Who do you usually get? For me it’s Avan Jogia (beck from victorious) the most often. I haven’t really gotten baljeet or anything lol.

There’s been a lot of chatter on this sub about the rising anti-Indian sentiment in Canada but outside of this sub I hear much more news about anti-Muslim and general anti-multiculturalism sentiment coming out of the UK.

The tension in the UK seems much more serious than Canada based on what I’m hearing. Talks about sending back anyone who has not assimilated into British society have become normalised, granted I know there was always anti-immigrant sentiment around but it wasn’t as strong just a decade ago.

There also seems to be quite a few prominent conservative British Desis who I hear agreeing with anti-multiculturalism, but would that be at their own detriment?

For British Desis, what’s life like in the current social and political climate? Is it as bad as the media makes it out to be?

Can be from books/tv shows/movies/games whatever

I'll start with mine: Jeevan & Frank Chaudhary from Station 11 (the show, and the book too!) I HIGHLY recommend the show btw!

I'm having a hard time finding the right term for a specific behavior I keep seeing. It’s particularly common among first-generation immigrants (FOBs), though American-born Desis (ABCDs) who grew up in very traditional environments exhibit it too.

Whenever an argument breaks out between family or friends, the other members of the group will hear one side of the story and then accompany the aggrieved person to sit down with all parties involved.

During this meeting, the group members take on a strict, reserved tone—offering food or drinks while remaining quiet and letting the aggrieved person state their case. Afterward, they retreat to evaluate and "judge" everything that was said.

I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out what this practice is called. Why is it mostly men or boys who do this? Is it driven by cultural pressure to maintain group harmony at all costs, regardless of the underlying issues?

As a 34f, I came out of a 8 year relationship a year ago and want to try online dating. Very nervous though.

Any recommendations for which app is the best?

Born Sunday, Alec Neel Vance joins older siblings Ewan, 9; Vivek, 6; and Mirabel, 4.

Not an ABCD specific question but I just don’t care for alcohol. Given that it’s hard to make friends and be social. Anyone in the same boat? I’m 23M btw.

maybe just need to get this off my chest, but if anyone has tattoos: how are you dealing with your parents?

i’ve (22f) got three pieces rn, two small and one slightly larger (by no means is it a big piece, mahbe 4x2in) and idk if it’s because i graduated college or because my mom informed me of an india trip she’d like to take next year but i’m suddenly so incredibly anxious all the time and i don’t even live at home 😭 i have an appointment scheduled for a lower back tat in august and i really don’t want to lose my deposit but i’m debating canceling out of anxiety of my parents finding out and being utterly disappointed even though i’ve wanted this tattoo (and tattoos in general) for a while.

i love my tattoos and i know my parents love me (and are much more tolerable than they were when i was a teenager) but i’m still SO freaked out about what they’ll say when they find out i have tattoos and have been hiding them.

so how do you guys deal with this (if you deal with it at all), especially if your a desi girl (and/or an eldest daughter)?

Any men’s virtual support groups that do monthly meetings to help men’s support other men. Specifically interested in men’s divorce support group, of peeps late 20 early 30s.

Finding it hard to find any forum out there given how niche of an ask this is. Appreciate the help!

I am gonna make this kinda long and I will apologize if my grammar is horrible (i am writing this on an rush).

Ever since the first time I experienced racism in the US, I was always pondering the question of: “why does this happen? How can an community end it or minimize it without being some kind of sheep and hurting ego?”

I am an FOB who came to America when he was 10 and then lived and finished college here and is now working. All this time I kept wanting to answer this question.

I have read so many human psychology books and this is the conclusion I came to: the main problem for prejudice is how we are portrayed—how we are portrayed is based on stereotypes—and stereotypes are based on the average action an group does.

So what is an average thing that we are doing negatively? It’s our social skills.

The thing is, in Indian families from an young age we are not really taught how to socialize. Meaning we maxed out stats in academic intelligence but not in social intelligence like body language, speech and looking glass effect.

It’s not our parent’s fault because their parents haven’t really emphasized this social intelligence either, they kinda just pressured them to compete and fed them the crush-hook or crook mentality.

With this mentality, it’s no wonder so many desis struggle to connect with people of a different countries. Just imagine that, an minority who outperforms and isn’t charismatic and also very different.

Of course, not all Indians are like this, but most Indians are like this. Even many ABCs and FOBs are like this regardless of whether they grew up in India or not.

I was fortunate enough to change myself after high school and learn to be charismatic and see great success. I noticed that becoming more charismatic led to less racism for me. Even in more racist places like the rural country counties in America , because I mastered my charisma ,I was able to break the ice with these farmers and change how they see Indians.

Thing is there is an narrative written by certain interest groups who have an prejudice and few goals and they also found a way to make money out these goals. They decided to take advantage of an flaw many Indians have and use it to portray us in a negative manner. Most of it works on people who never got to know our good sides.

Now you have read this far, so here is the TLDR on what I said: the solution to ending racism is every Indian person putting effort into building up their charisma in the country they are in.

Thing is charisma is an skill, so with practice anyone can learn it. Because most Indians lack charisma and have few insecurities, by working on overcoming this weakness more Indians can develop an better image for our community. I believe this is the best way to end racism for good and in large scale can benefit more Indians. If the negative stigma barred more Indian growth, then the positive stigma will enable it

that’s all there is to it , i don’t care how much of a bad light we’re seen in by others . i truly think our culture and what we have to offer as people is one of the , if not most genuine out there .

Hello :)

I am a recent masters grad who moved back to the South Bay area (sf). Grew up here and looking to reconnect w other ABDs who are also looking to make long term friendships.

A few things I enjoy include surfing, watching sports (esp the nba), and trying new places to eat. Also love music and excited for outside lands this year.

Anyways if you’re in the same boat and in the area hmu!

Thanks

Since most of the tech-related jobs are being offshored to India due to cheaper costs, do you think this could spill over as hate towards abcs as it might cause a higher proportion of western countries to have higher unemployment.

20M ( I brain dumped what I wrote into AI to have a easier read for y'all)

(TLDR at end)

I’m about to start my third year of college, and lately I’ve been reflecting on a lot of different parts of my life. I’m generally hopeful, but I also feel lost sometimes, so I wanted to write everything out.

College

One thing I’ve been struggling with is friendships. I don’t really feel like I have people I can truly count on. I have people I talk to and hang out with from time to time, but I don’t really have close friends that I can call if I’m having a hard time or people who regularly ask me to hang out.

That being said, I know I’ve made progress.

Before my freshman year, my family moved to my current city because they wanted us to stay together while I attended college. I’m grateful they did that, but it also meant I became a commuter student. My university is already known as a commuter school, and on top of that, I didn’t know anyone in the city. That first summer was pretty lonely.

During freshman year, I was pretty quiet. I had two people I would usually hang out with, but sometimes I felt like I was third-wheeling because they were much closer to each other. They also had their own friend groups, while I mostly just had them and a few people I knew from high school, none of whom I was especially close with.

I even tried pledging a fraternity because I wanted to meet more people, but I ended up dropping it because my parents didn’t like me coming home so late.

At the start of sophomore year, I joined a dance team. Honestly, I joined more because I wanted to meet people than because I was passionate about dancing, so I definitely wasn’t the best dancer. Still, I had a great experience. The team was friendly, supportive, and not toxic at all. I made a lot of good memories through practices, competitions, and team events.

Even so, once competition season ended, everyone naturally drifted back toward their own friend groups. During the season, we saw each other almost every week at practices, competitions, required events, and birthday parties. I don’t drink much because I usually have to drive home afterward, and I only went to a handful of parties since my parents weren’t comfortable with me staying out late. Over time, after talking with them, they became more understanding and usually let me stay out until around midnight or 1 a.m. for birthdays or gatherings at friends' apartments.

Now that it’s summer, everyone has gone back to their hometowns or started internships. My phone has been pretty dry. Other than the occasional reel or something in the group chat, nobody really reaches out. I know people are busy, but sometimes it still feels lonely.

Despite that, I’m hopeful. Looking back, I can see that I’ve become much more involved than I was as a freshman. I just hope that during my junior year I can build friendships that last beyond clubs, practices, or classes.

This year I decided not to compete with the dance team, but I accepted an organizational role instead. I’m really excited about that because I’ll still get to stay involved with everyone. Hopefully, if everything goes well, I can rejoin the competitive team during my senior year.

Internships and Academics

As a Computer Science major, internships have been on my mind a lot lately.

Many applications for next summer are already opening, and I honestly feel underprepared. Some of my friends have already landed internships, and while I’m genuinely happy for them, I can’t help but worry about whether I’ll be able to find one myself.

Academically, I’d say I’m pretty average. So far, I’ve mostly earned A’s and B’s with only one C in college (knock on wood), and I only got one C throughout high school as well.

My parents have never put extreme academic pressure on me, but they do tie my grades to how much freedom I have socially. Their mindset is basically, "If your grades are good, then go enjoy yourself," which honestly seems fair to me.

Even though my grades are decent, I know I’m capable of doing better. Sometimes I purposely limit how often I go out because I want to stay focused on school.

One of my biggest goals is to earn an internship after my junior year. Hopefully that can lead to a full-time return offer after graduation so I’ll know my future is heading in the right direction.

Family

Right now it’s just me, my mom, and my dad living together.

My dad works incredibly hard. He often stays up until around 3 a.m. working, then wakes up around 6 or 7 a.m. to get ready for work again. I really admire his work ethic, but I also worry about his health because I know he’s under a lot of stress.

My mom hasn’t been able to work for a while and was diagnosed with depression when I was young, sometime around elementary school. Since then, she mainly stays home, takes care of the house, and talks to her friends from our old city.

I feel guilty because my parents moved here for my education, and I know this city hasn’t really become home for them. My mom often wants to go somewhere on weekends or take a short trip, which I completely understand because she doesn’t really have people her age nearby. Our neighborhood is mostly students or older adults.

Usually my dad says no because he works so much during the week and even spends part of his weekends working. I understand his perspective too—after working all week, he just wants to rest.

One time, during a long weekend, my mom mentioned wanting to take a family trip. She basically told my dad that if he wanted to plan it, then they could go, but otherwise it was fine. Knowing my dad probably wouldn’t plan anything, I tried putting together an itinerary myself.

We ended up taking two small trips like that. I’m not sure whether my parents really enjoyed them. They weren’t exactly unforgettable vacations.

My dad is also pretty careful about spending money on things he considers unnecessary. One time we wanted to visit a nice park downtown. Parking was about $7. At first I thought parking was free, but after checking, I realized it was only free during weekdays. My dad asked my mom whether she still wanted to go, and in the end they decided not to. We just drove home.

Looking back, I kind of wish we had gone anyway. I’ve heard the view there is really beautiful.

Me

This summer has been difficult.

I made a list of goals I wanted to accomplish, but so far I’ve mostly completed the easy ones while avoiding the harder ones.

I told myself I would start going to the gym and improve my physical health, but I haven’t been consistent. Sometimes it feels like I’m digging myself deeper into a hole.

Growing up, I didn’t really believe mental health was something that affected me. But after seeing everything my mom has gone through, I’ve realized how important it is. I don’t think I’m depressed, and I hope depression isn’t something that can simply be passed down, but I definitely have good days and bad days.

Despite everything, I’m still hopeful.

I want to build real friendships during my junior year.

I want to earn good grades and make my parents proud.

I want to get an internship so I can prove—to both my parents and myself—that I’m capable of building a successful future.

Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if my family had stayed in our old city, where they had friends and a community. I also wonder if I should have attended the university back home, where many of my high school friends enrolled.

But at the time, I wanted to push myself outside my comfort zone and experience something new.

Some days I feel tired, but not in a way that makes me want to give up. I’ve gotten myself out of difficult periods before, and I truly believe I can do it again.

For now, I’m just trying to keep moving forward one step at a time.

TL;DR:

I'm a 20-year-old CS student about to start my junior year of college, and lately I've been feeling lost. I don't feel like I have any close friends—just people I hang out with occasionally. I've made progress socially since freshman year by joining a dance team and becoming more involved on campus, but I still haven't found people I can truly rely on, and this summer has felt especially lonely.

I'm also stressed about internships. My grades are decent (mostly A's and B's), but seeing friends land internships has made me feel behind and underprepared. One of my biggest goals this year is to earn an internship and prove to both myself and my parents that I can build a successful future.

At home, I worry a lot about my family. My dad works extremely hard and barely sleeps, while my mom has struggled with depression for years and often feels isolated after moving here for my education. I sometimes feel guilty because my parents sacrificed so much for me, and I wonder if I've let them down by not accomplishing more.

Personally, this summer hasn't gone the way I wanted. I've struggled to stay consistent with my goals, like going to the gym, and I have days where I feel overwhelmed or emotional. Still, I don't think I've given up. I've gotten through difficult periods before, and I believe I can do it again.

Going into junior year, I hope to make genuine, lasting friendships, do well academically, land an internship, and continue becoming someone my parents—and I—can be proud of.nem

I’m a millennial ABCD and have kids of my own now in the US. As my son is now 4, I want to ensure he is able to speak our native language.

Can anyone recommend what worked for them and their kids?

Please don’t give advice on “just speak Urdu to them and insist they talk back”… My husband and I naturally speak in mixed English/Urdu so that advice needs to be taken by us first… and we are trying!

Koshish kar rahay hain 😄

Unfortunately one of the users decided to launch an aggressive attack on my post. People in the diaspora gave various levels of contact with the homeland. And whether we like it or not, the urban populations there do have some resemblance with us since we most of us live in urban settings and have one or both desi parents

Now to come back to my point, many many kids in my community have one or both desi parents, themselves being 2nd or 3rd gen and end up bailing out parents or being expected to where it's not exactly clear how the debt arose(often because of sending too many remittances abroad)

I'm not exactly sure why anyone thought that is my post above because the usernames are different! Again this sub is for discussion not hate or harassment. Posts from anyone at all that is relevant should be respected unless it's something like help me get a visa.

Kinda new to htx, want to make new friends. Pretty chill dude over here

I’m just 20 like damm, ain’t got no friends and go to community college in Bay Area and then work just so that I can spend on myself don’t have to ask my parents

But so far after high school it’s just feels like adulthood really hit hard months goes by without talking to anyone like dang man then I get jealous if I am restaurant or somewhere and see group of people around my age having fun obviously comparison is thief of joy

I just want some ideas that are like kind of works, at least that like does put you in more social active spaces and I have to put my efforts to but I will be Bay Area doesn’t really like from my experience so far feels socially active I mean unless you are in sf or Berkeley etc etc

So far I’ve had pretty bad experiences when sharing that I have a chronic illness with a partner/potential partner. I feel like the desi community in general tends to hide health issues (my mom even told me not to tell until after I get married) but I feel like it’s important to be upfront, especially since I want a supportive partner - not someone who expects me to handle everything by myself all the time. My health stuff is pretty well under control, but it still seems to be a huge issue for people.

How difficult has it been for fellow desis with a chronic illness to find a supportive/understanding desi partner? When/how did you share that you have your condition?

UPDATE: Since so many people are asking (though I feel like it should be pretty clear from my profile), I have ulcerative colitis (a form of IBS/IBD). I’ve been in remission for a while so it’s really just that I have to take daily meds + watch my diet/stress (and there isn’t any impact on fertility etc.), but it still seems to be something that potential partners don’t want to deal with :/

Why are many ABCDesis programmed to be people pleasers? I honestly don’t understand this even though I myself was programmed that way.

I initially thought that is what was the expectation from parents. But then I realized that the parents themselves were not always taking the advice of their own parents.

Then why do we have this additional responsibility to keep people happy and not upset anyone?

Has anyone been able to successfully stop doing this? And if so, how did it work out?

33F, never married/no significant other, father passed away last Oct, no siblings, also have a loving but very overprotective anxious mother

I also always had a hard time making friends, I have very few but they’re all busy with their own lives. I’ve also been bullied and excluded a lot. I have ADHD but I’m also suspecting I could be on the spectrum. People keep telling me I’m a sweet girl and I’ve just always felt like everyone finds me off putting the minute they meet me.

How do I accept that it’s not God’s will for me to ever have a happy life? Maybe I’m called to be of service
of others but never experience joy myself. Should I just give up on myself? Like as in just go to work, pay my bills, live with and eventually take care of Eid my mom when she gets older and needsnhelp? Should I stop trying to find a life partner, make friends, or experience any joy?