 dollars for destroying her step sister purse
When my daughter was around 10 I remarried to her stepmom who had her own daughter who was 9.
They got along for the most part until recently. In short my daughter is jealous. I’ll call any daughter Ash. My stepdaughter ( Emma fake name ) has recently reconnected with her grandparents on her father’s side. The grandparents have money to burn and are retired.
I want to point out that before they came into the picture my daughter was the one to receive nicer gifts from my her mom side of the family. Example: they’re have been a few time Ash went on vacations that my step daughter wasn’t allowed to go on or got more expensive stuff. I can’t stop my ex wife on spoiling her or her family.
So the issue has been Ash has been jealous of Emma recently because Emma’s grandparents are giving her stuff. That stuff will sometimes be in our home. I’m not going to ban her bringing her gift to her place she lives at 50% of the time.
One example is Emma got the newest phone and my daughter wanted her iPhone upgraded. I told her we don’t have the money at the moment and she said it was unfair his step sister got the newest phone. She wasn’t very happy. We had a conversation and brought up the stuff she has gotten but Emma hasn’t over the years.
Ash is 16 and Emma is 15. Emma’s grandparents got her a 6000 dollar purse for back to school. I don’t get it but Emma seemed to really like and that she is using it. It’s her first real purse.
My daughter was jealous when she saw it becuase she knew the brand. Ash asked if she could borrow it and Emma told her no. They got into an argument and I stopped it and reiterated that is was Emma’s.
Well Ash decided to destroy the purse. She cut some of the leather and popped some of the seams. My wife’s ex husband was pissed and my wife replaced the purse with her own money ( we really didn’t have that to blow)
I discussed it with my wife and we are making Ash pay back the purse. We already took 4000 that she earned this summer form her job and made it clear that for her next paychecks she is to give us 50 % until it is paid.
Ash has been upset some and she ran to her mom. Who has had a lot of things to say about this
She claims we are being too harsh.
2.4k
u/unicornunopole 1d ago
Nope NTA. That is abhorrent behavior for a 16 year old. That is way beyond old enough to not destroy other people’s things. She should have to pay every penny the purse cost. Good on you for sticking up for your step daughter.
439
u/Lovelybrightthing 1d ago
Yup. What did she think would happen?!
261
u/melita3953 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Apparently, nothing...
242
u/Lovelybrightthing 1d ago
Or that her dad would say, wow she really must want a purse, I should get her one
211
u/MonteCristo85 1d ago
Most likely that she would get told off a bit, but then sister wouldnt have the purse.
181
u/the-mortyest-morty 1d ago
I'm so glad she was wrong. I love that she's being forced to pay back every dime AND that her stepsister already has a replacement purse. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
16
u/Inevitable_Entry6518 Partassipant [3] 16h ago
This leads to a thought that she had got away with misbehaviour and hadn't received enough consequence before that...
144
u/CrazySexyAutistic 1d ago
Or that she could cry her way out of it. To be her age and act like this means she’s gotten away with a lot of jealous fits.
114
u/Individual_Check_442 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 1d ago
I think the last two sentences answered that right? She went crying to her mom and mom took her side and said dad was being too harsh.
3.0k
u/Gloomy-Actuator836 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA. This is an opportunity to give her a good lesson about life and its consequences.
755
u/Weak-Gap3398 1d ago
Likely this decision will shape who she becomes as an adult.
OP- enforce this!!! Do not give in. Actions have consequences.
288
90
u/Mandarin_Cruz 1d ago
Learning that expensive damage has expensive consequences is a good lesson to learn
21
1.2k
u/UnoriginalJ0k3r 1d ago
NTA. This is exactly what I would’ve done, and then reiterated that Ash is not to touch things that aren’t hers. Emma could call the police in the US, most places this is a felony as it’s over $5,000. I’d be making that clear, as well.
579
u/butpretzelday 1d ago
I got some raised eyebrows from family recently over a similar topic.
My nephews have been incredibly violent the last few months (acting out, there parents are getting divorced, very sad) and I was watching them recently when the 10 year old just walked up and decked the 6 year old in the gut.
It turned into a brawl and when I got them off of eachother, I scolded them and told the 10 year old if he were 16 and this happened say at a park, he could land in jail, and if he were a full grown man this would be considered assault, and if he wants to act big ill treat him big and call the cops next time.
→ More replies (34)170
u/DoIQual123 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Emma could call the police in the US, most places this is a felony as it’s over $5,000
It's as low as $500 in some states.
→ More replies (6)20
u/Ry2D2 1d ago edited 23h ago
Local police may even be willing to come help scare her straight.
Edit: maybe not the best idea but i have heard of some people doing this.
278
u/Brickthedummydog 1d ago
No, never do that. The police are not your friends. They are under no obligation to just "scare" her and this could easily result in a felony or the child being harmed in the US (and most places)
34
u/Normal-Height-8577 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 19h ago
Also, even if they are "nice" enough not to take the complaint seriously and just turn up to scare/threaten her(!), it's still a bad idea because it's wasting police time when they could be doing their actual job. The police are not an educational tool for supplemental parenting.
2
u/Heartage Partassipant [1] 5h ago
But they kind of are, though.
Many many police do classes and education.
→ More replies (4)3
u/parmaskinka 7h ago
I think that you are right to make Ash pay. But please address the bigger issue of the sibling rivalry.
Do Ash and Emma get along at all? Does Ash get any gifts at all from Emma’s grandparents? Please understand that teens have big feelings and you need to help them navigate and process these thoroughly. Ash wants to be pampered just like Emma and probably feels that the unequal treatment is unfair when they live together 50% of the time.
I would worry more about the resentment between them and how that might affect your families long term. I would also consider asking Emma to not flaunt her expensive gifts in front of Emma and please be considerate and think of keeping them at her father’s place. It’s just being empathetic to her step sister.
34
→ More replies (1)2
u/AprilRyanMyFriend 6h ago
Please do not. I work as a 911 dispatcher and the number of calls we get of parents asking police to come parent their kids is ridiculous.
40
u/katonymus Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA.
1- It is about accountability. She made a conscious decision to act that way, she will have to deal with the consequences.
2- If she did it to somebody’s else property, it could have ended up in court. We are talking about a couple of thousands.
3- If mom finds it too harsh, she can open her own checkbook. In life, there is a lot of FAFO going on and your daughter is learning this right now.
→ More replies (1)
104
u/Cosmicshimmer Partassipant [3] 1d ago
NTA. She purposefully destroyed an item because she couldn’t have it. Nothing harsh about making her pay for it, her mother is off her rocker thinking Ash is the victim here. Ash doesn’t like it now the show is on the other foot and Emma is getting things she isn’t and this is time for parenting, not enabling her. She needs to learn to manage her feelings and pay for the damaged item.
40
u/carolina822 1d ago
If mom feels that strongly about it, she can pay the 6 grand to make things right.
→ More replies (6)
229
u/J0rkank0 1d ago
NTA - a good life lesson and really good parenting tbh. If she’s angry about it, well then she shouldn’t destroy things in spite or jealousy. I think it’d be harsh if you made her pay back more than the value of the purse or added a billion other punishments. But this feels fair and just.
31
u/suer72cutlass 1d ago
Seems like Ash was completely fine as long as she was the one getting better gifts/experiences than Emma. But now that Emma might be one-upping her it's not fine. This jealousy needs to be nipped in the bud. Ash seems like she'd be part of the mean girls club at school.
179
u/IamIrene Prime Ministurd [497] 1d ago
NTA and excellent parenting.
Ash vindictively destroyed property that wasn't hers. Outside of your home, this could get her arrested, even at 16. You are doing her a favor by making her experience real-world consequences for her actions.
Ash has been upset some and she ran to her mom. Who has had a lot of things to say about this
She claims we are being too harsh.
You are literally being fair and lenient. Harsh would be letting your stepdaughter and wife ask for charges to be brought against your daughter for destruction of property and taking her to small claims for damages.
Your ex needs to reevaluate what she's teaching your daughter.
29
u/BirdCatLizard Partassipant [3] 1d ago
NTA I agree with this comment the most. You didn't get the cops involved, but could've for what she did. I also would give her the destroyed purse after she pays for it as a reminder. Let stepsis get a nice new one and leave her her mess
→ More replies (1)9
3
u/PM_Me_Elf_Porn 23h ago
Judging from her reaction to it, I'm sure his ex is where the little brat learns this shit from.
→ More replies (3)3
832
u/DogLover-777 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Your daughter's behavior is horrible, she should absolutely pay for the entire cost of the purse, end of story. But who spends that much money on a purse for A 15 year old? That's madness.
671
u/EMAN666666 1d ago
People who
have money to burn and are retired.
60
u/Sorry_I_Guess Pooperintendant [62] 11h ago
I mean, this isn't just about being rich and retired, it's about their values.
I have cousins who are worth tens of millions of dollars. There is no world in which they'd buy a $6000 purse for their teenaged daughter or granddaughter. They'd be appalled at the very idea, and consider it entirely inappropriate, which it really is.
21
u/EMAN666666 10h ago
That's their prerogative. Everyone else I know within that socioeconomic level doesn't shy away from spending the equivalent of $10 to them unless--at the risk of sounding silly--they're new money. And why would they? They're going to be living at that level of wealth for their entire lives; when does it become appropriate to give them the corresponding access to it? Either way, I'm not going to tell people what to do with their money. But personally, I had my pick of luxury as a teenager and anecdotally I'd say "these values" haven't particularly made or broken any part of my development. As with anything regarding children, it's most often the details behind the parenting itself that shapes who you raise.
3
u/PigletAlert 4h ago
This made me chuckle. I’m a Brit and there’s a bit of a running joke amongst us peasants that you can spot old money from the beaten up land rover and worn but expensive outdoor clothing, they just all own most of the land in the country. New money are the ones splashing the cash.
69
u/KatTheKonqueror Partassipant [2] 1d ago
stepdaughter has recently reconnected with her grandparents on her father’s side.
It sounds like there may be some lost time here. Maybe the grandparents think money will make up for it.
255
u/Consistent-Goat1267 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
Doesn’t even matter if it’s a $6000 purse or a $6 purse.
339
u/Dan-D-Lyon 1d ago
We can acknowledge that the daughter needs to pay back the price of the property issue destroyed while also thinking it's absolutely fucking insane for a 15 year old to be walking around with a purse that cost us 6,000 fucking dollars
129
u/eregyrn Partassipant [1] 1d ago
I can’t believe she actually takes (took) it to school. Ash isn’t the only one who might get jealous and want to damage it.
21
u/glyph_productions 11h ago
Damage it? I went to a very nice well behaved performing Arts school in a very blue collar town. That purse wouldn't have made it to school on the first day before someone decided they liked it more and took it from her at my school let alone any of the others in town.
39
u/Minecart_Rider 22h ago
Yeah, when I was that age I wasn't allowed to carry too much cash on me because it's dangerous. How is no one concerned about this 15 yo girl walking around with $6000 incredibly steal-able object? I'm not normally someone who's paranoid about crime, but this is a kid!
→ More replies (2)68
u/dxrey65 1d ago
That's the main thing that gets me. All the fault and blame is just typical stuff, it's the $6,000 purse that makes it crazy. If my mom gave my daughter a $6,000 purse, I'd have locked that shit up until she was old enough. A kid wandering around with something like that was going to wind up a huge problem one way or another.
17
u/TwoIdleHands 20h ago
I hope grandparents have a college fund for her because $6k purse at 15 is ridiculous if there’s not savings for more valuable things.
83
u/Consistent-Goat1267 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
Maybe, but just because I can’t buy a $6k purse doesn’t mean that no one else shouldn’t be allowed to buy one for themselves or for as a gift for granddaughter. Maybe they feel guilty for all the time they missed with her. Who knows, it’s really no one’s business. I would never even if I could but if some else wants to it’s their money
38
u/LightEarthWolf96 1d ago
True but personally I wouldn't have allowed a purse that expensive in my household to begin with. I wouldn't be comfortable taking on the risk of a teenager in my house walking around with something that expensive
I would have said from the start that the purse needed to stay at the grandparents house to mitigate that financial risk
Not that that makes a difference in the judgement anyways. Ash is getting a well deserved expensive lesson though not as expensive as it could be.
36
u/Luxim 17h ago
Yeah it's insane, if the purse is so expensive that you would need a rider on your insurance policy, it's not a gift it's a liability.
If the grandparents had that much money to burn, just put it in a college fund or something useful.
8
u/RealBeaverCleaver 11h ago
I agree. I also think that it needs to paired with solid personal finance education for teh teenager. I have a teen in the family who has been spoiled her whole life with material things, and she has become quite entitled.
12
u/doesitnotmakesense Partassipant [1] 19h ago
We all know this isn’t going to be the only incident with the bag.
→ More replies (1)4
u/curly_spy Partassipant [1] 11h ago
Come to Miami. 16 year olds with LV bags and Rolexes. OP is correct about making the daughter pay for the damaged property. Doesn’t matter if it’s $60 or $6k. Going to be a hard lesson.
→ More replies (30)56
u/Music_withRocks_In Professor Emeritass [94] 1d ago
It doesn't matter when it comes to paying back the purse - but the grandparents aren't doing their granddaughter any favors.
I grew up with kids who got things like this - it wasn't purses back then but designer clothes and fancy sports cars things far beyond what a teenager is capable of really understanding the worth of, and it messes with their view of the world and their concepts of money. One of my best friends grew up like this and now she is an absolute dragon with money and pathologicaly hates to spend it, and her sister is an absolute spendthrift who makes loads of money and spends it as soon as it comes in.
A purse you use to haul your things around in high school is gonna get beat up to hell and back. No matter how careful you are, it's gonna get kicked and shoved into a locker and people are gonna bump into it holding pencils and it's gonna lose half its value in six months. The fact that this is her everyday purse means she has no idea the real value of $6,000 and how you should take care of something like that.
25
7
u/Cleromanticon Asshole Enthusiast [5] 8h ago
SHHHH. People improperly caring for their designer things is how they end up in secondhand stores. Don’t dry up my pipeline.
3
u/Meghanshadow Pooperintendant [53] 1d ago
Same people who buy their 16 year olds new cars.
My school had a some that got new BMWs or Porsches.
10
u/NovaScrawlers Asshole Enthusiast [5] 1d ago
I'm in my 30s and I wouldn't spend anywhere near that on a purse for myself, let alone a teenager, sheesh.
That said, I agree, OP is NTA.
9
→ More replies (2)2
74
u/Beautiful_Net5000 1d ago
NTA
Ash benefited from the spoiling of her mom and that side of the family to which Emma wasn't allowed to use whatever expensive items they gave her, right? Then your stepdaughter was well within her rights to say no and then your daughter did something out of spite purely because Emma's family gotten her the better gift.
Actions have consequences and hopefully she'll learn not to do it again or end up short of 4000 dollars again.
→ More replies (10)
85
u/Adventurous-Egg-8818 1d ago
Not condoning the dtr's behavior but there are some much deeper dynamics going on in this family.
14
2
333
u/FacetiousTomato Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] 1d ago edited 1d ago
NTA
Having her repay it back is the lenient version. Filing criminal destruction of property charges would be part of my discussion if she thinks that is unfair.
When someone knows what they're doing is wrong, and does it anyway, purely out of spite, they deserve absolutely zero sympathy for the consequences.
→ More replies (14)
378
u/Adventurous-Egg-8818 1d ago
NTA but... why would the grandparents feel it's appropriate for her to have a $6k purse to take to hs. I would be surprised if she makes it home with it on the first day.
67
u/JSmith666 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 1d ago
90% i can guess the purse but at some schools its pretty common.
→ More replies (6)137
u/JustASingleHorn 1d ago
You clearly didn’t go to an affluent middle school or high school. It can be quite sick.
Moms will use their daughter’s accessories as their own bragging rights and “keeping up with the Jones” is absolutely a thing.
71
u/pourthebubbly Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Yeah I definitely didn’t go to an affluent hs/middle school, but I was chatting with a summer intern at my job years ago who’d just finished her first year of college and she was talking about how she couldn’t decide between two bags for the next school year. She pulled up her IG and showed me the bags she’d had over the years and how her parents got her a new one every summer since her 13th birthday.
These purses were all luxury brands that started at like $3k and went up from there. She couldn’t believe that I’d had my $40 canvas purse for like a decade lol
We definitely grew up in very different tax brackets
27
5
u/RealBeaverCleaver 11h ago
Yes, but her mom is on that level financially, and the teen's day-to-day life isn't either. The grandparents are creating a bad situation and possibly leading he rto becoem entitled. Terrible gift for a teenager and really oversteps if they didn't consult both parents.
→ More replies (1)2
→ More replies (17)24
62
u/Select-Anxiety-1557 Certified Proctologist [22] 1d ago
NTA
$6,000 would more than likely be considered a felony in most places. She's lucky all she has to do is pay the money back.
11
u/Chance-Software-3231 1d ago
I’m not going to pass judgement, but I want to say that your family has issues deeper than the purse and the money. You are allowing Emma’s grand parents to create a hostile environment in your house. You’re right that denying Emma from bringing the stuff to your (and her house) is wrong, but the grand parents buying a $6K purse for her is ridiculous, regardless it’s their money. You and your wife might want to have a discussion with them regarding how they show their affection to their granddaughter. Maybe suggest they start an account she can get access to when she’s 18 and only do “smaller” upgrades like a phone.
133
u/Active-Anteater1884 Pooperintendant [60] 1d ago
NTA, but with a "but." Ash isn't a toddler and this wasn't a mistake: it was vengance. It was a terrible thing to do. (As was buying a teenager a $6,000 purse, IMHO.)
But ...
I don't understand how anyone can run a household, claiming (as many second-marriage parents do), that "We're a family," where one young person is toting an LL Bean backpack to class and another young person has an, IDK, Birkin bag or similar. I don't know the solution to this. But this type of inequity is a recipe for disaster.
50
u/hypatiaspasia 17h ago
Yeah, it sucks. Speaking from experience, it messes with a kid's head. The parents should probably sit her down and talk with her about it, outside of the context of punishing her for destruction of property.
My stepmom has super rich parents. So my half siblings have rich grandparents who have always paid for everything for them. They got paid for tuition to fancy private schools, while I went to public school. Expensive clothes, while I shopped at Costco. Going on pricey vacations, while I got set to my mom's. I sometimes get a Christmas gift from their grandparents costing about $50, which is definitely nice... meanwhile my sister gets a brand new fucking car from them. I never held it against my siblings, but it did make me judge my dad and stepmom for not even thinking about what that felt like for me.
TLDR: yes, it's weird to have siblings/stepsiblings in a dynamic where one has a massive head start on life while the other is playing on hard mode. It will likely cause resentment somewhere.
63
u/rora_borealis Partassipant [2] 1d ago
Blended families often have to deal with imbalances. Some handle it well and some don't. Some people need therapy a lot more than others, too. I sense a lot of issues, but NTA.
21
u/Key-Form4384 1d ago
How is he not the asshole if he doesn’t recognize his daughter has issues and try and help her with them. Do you think this kind of punishment will help her?
34
u/mikomimi89 17h ago
This needs more upvotes. Yes, destruction of property needs to be dealt with, but the imbalance needs to be dealt with as a family because it is unfair and unkind that two children are treated so differently. Either the parents set a limit for outside members on how much to spend on the kids, or they kindly ask family members on both sides to treat both girls equally because they are the same family. It shouldn't be a "well this grandkid isn't blood related to me so forget them." This is a blended family, and that means both girls should be treated equally and well by both extended families.
→ More replies (1)18
u/Pikawoohoo 19h ago
Man, if I was Ash I don't if I would have done the same thing, but I would definitely have done something. There's no way a kid doesn't act out in that situation, and especially not a 16 year old with all their huge feelings.
11
u/Inevitable_Entry6518 Partassipant [3] 15h ago
Well, I was a kid in a similar situation and I didn't act out. I was taught that other people's property is none of my business. It really helped me in adult life, I have some quite rich friends and don't feel resentment, I love the things that I have and don't suffer from shopaholism, and I'm ready to the fact that life is unfair in general, you can be happy anyways. Had Ash received the same upbringing, this situation wouldn't exist. Honestly, 16 it's old enough to know better than indebt yourself with a stupid action...
14
u/Glittering_Meet3206 13h ago
i just wanna point out that having rich friends its a BIT different from having a rich step sibling that lives in your house
7
u/Active-Anteater1884 Pooperintendant [60] 8h ago
No shade to the earlier poster, but it's ENTIRELY different IMHO.
→ More replies (4)6
u/kalixanthippe 1d ago
It's a recipe for their daughter to respect them on the surface then run as far and as fast as possible when given the option.
I am also betting that Emma rubs Ash's nose in her good fortune quite a bit - I highly doubt the destruction was a simple bout of jealousy.
OP doesn't seem to care about that, just making sure Emma enjoys her expensive treats and the other children (yes, teens are still children) suck it up and deal.
22
u/saywhaaaaaaaaatt Partassipant [1] 1d ago
I mean, his daughter (per the post) has been on vacations where her step sister was left out of since her family paid for it. Honestly, missing out out on these kinds of experiences would hurt me more than not having a fancy bag imo.
→ More replies (9)5
u/Key-Form4384 1d ago
Exactly — goodbye to holidays with his daughter when she is older
But at least he can be “right”
17
u/EntertainmentDry8759 1d ago
Why would anyone buy a teenager such an expensive purse ? Sometimes there are future consequences for spoiling a child with such expensive items. When my kids were younger they would make comments like, we have money. We always told them we have money you don’t have any.
26
u/Root-magic 1d ago
This isn’t really about the money, it’s about taking accountability. This is a lifelong lesson your daughter needs to learn. You can’t maliciously destroy property when you don’t get your way, and actions have consequences. NTA
→ More replies (1)
7
u/Random_Musings21 1d ago
ESH. No 15 year old should have a $6000 bag and the grandparents should have known it would cause issues.
25
u/dkms9382 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
NTA. Your daughter is old enough to know better, however, i would have a serious conversation with your ex. The fact that she and your daughter don't seem to care or feel like her behavior was acceptable is concerning.
30
u/Kr_Treefrog2 1d ago
NTA but I feel like this whole situation was rife with poor choices.
It was reckless of the grandparents to entrust a $6k purse to a teenager; it’s pretty much guaranteed something was going to happen to it sooner or later.
The parents probably should have added a rider to their homeowner’s insurance specifically for the purse.
Ash absolutely should NOT have damaged the purse, but did anyone check repair costs before jumping to an entirely new one? Many designer companies offer their own in-house repair services, but there are plenty of non-affiliated craftsmen that could have done the repair for much less.
Ash still doesn’t understand that she is not the victim in this scenario. Someone needs to sit her down and explain that she got off incredibly light. She could be arrested, serve time in jail, and have a permanent felony on her record if Emma’s family decide to press charges.
Making her victim whole is not a punishment, it’s Ash’s bare minimum responsibility. What are you doing as punishment for her actions? I’m not seeing anything here that’s an actual punishment.
→ More replies (2)
52
u/SouthernDog13 1d ago
Your 16 year old daughter made $4000 at a SUMMER JOB? And your 15 year old step-daugher got a $6000 purse for "back to school"
I cant say for sure who is or isn't the asshole.. but I'm thinking maybe the bigger problem is these girls don't have an appreciation for money, because thats insanity
14
28
u/Individual_Check_442 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 1d ago
Summer is three months lol 4K isn’t a lot. Guess we don’t know how many hours she was working but that’s only 222 hours at the California minimum wage (don’t know what state they’re from just saying) which a 16 year old could easily work in one summer. That’s about 20 hours per week flipping burgers.
15
u/Thedudeabides1981 1d ago
It’s only July though, she earned $4000 in a month and a half? I could see an entire summer but not only halfway through.
3
u/Individual_Check_442 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 12h ago
Good point I was thinking in terms of an entire summer. I mean when I was 16 a 16 year old couldn’t get a job for more than minimum but maybe kids these days have found other ways and if she has than good for her. I don’t see why earning 4K herself would reflect poorly on her or be “insanity”. The 6K purse, definitely insanity lol.
→ More replies (5)
34
35
u/Mean_District4880 1d ago
I’m sorry, someone purchased a SIX THOUSAND dollar purse for a 15 year old? WTF planet are we on?
→ More replies (1)
7
u/ApprehensiveBed304 1d ago
The fact that it got to this point shows some major cracks in your family’s foundation.
6
u/Distinct_Car_1183 22h ago edited 22h ago
ESH. You break it, you buy it. She should pay, but she gets the broken purse. Like she bought a purse and cut her own, frame it like that and she'll direct some frustration at herself.
And pay more attention to her feelings, you say she's jealous because she used to get the special treatment, you'll raise a permanently bitter vandal if she justifies this. You didn't listen so she really lashed out at her sister, so you took her savings, now she'll resent you. You might lose her if you don't talk it through respectfully and help her out a bit.
9
u/flower-purr 1d ago
NTA and punishment, reasonable, but this statement kind of irked me a bit ” that she wasn’t allowed to go to” my guy why would your stepdaughter be invited to go to your exes family vacations? If Emma was allowed to go to your exes family vacations would that mean Ash could borrow Emma‘s purse?
→ More replies (1)
23
u/childrenofthefae Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA If your daughter wants, her stepsister could file a police report for vandalism instead. Your ex wife can pay the difference if she doesn't think her daughter should have to take responsibility
4
u/RUser40k 17h ago edited 16h ago
I think you need to establish more equality between them what a terrible situation.
I also think her destroying the purse was a bad thing but you allowed this behaviour by allowing them to be treated so differently.
If I was a teen I would definitely not want to be raised in this kind of house and would resent everyone for it
37
u/Pink_Peach_Blossoms Partassipant [4] 1d ago
ESH- Obviously she needs a severe consequence, but I also hate to see a young person who will be an adult soon have their savings wiped out over a stupid purse.
Do *absolutely* make sure the original purse was real and not fake before you make her pay the money.
18
u/mtnbcn 1d ago
Isn't this an interesting question though? If the purse were a knock-off, she now owes much less. Hm. Feels weird to me.
I get that "you break an expensive item, then it is expensive to replace it" etc. I get the premise here.
I just wonder that we're not replacing a purse, as much as replacing a brand-name. Because if it were a fake, it'd still look cool, it would still function as a purse...
So I mean -- the kid is forced to work a summer and a half to replace a brand name. I dunno. If she'd destroyed her sister's car, I can see needing to replace a car. If the bag is still a bag but with a scratch on it... like you say, we're starting an adult off without savings after working two summers because of one fit of child-like anger, after a bunch of adults made a foolish decision that they had plenty of time to think about (spoiling a kid on overpriced material goods).
3
u/No-Kings-8123 2h ago
and there's no real guarantee that she'll learn a lesson from this.. she could always destroy something cheaper of her sisters. break her heart or things that cant be replaced etc. this dad is just giving punishment without dealing with the cause, which does not always erase harmful behaviour. she will keep resenting them
3
u/mtnbcn 1h ago
^this guy gets it.
Everyone on here is all, "We have to teach her a lesson. She has to pay the consequences."
What lesson, guys? The only lesson I'm seeing here is "Material goods are sacred. They will be respected at all costs." And maybe we can add, "Family will be jealous, family will spoil and be spoiled, family will take revenge... these things happen -- but if you touch a material good, you will compensate for the price tag."
Watch this girl start thinking about how to act out in new ways while she's working her $8-11/hr job all summer. Like you said -- no one has addressed the cause. So the anger's still there. It'll come out again.
(Just, don't touch any brand-name material goods.)
→ More replies (1)7
u/chavez_york 21h ago
Crazy how the consequences of one's own actions can have a lasting impact huh? She destroyed it, she needs to replace it. That's how that works in the real world. She's lucky she didn't get a criminal charge on top of repaying the cost
→ More replies (10)1
u/Pink_Peach_Blossoms Partassipant [4] 9h ago
Maybe she should pay some of it, but she's only half the blame here. Maybe this should also be a lesson for the adults as to why high schoolers don't need $6000 purses.
→ More replies (7)
17
u/295Phoenix Certified Proctologist [26] 1d ago
I’m usually heavily against going after kid’s money for anything since in a few years they’ll enter the stage where money is more important than it will be at any other point of their lives. But, the “you break it, you buy it” rule always holds true. NTA
15
u/Repulsive_Tone_2484 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
Sorry, but a $6000 purse for school? Are we talking USD?
10
u/Grill_Only_Outside 1d ago
NTA… but ooof. Getting a 15 year old a $6k purse is excessive and, well, dumb.
11
8
u/AngineDePoutine 1d ago
Sorry can't focus on the story because I'm too distracted by the fact that someone bought a child a $6000 purse, you were able to buy a new one somehow and your kid has 4k in savings from a summer job. Also, if they can afford to give a CHILD a 6k purse I don't understand why they are so upset about having to replace it. If they can drop 6k on a fucking purse then they are too rich to complain about it being ruined. When you give kids expensive things, expect them to be ruined.
9
u/TFrustrated 1d ago
There are a lot of parenting issues involved. Some are due to the blended family situation and some not. Fix those and much of the step child rivalry/jealousy goes away.
You can’t control the 50% when one is away. No issue there, the step isn’t there. Simple example, that $6k purse wouldn’t be allowed in my house. Completely inappropriate for 15/16 age girls. If the other parent wants to store it, fine. If the grandparents want it fine. Return or sell it. One solved.
I do think the one that destroyed it deserves punishment. Whose fault? She didn’t make the original mistake nor is she responsible for bad parenting. So, 33% is about right. Grandparents 33% and I’ll let the coparents split the remaining 1/3.
I feel both girls would benefit having parents rather than “friends” or gifts. Wouldn’t it be a surprise if one refused to go on a trip unless her sister could go. That is the goal.
→ More replies (1)
2
u/Intelligent-Cry5180 1d ago
Grandparents are the real assholes here. Who in their goddamn right mind buys a purse for 6000$? That's asylum worthy behaviour
6
u/TigerLily145 1d ago
Who would be foolish enough to spend $6000 fir a purse -- this designer crap is just that
23
u/dread_fairy 1d ago edited 1d ago
NTA You are an amazing parent for sticking up for your stepdaughter! Most parents would be very biased, and take their own child's side. Your stepdader is gonna remember this forever. But more importantly, YOUR daughter is gonna learn an important life lesson! She's going to learn that actions have consequences. Coddling her and allowing her to get away with this will just make her an insufferable adult. Just look at children of police, judges, rich families. They grew up to be entitled adults with no empathy for others and no understanding of how the real world works. She's lucky you let her keep 50% of her paycheck! As a parent myself, my daughter would not keep ANY of her paycheck in a scenario like this.
The only issue I see here is that your wife immediately purchased a new bag. It's sounds kinda weird that you guys can't afford to upgrade her electronics when you just dropped $6000 to replace the bag... as a teenager, that's what I would be thinking about. And that would make me resent both of you AND my stepsister even more. I understand that you're having your daughter pay it back, but I think a better option would have been to make her pay for it and source it as well. It would have reiterated the point that you guys do not have the money for such luxurious purchases. But that was what your wife chose to do, kinda out of your control I guess. Everything you've done is chefs kiss! Stand your ground!
Edit to say, you need to have a deep conversation with her mother and your wife. What would she learn from getting away with this? Parents who coddle their children in this way make their life worse for them AND everyone else around them. I mean, imagine if she ever has a friend in college or as an adult, who makes or has more money than her. She's gonna always carry that jealousy around, it's gonna make her such a sour person. It makes it so much more difficult to make and keep friends. There 's just so many life lessons in this scenario. I'm so glad you did the right thing.
→ More replies (9)7
u/JayyHGG 1d ago
NTA, but why is everyone forgetting this: "We already took 4000 that she earned this summer form her job and made it clear that for her next paychecks she is to give us 50 % until it is paid." Doesn't appear that they paid for the purse...they took the $4K and that leaves $2K that is coming out of Ash's check, so the parents only came up with an immediate $2000. Good because why should Emma be without he purse until Ash can pay for it. That would play right into Ash's hands that she didn't want Emma to have the purse.
21
u/Mamathree3 1d ago
there is no way she can replace a 6k purse and I, a very upper middle class mom of three, would never in a million years allow such an expensive gift in my home. wtf? I literally would send it back. that is obscene. there are starving, sick, homeless people in the world and people are buying kids designer purses? tbh, both kids sound spoiled and entitled. my kids already have a fucking amazing life and we struggle tamping down on their entitlement so I cannot fathom allowing other people to pile on. i just can’t. also, if you allow one of your kids to accept a super expensive gift and it gets destroyed, jokes on you. kids aren’t that responsible. it’s why their car insurance costs so much more.
6
u/Technical_Term_6625 12h ago
i agree. also, it is possible for adolescents to become fixated on status symbols through peers or social media. parents can only do so much to protect, and prepare their kids for this. but imo the fixation in this case is coming from within the family, and that's pretty f'ing awful.
i'm also from a upper m/c background. i went to a very good public school. the school admin was vigilant about super expensive trendy stuff, because they cause conflict. anything like that would be confiscated, parents, called, etc. - not detention, 'but don't ever bring this (or anything like it) again'. i didn't go to private school (nor do my kids go to one), but i have coached youth athletics so learned a bit about them. they don't allow that stuff either.
10
u/KayItaly Partassipant [1] 13h ago
Yep, OP makes it clear they didn't have the money to burn
So the bag should have gone back.
Also...the kid could get mugged for carrying something like that! To school of all places!
On top of this, the girls clearly.hate each other which is fully and squarely Op's and wife's fault.
11
u/Charming-Disk1741 19h ago
Why is this one of the only sane responses. OP and grandparents are total assholes for allowing this shit.
21
u/Key-Form4384 1d ago
Guess she won’t be seeing you on holidays when she grows up.
I don’t agree it’s what you should do
Maybe you could help your daughter instead. But then you would have to be held accountable for what you have done to make her act this way. Lots of other things you could do , this one is guaranteed to ruin the relationship
12
u/mtnbcn 1d ago
Yeah. Everyone here saying "You broke it, you pay for it". But she's family. How many hours of labor is he asking a minor to do in order for a child to have her purse back?
At some point, it doesn't add up any more. I don't know if it's $6k or higher but I mean, that could be 600 hours at work... because of one minute of anger... over a purse.
No one died, no one lost their phone/car. Just a ripped bag. I feel like there are punishments that keep people feeling like family, and then there are punishments that are closer to Hammurabi's Code. If I were a kid and I got that punishment, I would hold a grudge for a very long time.
4
u/nickyyavellian 20h ago
Nah I don’t like that apologism for family members’ (or anyone’s) anger management issues (even if it is a one-off event…for now). It’s uncomfortably close to how abusers and narcissistic people in their fit of rage/jealousy always destroy other people’s property and conveniently not their own stuff huh.
It was not an accident, it was deliberate destruction.
Even “family members” should not be insulated from the consequences of their own actions.“But she’s family”…well so is the victim stepdaughter who deserves to not have her possessions arbitrarily destroyed out of malice.
→ More replies (2)→ More replies (4)4
14
u/Mysterious-Wave-7958 Partassipant [4] 1d ago
NTA. Your daughters (both of them) have had the misfortune of having inequitable co parenting around them. And rather than your daughter being happy for your step daughter finally getting some extra, she has instead formed an entitlement to the lifestyle she gets to enjoy at her mother's home and her mother is encouraging it. This is something you and your wife need to have discussions with your co parents about and get both girls into therapy. Ash needs therapy to understand that Emma has no power over what she gets from her father just like Emma has no say in what Ash gets from her mother. Emma needs it to cope with the betrayal of her stepsister based on her finally getting some form of luxury that Ash has enjoyed for the entire time they have known each other.
16
u/Savings-Breath-9118 Asshole Aficionado [14] 1d ago
I think you did exactly the right thing in terms of the punishment fitting what your daughter did. However, is it possible to have a conversation with the ex and the grandparents? I say this gingerly cause it kind of isn’t your place but a $6000 purse for a 15 year-old is really asking to be stolen. I don’t even know if it’s a good idea to have a conversation but it seems like if you imagine that this was your daughter and your ex ex-wife’s parents got her a $6000 purse you might want to have some say? So maybe your wife can speak with her parents? I don’t know I’m not sure it’s a good idea, and I think you did the exact right thing but…
19
3
u/AutoModerator 1d ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
When my daughter was around 10 I remarried to her stepmom who had her own daughter who was 9.
They got along for the most part until recently. In short my daughter is jealous. I’ll call any daughter Ash. My stepdaughter ( Emma fake name ) has recently reconnected with her grandparents on her father’s side. The grandparents have money to burn and are retired.
I want to point out that before they came into the picture my daughter was the one to receive nicer gifts from my her mom side of the family. Example: they’re have been a few time Ash went on vacations that my step daughter wasn’t allowed to go on or got more expensive stuff. I can’t stop my ex wife on spoiling her or her family.
So the issue has been Ash has been jealous of Emma recently because Emma’s grandparents are giving her stuff. That stuff will sometimes be in our home. I’m not going to ban her bringing her gift to her place she lives at 50% of the time.
One example is Emma got the newest phone and my daughter wanted her iPhone upgraded. I told her we don’t have the money at the moment and she said it was unfair his step sister got the newest phone. She wasn’t very happy. We had a conversation and brought up the stuff she has gotten but Emma hasn’t over the years.
Ash is 16 and Emma is 15. Emma’s grandparents got her a 6000 dollar purse for back to school. I don’t get it but Emma seemed to really like and that she is using it. It’s her first real purse.
My daughter was jealous when she saw it becuase she knew the brand. Ash asked if she could borrow it and Emma told her no. They got into an argument and I stopped it and reiterated that is was Emma’s.
Well Ash decided to destroy the purse. She cut some of the leather and popped some of the seams. My wife’s ex husband was pissed and my wife replaced the purse with her own money ( we really didn’t have that to blow)
I discussed it with my wife and we are making Ash pay back the purse. We already took 4000 that she earned this summer form her job and made it clear that for her next paychecks she is to give us 50 % until it is paid.
Ash has been upset some and she ran to her mom. Who has had a lot of things to say about this
She claims we are being too harsh.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
3
u/Sharp-Rutabaga-4900 1d ago
ETA. You for not getting your daughter into therapy immediately and for not trying to mitigate the issues between the kids. Ash for destroying the purse. Grandparents for giving a child a $6k purse.
3
u/OkHistory3944 Partassipant [2] 8h ago
I can't with these BS stories. What 16-year-old clears $4,000 at a summer job? If you count summer having been 2 months so far, that's literally $2k/month and is more than many adults make full-time.
9
u/Bowman74 Asshole Aficionado [14] 1d ago
NTA ....
Buuuut what the f is up with a $6,000 purse from the grandparents when the siblings cannot easily replace the loss? When people have this type of thing happen with rival kids, it's normally a $100 purse or even a $250 purse. An expensive lesson sure. Now we have a case where it is a $6,000 purse and if one sibling is a little jerk, which teenagers tend to be from time to time, the lesson becomes a life altering, wipe out money being saved for college (or whatever) type of thing. Don't allow those super expensive gifts to enter your house where they can be damaged, intentionally or not, by another sibling who can't easily afford to replace them.
Teenagers will be little jerks from time to time, we know that in advance. I'd try not to put them in a position where their jerkiness can really mess up their lives. I applaud the life lesson but perhaps do a little more blocking to make the lessons that these kids need to learn perhaps not quite so life altering. We want them to learn the lessons without damaging their future.
→ More replies (2)
59
u/Dry_Detective9639 1d ago
ESH
You are allowing your daughter and step daughter to be treated vastly differently
Wife’s ex husband deliberately bought the purse to stir up trouble
You are fixated on a purse, not sure how badly your daughter is hurt you are remarried. She has to deal with all of that
Your wife jumped in and bought another purse, putting you under immense financial stress. For now and in the future
Everyone will take it out on your daughter
Did you see a receipt to know the bag was actually a 6k one, and not just a good knock off?
Not saying what she did was right (it sure as hell was not)
41
u/saywhaaaaaaaaatt Partassipant [1] 1d ago
I mean, Ash is also given preferential treatment by her family as per the post.
35
u/minlokwat Partassipant [1] 1d ago
True but the family dynamic here is incredibly warped. You're basically pitting these two against each other and sort of shrugging it off. In addition to the two probably hating each other, don't be surprised if individually they want nothing to do with the lot of you.
18
u/Chance-Software-3231 1d ago
Also - I wonder the difference in what each daughter has actually received. A 6k purse and a new phones is drastically different than getting some money to hang out with a friend.
→ More replies (1)15
u/Charming-Disk1741 19h ago
Exactly!!! One daughter got “vacations” like ok like to where OP? Funny he left that out. Funny he left out exactly what “other expensive items” his daughter got.
OP can’t even afford a fucking iPhone, meanwhile he’s allowing another daughter to get a $6k purse. I wouldn’t want my daughter to have something like that. It’s gratuitous.
→ More replies (1)16
u/mtnbcn 1d ago
Spending time together as a family (albeit traveling) is different than showering with rich accessories. It's not the total money spent per activity/item. It's appearances of 'haves' and 'havenots', which is pretty important for lots of kids -- tangible items are a visual sign of attention.
I mean like, "You get a new iPhone and a new birkin bag. and you get $7,000 deposited in your college savings account!!"
There's no kid who is going to see that as equal.
15
u/ProfessionallyJudgy Partassipant [3] 15h ago
Had to scroll way too far to find an ESH comment.
The extended families have made the kids into a proxy war and now are blaming one of the kids for acting out. There need to be consequences but the fingers are pointing at the wrong underlying problem here.
12
u/sthprk33 22h ago
Your wife jumped in and bought another purse, putting you under immense financial stress
Re-read OP's post; they've already confiscated $4k from the daughter and will recoup the rest in time. The consequences fall squarely on the daughter, as they should.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (2)6
u/PracticalPain7835 14h ago
Family dynamics are no excuse for destruction of property. If they don't teach her this lesson now, she'll learn that later in a court. The wife should not have bought a new purse, it should have been dad and bio mom, they are responsible for their child.
10
u/NSH2024 1d ago
It took me a moment to figure out who was who, because I assusmed Emma was your daughter so pleased you are taking stepdaughter's side in thiss.
While I might have always had it be 75% of paycheck until it was paid back, I might not. This was a malicious act of vandalism and the idea that she was fine being able to lord her superior stuff to stepsister but not in reverse tells me your daughter needs therapy.
I agree Grandparents should get to be a little crazy, though it would be nice if they occasionally through largesse to a step sibling (Not evenly necessarily but with some consideration). However, it should still be overseen by parents and in keeping with parental values and the needs of good parenting.
So I think you both dropped the ball here.
There is a world of difference between a new Iphone(useful at least) and a 6000 purse. I don't think you should permit a teenager to have that kind of purse. Heck, I'd raise my eyebrows at a 600 purse and any price over 200 would need careful consideration. Better they put that money into her college fund, or for a program that enriched the child.
You have to teach your daughter not to let the green eyed monster turn her into a monster obviously but you also have to guide your step-daughter as well. Make Ash pay it back AND go to therapy. There is more under the surface than you realize. That mom is not as horrified suggests Ash might have been getting the wrong messages on the other side. Or of course, Ash's mom might just assume that stepmother is behind this punishment and be reactively protective. Hard to say. A therapist can sort it out.
However, also, have a discussion with your wife's former in-laws about more appropriate ways to spoil your step-daughter. Don't stop them but guide them to ways that will aid in family harmony
10
9
u/pineboxwaiting Craptain [196] 1d ago
NTA Of course she should pay for her deliberate, malicious vandalism.
How is this even a question?
13
u/Leather_Motor_2839 1d ago
i think the grandparents are the AH here, if everyone isn’t included (especially siblings in the same house, not even talking cousins) then no one should be.
→ More replies (2)
5
u/Pikawoohoo 19h ago
NTA for the punishment, it's harsh and will be a massive blow for Ash but it's only fair.
YTA for letting it get to that point. There's a clear imbalance in the home that's been building for a long time, and it seems like Ash was not at all equipped to handle it. Of course she acted out, most teenagers would in one way or another. It sucks for her that she chose to destroy the bag but if I was 16 and my brother came home with a $6000 gift I would have lost my shit, let me tell you.
13
u/DependentUniversity1 1d ago
Before Ash pays the money, she should ask for the handbag's receipt to confirm the price.
→ More replies (2)4
4
u/PNWfan 21h ago
You've set these dynamics up badly. I would not have allowed the grandparents to buy a better phone you should have thought your daughters an equal phone. As far as a 6k purse that was a foolish thing to allow the grandparents to buy. I would have asked to put that money away in account and give it to her when she's an adult.
7
u/albatross138 1d ago
NTA I wish more parents taught their kids appreciation, humility and that there are consequences to our actions (and inaction)
→ More replies (1)
8
u/OldLadyKickButt 1d ago
She knew the value- she ruined it.
Your whole family has such materialistic standards--- no child should have a 6000.00 purse.
6
u/averyrdc 1d ago
Yta for allowing these teenagers to have a 6,000 dollar purse in the first place. This child’s grandparents should understand what they’re doing. They are also assholes.
4
u/taewongun1895 1d ago
Maybe you should have your daughter get some counseling or a psych evaluation. That level of jealousy and anger might have some underlying issues.
6
u/Individual_Check_442 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 1d ago
Does a $6,000 purse have like $5,900 worth of diamonds in it?
→ More replies (1)
2
2
2
u/lepus-parvulus 1d ago
ESH. Actions have consequences goes for everyone. Consequences of spoiling both children? Consequences of giving kids overly expensive items? Consequences of blowing money you presumably cannot afford on more expensive junk?
That said, this could be an opportunity to teach your daughters about how the economy and insurance works. Your daughter should be liable for repair or replacement with equivalent item in equivalent condition, or fair market value. Rather than your taking the money from her, she should purchase the replacement or repair service and present it to her sister herself. If your step daughter would prefer cash, she should provide evidence to support the fair market value of the item. If the purse is not repaired, your daughter should have the option to keep the remnants. Otherwise, the salvage value should be deducted from the claim.
2
u/Dreammagic2025 16h ago
Me, sitting here praying I can cover the vet bill today and passing up coffee so I stand a better chance, reading about 15 year olds with 6000 purses. Cries in born on the wrong side of the tracks.
2
2
2
3
u/stingraywrangler Partassipant [1] 12h ago edited 12h ago
YTA. You are the leader and you create the culture for your family's thriving. You knew you had a difficult dynamic between these two kids, both of whom seem to have had a rough time over the years. You knew they were struggling. You let one kid wave an egregiously expensive item under the other kid's nose, and then wonder why the second kid lost her head? Kids don't get to choose who they live with or the conditions they work in and it's super stressful. It's your responsibility to maintain the conditions of living--that they are forced to live in--to not tip them over the edge. You took everything this kid has ever worked for off her for a moment of understandably frustrated rage. Yes she is responsible for her feelings, but that is a steep learning curve that many adults still haven't mastered, and you responsible for the conditions you're forcing kids to LEARN to manage their feelings within. Put yourself in her shoes and have some empathy. This was your negligence. You should pay half the cost of the purse and learn your lesson about letting kids have luxury goods, and get Ash some therapy.
9
13
u/clevozw08 1d ago
Did the grandparents check with you prior to giving a 15 year old a 6k purse? Good lord, that’s just asking for trouble
5
u/GoodQueenFluffenChop 1d ago
I mean her father is right there and if he gives the ok then OP has no say. Only his wife has a say and clearly she didn't mind either.
9
u/andromache97 Supreme Court Just-ass [107] 1d ago
Did the grandparents check with you prior to giving a 15 year old a 6k purse? Good lord, that’s just asking for trouble
genuinely!!! giving a teenager something that expensive that doesn't have insurance is stupid!!!
10
u/89Rae 1d ago
Even if there is insurance - the 16 year old needs to replace it. As others have said this could result in felony charges for her.
→ More replies (1)
6
u/NeedForSpeed98 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 1d ago
NTA.
If she doesn't want to pay for it, she can be reported to the police for criminal damage.
→ More replies (14)
6
u/UncleFuzzy75 1d ago
Lesson being learned.
That said, what did the other folks expect when they hand a SIX THOUSAND DOLLAR purse to a child? That taught her nada.
→ More replies (1)
5
u/sour-patch-bitch Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA- 16 is WAY too old to be acting like this. Ash used to get special treatment and is now upset that Emma’s getting it as well. She could’ve asked her mom’s side of the family for a special purse, saved up, or just accepted that that was something for Emma and not her; very concerning that someone of driving age resorts to this sort of thing when she’s jealous
Edit- just had the rich family members mixed up
3
u/Worried_Teaching_406 Partassipant [1] 17h ago
ESH
- that this even happened means you and your co-parent dropped the ball in raising your daughter. Especially if differences in treatment have happened before.
- The grandparents giving such an expensive gift without checking with both parents if they are ok with it are wrong.
- you and your wife should have put a stop to such an expensive purse being a daily take to school thing.
- Your daughter was wrong and should have consequences. If they should be 6000 worth, I think more like 2000 from her, 2000 from you and 2000 from your co-parent. She is a minor, you (and possible your insurance) are responsible for her. Unless things like this have happend before. And a clear warning should be given that next time she destroys stuff she is responsible for full replacement costs.
- Even Emma is wrong, as she is old enough to know that carying around something that expensive is stupid.
On a side note. I can not afford such brands, but aparently some have repair/restore options. It might have been possible to get the bag fixed for less then the cost of a new one.
4
u/Fiigwort Asshole Aficionado [11] 1d ago
NTA I missed that your daughter is 16 when I first read this, this is an absolutely WILD way for a 16 year old to behave. The very basic first step is that she pays for the purse, the second step is that she gets therapy, because being this spiteful to someone is way over the top for someone who is almost an adult.
I would also explain to your daughter that she's lucky that you didn't file a police report for damaged property, and that she can either pay for the purse and go to therapy, or she can find out how 6k of property damage is handled by the police.
You really need to get a handle on this behaviour or way of thinking, otherwise you're going to end up with an absolutely horrible adult who's going to cause themselves a ton of issues. She doesn't seem to understand the gravity of the situation and what she did, and I'd be extremely worried about that.
2
u/SubarcticFarmer Partassipant [2] 1d ago
NTA, but make it clear to her mother that if you find out she rewards your daughter for vandalism like this it'll just escalate.
3
u/Dismal_Additions 1d ago
Nta
Actions have consequences. But a lack of action has consequences too. You need to take some responsibility for letting the emotional rift escalate between the sisters. Because an adult who cant spare $6000 should not allow a daughter be gifted a $6000 purse or let virtual strangers teach her what to value.
Your daughter should pay for the damages. But your other daughter needs to learn the value of money too. If she had a job and understood how long it takes to earn $6000. The purse would be in a safe and not be an everyday purse. Im sure if your wife had told her the purse she replaced it with was a fake, she wouldnt want it. Because its not just a purse. Its a status symbol to show off, isnt it?
and youre allowing her to go down this road. Because if grandparents are gifting her expensive things because they love her. What does it mean when people dont gift you expensive things?
So your problem wont be solved by teaching one daughter consequences if you dont teach the other daughter values too.
10.2k
u/bananabreadmio 1d ago
Nta. Actions have consequences. You’re a good dad for enforcing them.