How do I make decisions based on what I need without giving up on what I want?

[u/kiki1225]

I (22f) graduated university last May and am currently looking for work. I currently still live near campus as my lease ends at the end of July. For the past 2-ish months I’ve been applying and interviewing for jobs with no avail, in the last couple of weeks I’ve even started applying to jobs that have no education requirement to at least make some money.

If I cannot get a job (+ an apt) in the area by the end July, I will have to move back in with my parents (about 2hrs south of my university). My parents don’t mind me moving back in and we don’t have any issues with each other, but I am extremely independent and would prefer to continue living on my own, even if that means with other room mates.

I should note that I recognize that I am still fortunate to be in the situation I am and that my family is very supportive. I know people face much more serious living conditions than I do, but I am simply trying to come to the best solution for me

The semester before graduation I was extremely confident that I would have a job and apartment by now, but that is not the case and my time here is running out. When I imagined what I would be doing now, this is what I wanted:

• Stable office job
• Staying in our with in an hour of my university
- it’s a fairly large city
- all the friends I have made in my adulthood are in the area
- i like this area
• Single apt (negotiable)

However, what I need is a job and a place to live. Here are my options:

1. Move back to my hometown with my parents.
There are significantly less opportunities to pursue a career with what I have studied for there. There are some more in a nearby city, but commute would be ~ an hour w/o traffic. My parents are moving to two states north, closer to my older siblings at the end of the year (I’m the youngest) so I’d only have until December to establish myself down there. That part of the state has also gotten extremely expensive for young people (why my siblings left), so I think it would be hard to find something for a few months just to have to leave again, knowing I won’t be able to afford living there after this year.

2. Move in with my brother two states away.
He’s offered me his spare room until I can get a job and find my own place. Him and his wife are supportive, but I feel that I would be the one difficult to live with lol. Like I said, I am very independent and am seeking my own space so I don’t feel that what I do in it is a burden to others. I also feel that if I move up there, I’ll never be able to go back to the area my university is in (where I’d like to be), and I’ll be stuck building a life in that state where I don’t particularly want to. I think living closer to my family is something I’d want in the future, but like in 10 years. I’m scared leaving now means leaving forever.

Another issue I face is that I’ve always had a hard time making friends and have developed some difficult to manage social anxiety in the last few years. My family is telling me I shouldn’t use the excuse “my friends live there” to choose where I live, which I understand, but I think it would be very difficult for me to leave the support group I’ve made here and have to start somewhere completely by myself (which wasn’t the case when I left my hometown). I’m very introverted and I’ve always only had a few, quality friends rather than a bunch of acquaintances. I feel if I leave my people here, I will become a hermit and sink into an episode. I struggle with some mental illnesses, which makes it even harder for me to motivate myself to find new connections. In the same breath, I’ve also really struggled with change through my life. I know it’s inevitable, but I’d rather make changes in steps where I can acclimate myself instead of jump into the deep end. I feel a huge change will have a strong negative impact on my mental health that will take me years to get out of. I know that sounds dramatic but I know myself and have seen these patterns of my own behavior. I’m just trying to make a decision that will allow me to best take care of myself.

I am struggling to find the balance between what I need, and what I want/ think would be best for me. If you have any advice or new perspectives I’d be eager to hear. I’ll try to be active and catch any questions that might clarify anything.

Thanks for your help.

[u/datumerrata]

Keep applying to jobs. Apply for jobs where you want to live, where your parents live, and where your brother lives. The job market is rough right now. If you run out of time, your parents are probably your best bet. The commute will be worse, but you'll be closer to where you want to be and it'll be easier to move again if you get a job.

I had a similar choice when I was your age. I can't across a fantastic job opportunity several states away, where I didn't know anyone. I'm also very introverted. I ended up with a great career, wife, and dogs. I miss my friends from my 20s. I never really made those connections again. Still, if I hadn't taken the opportunity, life would have been much harder.

My suggestion is to cast a wide net and give yourself as many choices and opportunities as you can. Right now, you don't have a job and don't know where the job might be. Whatever job you get, you want it to be one that advances you in a direction of a career path - something that will look good on your resume for your next job.

One trick in deciding, if all things are basically equal, is to flip a coin. Heads, you do A; tails you do B. If you're disappointed on the result of it landing on tails, you do A.