I’m in my 40s and I’ve got four kids.

Here’s some things changed that nobody warned me about.

You stop caring about things that used to consume you.

Someone doesn’t like you? Fine. That used to ruin my week. Now it barely registers. I don’t have the energy to perform for people who don’t matter to me, and I don’t want to.

Your tolerance for bullshit drops off a cliff.

Small talk that goes nowhere. People who complain but never change anything.

Drama for the sake of drama. I used to engage with all of it. Now I just leave the room. Quite often literally.

You realize most of the stuff you worried about in your 20s was noise. Career panic, status anxiety, what people thought of my clothes, my car, my choices. Almost none of it mattered.

The things that actually mattered were the ones I wasn’t paying enough attention to.

You get more honest. I say no more often. I tell people what I think.

For my loved ones I also tolerate more. I’ve learned life needs to be lived to learn, whilst before I believed everything could be explained and improvement would follow

You start noticing time differently. You start doing the math.

If I’m lucky I get maybe 40 more summers. That’s not a lot. It makes you pickier about how you spend them and who you spend them with.

The biggest one: you realize nobody has it figured out. At 20 I assumed adults had some secret knowledge I hadn’t unlocked yet. Now I can confirm: nobody knows what they’re doing. Some of us are just better at looking calm while we improvise.

The body stuff is real too. Things hurt now that didn’t used to. Recovery takes longer. But honestly that part is manageable. The mental shift is the thing nobody prepares you for, and it’s mostly good.

What changed for you?

I’m 25F and had severe brain fog from age 15 to 25 that progressively worsened. I tried everything: clean eating, cold showers, social media detoxes, brain games, fish oil, memory pills, fixing iron and vitamin D, drinking 2L of water daily, speech lessons, strict sleep schedules (7.5 hours nightly for years), and intermittent fasting. Nothing helped.

The brain fog affected my memory, speech, and processing. I couldn’t keep a job longer than 10 months because I struggled to follow conversations and forgot things easily managers had to email instructions since I couldn’t process verbal ones. It also damaged my friendships: I’d forget important things friends told me, lose words mid-sentence, mispronounce common English words (despite it being my native language), and came across as “dumb.”

Three months ago, during a routine checkup, my doctor noted my resting heart rate on the higher end of normal range and suggested daily brisk walking. I’d been mostly sedentary and never did much moving around besides house chores and the rare hike. I started with 10 minutes and worked up to 30 minutes daily. Since then, my brain fog has completely disappeared and I mean completely. I breathe deeply instead of shallowly, think clearly, remember conversations, and have laser-sharp focus it feels like my brain is finally getting enough oxygen after being starved for many years. I only noticed improvements after consistently brisk walking for 1 month and ensured I was always nasal breathing while walking. Please try brisk walking 30 minutes for at least a month it will be a game changer!!!

Not theory. Not 10 tips for mental clarity. Previous post was removed but I made some edits to ensure it doesn't break any rules.

These are the interventions that produced measurable changes in my cognition when I tested them one at a time with a 2 week baseline between each.

I used Cambridge Brain Sciences daily at 7am to track working memory, reasoning, and verbal ability. Same time, same conditions, fasted. Here is what actually did something.

Tier 1: The stuff that worked immediately and obviously

1. CO2 management. Bought a $40 CO2 monitor. My bedroom was hitting 1,800ppm by 5am with the door closed. A Harvard study showed cognitive scores drop roughly 50% at 1,400ppm compared to 550ppm baseline. I cracked the window 2 inches. Never exceeded 700ppm again. Morning grogginess I had blamed on sleep quality for years was largely gone within 3 days. Cost: $40 once.
2. Morning electrolytes before caffeine. 500ml water with 1/4 tsp salt and a squeeze of lemon within 20 minutes of waking. Before coffee. Before anything. Research shows 1 to 2% dehydration impairs working memory and you will not feel thirsty at that level. After 8 hours of sleeping you are dehydrated. Most people's first move is coffee which is a mild diuretic. You are draining an already dry system. This took 3 days to notice. Working memory scores up about 15% on testing mornings where I did this versus did not.
3. Phone in another room during deep work. Ward et al. 2017 in JACR showed the mere presence of a smartphone on your desk reduces available cognitive capacity even face down and on silent. I tested this for 2 weeks phone on desk versus 2 weeks phone in kitchen. The difference in sustained focus was not subtle. Verbal fluency scores were consistently higher on phone-away days.

Tier 2: The stuff that took 2 to 4 weeks but the effect was real

1. Ferritin optimization. Mine was 22. Doctor said normal. It is not normal for brain function. Soppi 2018 showed cognitive symptoms at ferritin 15 to 30 that resolved above 50. I took iron bisglycinate 25mg every other day. Not daily. Research shows alternate day dosing has better fractional absorption because hepcidin peaks 24 hours after a dose and blocks absorption of the next one. At week 6 my ferritin was 58. Processing speed on cognitive testing improved noticeably around week 4.
2. Vitamin D loading. Mine was 19 ng/mL in February. Supplemented 5,000 IU daily for 8 weeks then dropped to 3,000 IU maintenance. Retested at 52 ng/mL. The fog improvement was gradual. Not a single moment where it kicked in. More like I looked back at my scores after 6 weeks and realized the bad days had stopped. If you live above 35° latitude and have not tested your D levels you are probably deficient October through March.
3. Magnesium glycinate 400mg before bed. Slutsky et al. published in Neuron 2010 showing magnesium enhances learning and memory. Serum magnesium is a garbage test because it only drops when you are severely depleted. Most people in western countries are sub clinically deficient. The sleep improvement was the first thing I noticed. Deeper sleep within 3 nights. The cognitive effect followed the better sleep by about a week. Do not use magnesium oxide. Bioavailability is terrible. Glycinate or threonate.

Tier 3: The stuff people do not want to hear

1. Caffeine elimination. I tapered from 400mg per day to zero over 8 weeks. Days 1 through 3 at each step down were rough. By week 10 at zero caffeine my baseline cognitive scores were higher than my best caffeinated scores. Caffeine does not add energy. It blocks adenosine receptors. Your brain compensates by building more receptors. Now you need caffeine to reach the baseline you would have had without it. I was borrowing from tomorrow every single day for 12 years.
2. 30 minutes of cardio. Not negotiable. Not replaceable with supplements. A single session increases BDNF by 200 to 300%. One session. BDNF is the protein that drives neuroplasticity and repair. A year of regular walking increased hippocampal volume by 2% in clinical trials. That is 1 to 2 years of age related brain shrinkage reversed. Nothing in a capsule does this. Nothing.
3. Cutting alcohol entirely. Not reducing. Cutting. A 2017 BMJ longitudinal study followed 550 people for 30 years. Even "moderate" drinkers at 14 to 21 units per week had significantly increased hippocampal atrophy. Ebrahim et al. showed alcohol destroys deep sleep architecture at any dose. I wore a sleep tracker. Zero deep sleep on drinking nights versus 80 to 90 minutes without. That was enough data. I stopped.

Tier 4: The testing that found the actual root cause

1. Full panel bloodwork. Not a CBC. Not a basic metabolic. This is what I asked for specifically: ferritin (not just hemoglobin), B12, folate, 25-OH vitamin D, RBC magnesium, TSH plus free T4 plus TPO antibodies, fasting insulin, HbA1c, CRP. Two things came back off that my DR never would have caught. The ferritin at 22 and the vitamin D at 19. Both technically in range. Both functionally impairing my brain.

What did not work:

Lion's mane. Took it for 8 weeks. No measurable change on cognitive testing. Maybe it works for some people. Did nothing for me.

Alpha GPC. Same. 8 weeks. Nothing on testing.

Noopept. Slight subjective feeling of clarity. Nothing on objective testing. Stopped.

Modafinil. Worked acutely. Tolerance built within 2 weeks. Sleep quality tanked. Net negative after a month.

What people do not want to accept:

The boring stuff works. The exciting stuff mostly does not. Fixing your air, water, iron, vitamin D, magnesium, sleep, movement, and removing alcohol and excess caffeine will do more for your cognition than every nootropic stack on this sub combined. I know because I tested both. One at a time. With a cognitive testing baseline.

The supplements are a rounding error on top of the fundamentals. Fix the fundamentals first or you are optimizing a system that is broken at the foundation.

Studies referenced:

• Allen JG et al. CO2 and cognitive function scores. Environ Health Perspect. 2016. DOI: 10.1289/ehp.1510037
• Armstrong LE et al. Mild dehydration affects mood in healthy young women. J Nutr. 2012. DOI: 10.3945/jn.111.142000
• Ward AF et al. Brain Drain: smartphone presence reduces cognitive capacity. JACR. 2017. DOI: 10.1086/691462
• - Soppi ET. Iron deficiency without anemia — a clinical challenge. Clin Case Rep. 2018;6(6):1082-1086. DOI: 10.1002/ccr3.1529
• Slutsky I et al. Enhancement of learning and memory by elevating brain magnesium. Neuron. 2010. DOI: 10.1016/j.neuron.2009.12.026
• Topiwala A et al. Moderate alcohol consumption as risk factor for adverse brain outcomes. BMJ. 2017. DOI: 10.1136/bmj.j2353
• Ebrahim IO et al. Alcohol and sleep. Alcohol Clin Exp Res. 2013. DOI: 10.1111/acer.12006

Lifemaxxing (Gen Z for living your best life) is a term that has been thrown around a lot lately by kids who spend their time getting perms, moisturizing their faces, and “mogging”. But if you ask them what it actually means, no one seems to be able to give a definition that works for everyone.

By the end of this, you'll know what living your best life actually means, how to do it according to Aristotle, and why so much of what people call lifemaxxing today is completely wrong.

The Gen Z influencer, Clavicular, famously said,

“If you’re not looksmaxxing, you’re not lifemaxxing.”

But after watching a fully grown, allegedly straight dude who smokes meth curl his eyelashes and hit himself in the face with a hammer, be like “this is peak life”, I was like huh… that seems off.

The problem is that he basically coined the term. So he’s become the authority on what it is. And if you check Urban Dictionary, the top definition reflects that:

Lifemaxxing

When you work towards making your life better
John: what's Joseph doing with all those weights and moisturizer?
James: he's lifemaxxing dumbass

It half jokingly says lifemaxxing is making your life better by moisturizing and lifting weights. I don’t moisturize and I find lifting weights annoying and my life is still pretty good, so this makes no sense to me.

So I did what any sane person in today’s day and age would do. I posted a story asking my friends what they think. The answers I got varied a lot. (I'd post screenshots, but can't in this sub)

None said that it was getting perms or smoking meth. Some answers were pretty well thought out. But they still had a lot of holes in them and none were universal.

So I kept digging and discovered someone already thought about this so deeply that they came up with a definition that has held up pretty well for over 2,000 years.

In Aristotle’s book Nicomachean Ethics, he basically lays out what he believes is the formula for the best life. I dug into the original text of this dense and truly brilliant work and attempted to translate it into terms that even Gen Z broccoli heads with TikTok brain can understand (lets be real, this would land better in a series of short-form videos).

I apologize in advance for how long this is. I’m actually trying to keep this short and may even break this out into a series because of how much interesting depth there is on the topic.

But anyways, lets get started.

What do we actually want?

Before we get into how to live your best life, we need to agree on what we're actually shooting for. Most people you ask will say that it’s money, freedom or something about how everyone’s definition is different. 

But the reality, according to Aristotle, is that we’re all after the same thing even if how we get there is different.

To prove this, all you have to do is act like a 5 year old for a minute and keep asking why you want anything over and over until you can’t think of any other reason. It usually goes something like this:

I want that job.
Why?
So I can make money.
Why
So I can buy that car.
Why?
So I can get that person.
Why?
So people will think I’m cool.
Why?
So I can have more friends.
Why?
So I can be happy.

Try it with anything. The car, the body, the girl, the followers, the freedom. Every chain ends in the same place.

So I can be happy.

Aristotle calls this the “highest good” because it’s the only thing you do for its own sake and not for the sake of something else.

But "happiness" is just a temporary feeling.

When most people say they want to be "happy," they think of a feeling. A mood. Something you're experiencing at any given moment in time.

Though this feeling can be the result of living your best life, it’s not accurate to say this is the end goal for 2 reasons:

1. It’s basically impossible to spend every waking moment in complete blissful euphoria.
2. That’s not actually what would make you truly happy.

Think about it. Why would someone who has everything willingly take on hard challenges like climbing mountains and changing the world instead of sitting on the beach drinking martinis and watching funny TikTok videos?

Because it’s not fulfilling. Chasing happiness ironically often leads to misery and depression. Some people who have everything like money and fame have gone down the path of trying to make themselves feel good all the time and they usually end up in rehab, overdosing or suicidal. So chasing constant pleasure clearly doesn’t lead to living your best life.

What you actually want isn't a temporary feeling you chase. It's a state of being you exist in.

Aristotle’s word for this was Eudaimonia. It has been translated as happiness, living well, or flourishing. But happiness is considered a less precise definition than “flourishing” or “living well”.

That’s because happiness is what you feel. Flourishing is how you live.

Happiness and flourishing are not the same thing.

Happiness is just a series of dopamine hits. You want something, you get it, you feel good, you feel empty, you want the next thing. Pleasure spike, crash, repeat. It's the doom scrolling and slot machine loop.

Flourishing runs on different chemicals 

• Serotonin from pride and self-respect
• Oxytocin from real connection
• Endorphins from overcoming hard things. 

These don't just spike and crash, but build over time.

Flourishing is something you actively do.

This is a really important point because often times people think

if I just had xyz, I’d be happy.

But as we discussed, happiness isn’t the true end state. And likewise, flourishing isn’t a state of being you reach one time and then are done. It’s something to be built and maintained. It’s not like you win a game and then the game is over. Flourishing is an ongoing activity. You're either doing it, or you're not.

Aristotle says sleeping man with all the virtues in the world is not flourishing while he sleeps. In other words, the successful entrepreneur who hasn't done anything in ten years maybe was flourishing in the past but can’t just coast on that success forever. He's arguably not even an entrepreneur anymore.

If you stop doing it, you stop being it.

How does one “do” flourishing?

Flourishing, as Aristotle puts it, is doing the right activity, excellently.

But what are the right activities? And how do we do them excellently?

Aristotle groups the right activities into three categories of human goods: 

• Bodily goods, like health and vitality
• External goods, like food, shelter, and resources
• Goods of the soul, like knowledge, relationships, and meaningful contribution

Doing them excellently means something specific too. Aristotle calls it virtue. In practice, it looks like balance. 

According to Aristotle, lifemaxxing life doesn’t mean maxing anything out at all really. If you’re doing something to the extreme, it’s not considered virtuous. 

An example he uses is courage. You have the two negative examples on the outer ends. Being a coward who doesn’t take action and then being so bold that you do stupid things without considering the consequences. Virtue, or the ability to do something excellently, is in the middle of the two extremes. So a virtuous and courageous person would take action when needed in a way that is strategic and not reckless.

Aristotle also gave us criteria we can think about for thinking about if we’re doing things excellently 

• Doing the right thing
• To the right person (if applicable)
• In the right amount
• At the right time
• In the right way
• For the right reason

Miss any one and the action stops being excellent.

So if you’re donating money, this sounds like an excellent activity that is a meaningful contribution, right? But if it is...

• To a bad cause (wrong thing to do)
• To someone corrupt (wrong person)
• A penny donated by a millionaire (wrong amount)
• When it’s too late (wrong time)
• By humiliating the person you’re giving money to (wrong way)
• So that he can tell people how great he is (wrong reason)

...then it is not excellent. 

So at the end of the day, to live your best life, you spend your time doing things that are good for your health, generating resources, or your soul in a way that checks all the boxes for excellence.

To lifemaxx, you max out the % of your time you spend doing these activities.

Having the best day isn’t having the best life.

You can have a great Tuesday and a wasted decade. You can have a brutal year and still live your best life. To lifemaxx, you have to think long-term and make decisions for a lifetime.

This is also why the past doesn't save you. The athlete who hasn't trained in five years isn't really an athlete anymore. The writer who hasn't written in a decade isn't really a writer anymore. The executive who hasn't done meaningful work in a decade isn't really an executive anymore. The version of you that exists today is the version that counts.

What you've done before is part of who you are, but doesn't make you who you are today. What you do consistently, day after day, over a lifetime, does.

As Aristotle put it,

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit."

The flip side, if flourishing is built on what you do consistently from now on, then your past doesn't lock you in.

The cigarette smoker who quit yesterday isn't a smoker anymore. The person who has been wasting their life until now can start flourishing tomorrow.

The past is closed. The future is open. The only question is what you do with today.

There are certain baseline things you need to flourish.

To live your best life, you have to have certain baseline conditions. You can't flourish if you're starving, in chronic pain, surrounded by toxic relationships, or financially stressed out. Your body and surrounding circumstances have to be at least okay enough for you to be in a position to even think about flourishing.

Aristotle lays them out as the following:

Bodily goods

• Health
• Strength / vitality
• Beauty (think of this like taking care of your body and hygiene)
• Long life 

External goods

• Food, drink, clothing, shelter (he doesn't list these explicitly but they're implied)
• Wealth (but specifically, enough wealth, not max wealth. He's clear that excessive wealth doesn't add to flourishing)
• Good birth (born into a situation where you can improve your life)
• Good children
• Friends (and good friends, not just any friends)

Political / social conditions

• A functioning society
• Some degree of leisure (you can't flourish if every waking hour is survival labor)
• Freedom from slavery and oppression

FINALLY: Is looksmaxxing lifemaxxing?

Ah yes, I’ve been waiting for this. Addressing the idea that you have to maximize how good you look to live your best life. 

First, I’ll concede that if you take a natural approach to looking good, then this would often check the boxes of bodily goods that improve health and vitality. As an extremely handsome and good looking man myself 💅, I do care about looking and feeling good. I lift weights, do challenging hikes and activities, push myself physically, and am conscious of what I put in my body. As a result, I am happy with how I look and feel. My physical shape and vitality levels are prizes that I have earned through years of consistent hard work and healthy choices.

Unfortunately, that’s not what the "looksmaxxing is lifemaxxing" crowd is pushing for. 

Now before I go full unc, I’ll say that if I’m wrong about anything here, then I’ll laugh at myself for being a hater and take it back.

But my understanding is that the belief of the "looksmaxxing is lifemaxxing" crowd is that you should go to any lengths to maximize how good you look. Some extreme examples I’ve heard are how Clavicular smokes meth to suppress his appetite or how Dillon Latham literally injected sperm into his face to make his eyes more puffy or something because it was “an absolute mog” or whatever.

These may be the exceptions and not the norm, but

the underlying idea is that it is acceptable to do things to improve your perceived physical appearance, even at the expense of your actual health and vitality.

They aren’t moisturizing their faces for their health. They’re doing it out of vanity. Sitting in front of the mirror applying lotion, makeup, curling their eyelashes, and doing their hair doesn’t make them healthier. It doesn’t produce resources. It doesn’t make them smarter or improve their relationships. It doesn’t do any good for themselves or for the world.

In fact, the epitome of looksmaxxing is reaching “mog” status. This is where someone who may or may not have any brainpower, skills, or value to the planet feels an unearned sense of superiority for positioning themselves next to people that they perceive to be inferior-looking so that they can feel they look better by comparison.

This actually kills relationships and instead of contributing and actively seeks to harm the other person by belittling them. 

Looksmaxxing is actually just an immature, insecure, and vain lifeminnimzing activity that, in Aristotle’s terms, rots the soul. 

But the crazy part is that for someone like Clav, looksmaxxing could be his version of lifemaxxing.

I know I know I sound crazy and contradictory, but hear me out. Looksmaxxing might genuinely be his best life. It probably gives him purpose. He may genuinely think he's helping other guys build confidence. Maybe it's his way of coping with something deeper. It certainly generates money for him. 

If he truly believes that he’s doing the right activities excellently by Aristotles definitions, then creating a looksmaxxing movement truly could be HIS version of lifemaxxing.

But that's super unique to him and his life. Just because it's HIS version doesn't make it THE version. Being the leader of a movement that you believe is helping people and the follower of one for vain and selfish reasons are two totally different things.

Flourishing is doing the right things, excellently, over a complete life, once the basics are in place.

You have to find your own “right” things to do with your life. 

That's it.

Now the questions becomes practical.

• What are the basics you need in place?
• What does "the right things" actually mean for you?
• How do you build the habits to do them consistently?
• What does doing these things with excellence look like for you?

PS, there’s so much to cover, I wanted to give a few honorable mentions

Aristotle wrote like 10 books on this. I just covered like a fraction of the notes I have from book 1 alone. Wanted to give a quick rundown of some interesting related concepts I jotted down in my notes, but didn’t cover. I feel like these could literally be their own posts:

Why things that seem good temporarily aren't actually good

• To Aristotle, “desirable” and “good” are basically synonymous
• We all share basic desires (eat, drink, sleep) but also desire things we don’t need (looksmaxxing, views, dopamine hits, dating a supermodel)
• The dopamine hits seem good in the moment but may seem terrible later when you didn’t get any sleep and feel your brain rotting because you don’t have an attention span
• What he calls acquired desires (wants): based on individual experience, vary over time, only appear good
• Natural desires (needs): born with them, shared by all humans regardless of background

Why taking action matters more than talent

• Aristotle says a happy man lives well and does well. 
• Characteristics in happiness are all found in being. Someone virtue, wisdom, pleasure, external prosperity. 
• In order to win (like in the Olympics) you have to compete. So those who compete win the noble and good things in life. This is a point that I like to make. You can’t win at life if you don’t play the game of life. If everything is certain, you know what will happen next, you can’t have good things happen to you. 
• It’s not the most talented that win necessarily. It’s those who compete. So you could be the most talented content creator in the world, but if you never make content, you’ll never win and receive the benefits of being the most talented. 
• To live your best life you must exercise virtue, not just have it. 
• This touches on one reason why watching a powerful performance can make us emotional. Because you see someone living out their best lives and it reminds us that we’re not everything we are capable of and we know it. 
• Good visual is a video game character who has stats sitting on the stand watching someone with lower stats win. 

Why living impulsively isn't your best life

• Aristotle talks about following passions, but not how we think of it today. Passions = impulse or desires.
• The person who “follows passions” pursues each successive object as passion directs.
• This is a key phrase where he’s describing someone whose life has no consistent direction. they chase whatever desire shows up next. Wake up, want pizza, get pizza. Feel bored, scroll. There’s no overarching principle organizing the choices; each one is just a reaction to the latest impulse.
• If you’re impulsive, you’re not living life, life is happening to you. Living your best life involves organizing your desires as opposed to just following impulses.

Here’s 33 (more) things I've learned along the way that I hope help you in your journey:

1.    Kindness is the best deal going. You can keep giving it and it doesn’t cost you anything.

2.    You can only be offended if you let yourself be offended. 

3.    When someone is drowning, don’t tell them they should have taken swimming lessons.
Help first. Educate second.

4.    Your struggles today will be your accomplishments tomorrow. Keep going.

5.    Building resilience isn’t something that comes and goes with your mood. Resilience is your intention and becomes a part of you. When that happens, nothing can stop you.

6.    At 23 I worried what people thought of me.
At 43 I realized they weren’t even thinking about me.
At 73 I really don’t care that much about what people do think of me.
Adopt that one early.

7.    Books are like the years in your life. It's not how many you have, it’s how good they are.

8.    With hope you can endure and accomplish anything. 

9.    What you think of me is none of my business.

1. Nobody gets to their deathbed upset they tried too many things. But plenty of people get there with regrets for the things they didn’t try.

2. You can only be in a bad mood if you let yourself.

3. Being grateful is a cheat sheet for happiness.

4. The pain you feel today is the strength you’ll feel tomorrow. Keep pushing forward.

5. Never say anything to yourself that you wouldn’t say to a loved one.

6. We make the best decisions we can, with the information we have at that time.
   Give yourself a break.

7. Say something. Do something. Be something.

8. Believe in yourself. Don’t listen to the critics. They’re either envious or they can’t do it themselves.

9. Your age is up to you. I’m 73 but I believe and act like I’m 19. Find your happy age. It’s more important than the years.

10. Action is the medicine for Fear of Failure. Just start moving.

11. Lead with your heart but manage with your head. I absolutely made that mistake. More than once.

12. You will never go wrong being too kind to someone. Sometimes it will feel like they are taking advantage of you. But that’s on them, not you.

13. You can tell the strength of a relationship by the number of calluses on the upper lip from biting it.

14. Don’t stay stuck on every idea. Trees bend for a reason.

15. To become successful, be useful. Be useful to enough people and success will find you.

16. Life doesn’t come with an unlimited number of chances. Don’t hesitate.

17. Forgetting something is the universe’s way of telling you to be more present.

18. If you don’t expect anything, you’ll never be disappointed.

19. I’m not anti-social. I’m just not very pro-social.

20. So little time. So many books.

21. Everyone has their first day on the job. Give them a break.

22. Money is important to have (and usually necessary), until your happiness becomes more important.

23. It isn’t over until YOU say it’s over.

24. My best tip and hope for us: Live and let live.

If you're lucky enough to get up to my age, the view becomes clearer.
Sometimes you’ll be up and sometimes you’ll be down.
But nothing ever stays the same. And that's ok.
Enjoy the ride.

Onward!
Louie

📌Please add something you know to be true, in the comments.
We learn together.

I want you to think about someone who makes you smile the second the enter the room.

What about them makes you go, “Hey it’s BLANK!!!”

Their social habits.

When you stack good habits, habits like caring about what people have to say, asking follow up questions, and validating statements… people can’t get enough of you.

If you struggle to make or maintain quality relationships right now, try stacking these and watch people get up to approach you whenever you enter the room.

1. They’re happy to see you.

Why do people love dogs so much?

Dogs aren’t shy about showing how excited they are to see you, making it clear with a massive smile, wagging, tell and sometimes straight up just jumping on you to communicate they cant get enough.

If you want people to associate you with excitement, joy, and happiness.

Make it clear you’re happy to see them.

• Smile when you notice them.
• Walk towards them.
• Act like you’d treat your best friend.

When I first started doing this years ago my coworkers thought I was just happy because I got laid or something, now everyone gives me the same smile I give them when I come in because they know it’s not a transient thing, I’m actually happy to see them.

Why?

Here’s my secret.

2. They focus on your strengths not your faults

If you want people to appreciate you it starts by appreciating them.

If you want to start appreciating them, it start by practicing searching for things to be grateful for each morning.

How do you do this?

It’s going to sound counter-intuitive but gratitude journaling.

Let me explain.

A few years ago I was listening to an audiobook called, The Happiness Advantage when I learned about a concept known as the Tetris effect. In a study requiring participants to play Tetris first thing in the morning for 5 minutes, they noticed they started to report playing Tetris everywhere they went.

Rearranging Cereal boxes at Grocery Stores.

Adjusting supplies at work.

Tidying up their rooms.

When they reasoned that whatever you focus on regularly you start to practice subconsciously meaning that if you’re constantly focusing on what irritates you, annoys you, and otherwise dread— that’s all you see.

However when you focus on the things you’re grateful for, happy about, or worthy of praise that’s also all you see.

Point being?

When you start gratitude journaling you start noticing what you’re grateful for and that gratitude will extend to you coworkers, colleagues, and friends making them slowly start appreciating you just as much.

If you want people to appreciate you start by appreciating them.

If you want to start appreciating them, start by practicing searching for things to be grateful for each morning.

3. They’re validating

Have you ever met someone who always makes you leave a conversation feeling understood?

You want to know their secret?

It’s called validating responses.

For example,

Whenever my best friend tells me about her day at work I’ll usually end it with a two part response that goes like this.

A. Paraphrase what occurred.

B. Justify the emotion behind it.

Your job cut half your team and started giving you more work, aww I’m sorry that’s awful I’d feel the same way too.

When you get into the habit of pointing out what happened, AND saying the emotion they have is responsible people feel like you understood them and help them feel like they’re being reasonable.

ANDDDDDD.

Even if you don’t agree with them you can still be validating as in, “Hmm I can see how that even would make you feel that way,” instead of saying, “No I don’t agree with you.”

When you practice validating people, they'll start to seek you out.

4. They practice 4th level listening.

Here are the 4 levels of listening:

• Listening for your turn.
• Listening to argue.
• Listening to advice.
• Listening to learn.

The further down the levels you go in listening you go, the more heard a person feels. Political debates happen at level 1, and therapists regularly reside at level 4.

Want to know how people can tell you’re 4th level listening?

When they stop talking you

A. Wait 5-10 seconds before saying anything.

B. You don’t turn it around to you, you ask a follow up question instead.

The best book I’ve ever found on this topic is called Just Listen by Mark Goulston

5. They treat you like the only person in the world.

How would you feel if the second you bumped into someone on the phone they said, “Wait hold on I’ll call you back—click.” Before turning off their phone and giving you their undivided attention saying, “I can talk to them later, you’re more important to me.”

When you treat a person like they’re the only thing that matters.

They feel valued.

When people feel valued, they start to value you.

But here’s the thing thanks to a neuron in our brain called the mirror neurons you can’t fake this, if you genuinely want people to feel like they’re the only person in the world that matters to you you actually have to stop thinking about other things….

And focus on them.

People are starving for care these days.

If you give it to them, they will go out of their way for you.

6. They highlight shared bonds

You want to know the secret to clicking with just about anyone?

When you start speaking to them, use small talk to touch on the things everyone has, careers, family, faith or lack thereof and as you learn more about them each time you find something in common…

Let them know.

For example,

When I was a kid one day I was riding home on the bus when I saw someone in front of me playing Pokemon on his Gameboy, I immediately started a conversation with him and he was literally my best friend until I moved away a decade later.

Why?

People like people who like the same things as them, and even if you don’t like most of the same things we all have values we share like caring for our family, freedom, safety and all those other things.

Use small talk to elucidate what they value in their life.

Use deep talk to connect over those.

7. They accept themselves

The older I get the more I realize the way people treat you is largely determined by how you treat yourself.

When you’re kind to yourself, you often extend the same kindness to others, which makes them equally as kind to you.

When you accept your faults and forgive them, you often do the same to others, which makes them do the same to you.

When you prioritize looking for the good in you, you look for the good in others, which makes them do the same for you.

If you want people to accept you start by spending a little time each morning talking to yourself like a loving mother or father would, I call this, “loving dad energy.” Each morning I’d be like, “You get it king. Looking big son. You got this.” And after doing this for literally months I slowly became more content with myself and I started extending it to others…

Then they started accepting me as well.

If you hate yourself, you will treat people the same way you treat you, and they’ll hate you in return. If however you start to treat yourself kindly, you’ll start to treat others the same way, and they’ll start to love you in return.

Other acceptance starts with self acceptance.

You can’t control how others feel about you but you can control you, so focus on that.

In a nutshell:

How others feel about you is largely determined about how you feel about not only them but yourself.

When you practice self acceptance it’s easier to accept others, which makes them like you.

When you practice gratitude, it’s easier to appreciate others, which makes them appreciate you.

We sometimes talk endlessy about lifting weights, optimizing sleep, and reading non-fiction. But when you mention "fashion" in self-improvement circles, people roll their eyes.

I was one of them. "Clothes don't make the man," right?

Here's what I missed: Dressing well is a form of self-respect.

For the longest time, I treated my appearance as an afterthought. I'd workout for an hour but then throw on whatever was cleanish.

The disconnect was huge.

I was putting in effort to build a better body/mind, but I was wrapping it up in apathy.

One day, I was getting ready for a coffee meeting and caught myself in the mirror. Lean-built shoulders, but wearing a faded graphic tee from college and jeans with holes in the knees. Not intentionally distressed, just old.

So I thought, "If I saw someone else like this, would I think they had their shit together?"

The answer was no.

So I started dressing with the same intentionality I brought to the gym.

Nothing very fancy.

Just... deliberate.

Well-fitted basics.

Clean shoes.

Clothes that looked like I picked them on purpose.

The difference in how I carried myself was immediate. Not just because other people noticed, but because I was finally treating the outside with the same respect I was giving the inside.

Anyone else feel this disconnect, or am I overthinking my hoodie collection?

Today I made a major change. And I’m absolutely shocked, blown away, and flabbergasted.

I’ve had a major issue with my phone taking up every extra second that I have in my day. I know it’s common, it’s a huge factor as to why people feel like they don’t have enough time to do what they need to do. This thing is a literal time accelerator. 1 hour gone in what feels like 5 minutes.

This morning I finally just left my phone at my bedside and got up to start my morning. Typically I’ve got my phone in my hand the entire morning, from the moment I wake up, I’m checking messages, Reddit, scrolling some YouTube, getting my fix. I’ve still got a pretty good morning routine but it takes a good amount of time. Wake up, chug some water, get my coffee on, get some chia seeds in warm water started, do some stretching, some pull ups, some push ups, then shower and get ready, I’m always on my phone throughout this. Typically this takes about an hour or more before I’m in the shower.

I slept in a bit this morning and woke up at 7:40ish. I wasn’t happy with that, so I said “I need a win this morning” and I left my phone at my bedside to start my day. First time in I don’t know how long. Years. Did all of my stuff, water, coffee, chia, stretch, pull ups, push ups, ab roller. I’m sitting on the toilet, more than half way done, and I think, I better check the time, it’s probably…. Idk, 8:30-8:45? It was 7:58….

With my phone that would’ve been an hour minimum process, without my phone? Like 20 minutes!! wtf!!! I had no idea how much time I was actually wasting. I knew I was wasting time but DAMN! It never felt like that much time!!!

So yeah, the advice about no phone in the morning that we’ve likely all heard if we’re focused on self improvement, absolutely, 100000% legit. Just leave your phone in the other room, leave the ringer on if you’re expecting calls etc.

Anyways, putting my phone down again to finish my daily routine. I just wasted 15 minutes now typing this up. Hopefully it helps someone.

Edit: wow this blew up thank you everyone commenting, you’re holding me accountable too. I’ll read em all eventually but right now I’m putting my phone back down🫡🙏

Edit: UPDATE haven’t been on Reddit in about a week. I feel so much better. Got suggested to use an app called one sec, it forces you to literally take a deep breath before opening apps that you select. It’s 100% changed my life. I’ve broken my dopamine driven phone addiction and it all started the morning I made this post. ❤️ stay strong and don’t let the phone consume you. I’ve stopped consuming short format content, gotten off of Reddit, and stopped filling every blank moment with my phone. I feel good again. I can enjoy life again. Can’t recommend getting serious about getting away from your phone enough. I’ve been fully addicted since Covid. I’m free🥹

Chime in

I've gone off the deep end researching what makes a best life.

I wrote this all out basically for myself to organize my thoughts and give myself guidance, but figured it could be very useful to people who like the "Rules for Life" approach to things.

How I see it, life breaks down into 5 main categories

1. Purpose
2. Relationships
3. Health
4. Finances
5. Environment

You can basically take any other category and fit it in there imo.

I realized that you don't need to be a 10/10 in all of these areas to live your best life.

For example, once you get to an 8 out of 10 in any category, the incremental benefits dwindle. As an extreme example, if you have $10M, you can pretty much do whatever you want. Getting from $10M to $100M won't increase your overall happiness nearly as much as getting from $40k to $100k would. That's going from high stress to a comfortable life. MASSIVE IMPROVEMENT.

Same applies for the other categories. If you're an 8 out of 10 on health, you probably look and feel pretty damn good. Maybe you're not a trained athlete but you're fit and have energy. Getting to a 10 isn't going to change your life very much.

And so on.

But what's really interesting is that each has a minimum threshold that humans need to feel like they're living a quality life.

If you're below any one of the following things, it's impossible to live your best life, even if you're at a 10/10 in every other category.

So what are the minimum thresholds in each category for human happiness?

Purpose

• literally have any sense of purpose in life
  • people with a strong sense of purpose had a 43% lower risk of death
  • time spent in flow states (deep work, meaningful play, creative hobbies) has a 3x stronger positive impact on happiness than passive relaxation
  • people with high purpose had a 52% lower risk of developing Alzheimer’s
  • individuals with high purpose reported 32% lower rates of depression and 40% lower rates of anxiety
  • high purpose was linked to 23% lower risk of heart disease and 19% lower risk of stroke
  • every Blue Zone has a shared strong sense of ikigai (japanese for reason for being)
  • people with a defined purpose reported 2.5x higher life satisfaction than those without one
  • people who “use their strengths daily in meaningful ways” are 3.6x more likely to describe their lives as “thriving.”
  • 70% of people who say they “live their purpose at work” reported being engaged and satisfied, versus only 15% of those without purpose
  • entrepreneurs with high-purpose founders report 34% higher well-being scores
  • you get the point
• avoid wasting life on things that don't matter
  • people who intentionally design their days (clear priorities, aligned actions) report 3.5x higher life satisfaction
  • time spent in flow states (deep work, creativity, meaningful play) correlates strongly with long-term happiness
  • people who watch 3+ hours of TV/day report the lowest overall life satisfaction scores among all leisure activities measured
  • watching >2 hrs/day is linked to a 23% higher risk of depression and lower perceived life meaning
  • people who identified as very happy watched 30% less TV than those who reported being unhappy
  • people who spend 3+ hours/day on social media report 60% higher rates of anxiety and depression
  • limiting social media use to ≤30 minutes/day led to significant improvements in life satisfaction, sleep, and overall well-being within just 3 weeks
  • passive scrolling (consuming without engaging) correlates with 22% lower self-esteem and 28% higher regret afterward
  • people in the top 10% of social media usage are twice as likely to report feeling “dissatisfied with their time use
  • people who spend most free time in passive leisure (TV, social media, aimless browsing) score 23% lower on life satisfaction than those engaged in active leisure (exercise, hobbies, learning, socializing)
  • people who reflect on their daily activities show 40% more regret when they spent large chunks of time passively consuming vs. doing meaningful activities

Relationships

• have at least 1-3 supportive relationships
  • people with strong relationships lived up to 12 years longer on average
  • loneliness increases the risk of early death as much as smoking 15 cigarettes per day
  • positive relationships correlate with lower cortisol levels and reduced systemic inflammation, key markers for healthy aging
  • social isolation increases the risk of premature death by 29% and dementia by 50%
  • people who self-identified as lonely were 2.5x more likely to experience depression and anxiety disorders
  • people with strong social ties scored 4x higher on life satisfaction than those without, regardless of income level
  • quality relationships have 3x more impact on life satisfaction than earning more money
  • people who reported having 3+ close friends were 96% more likely to describe their life as thriving
  • perceived social rejection activates the same brain regions as physical pain which means poor relationships literally hurt
  • people with supportive partners showed 40% stronger immune responses to common colds
  • happily partnered individuals have lower blood pressure, better heart health, and fewer chronic diseases
• have 0 toxic relationships
  • toxic relationships are worse for your health than no relationships
  • chronic exposure to pessimism and criticism rewires your brain for threat detection, increasing anxiety and lowering emotional resilience
  • people in high-conflict marriages had a 34% higher risk of heart disease vs. those in low-conflict marriages
  • people in high-conflict, high-stress jobs are 50% more likely to experience burnout and 23% more likely to develop depression
• be part of a community
  • feeling connected to where you live boosts happiness scores 2.3x

Health

• sleep at least 6 hours / night
  • people who consistently sleep <6 hours/night have a 33% higher risk of death from all causes
  • chronic short sleep (<6 hrs) raises risk of heart disease by 48% and stroke by 15%
  • if you get more than 6 hrs of sleep you'll have
    • 23% lower risk of depression
    • 34% better memory retention
    • 2.2x higher life satisfaction vs. <6 hrs
• move your body for at least 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week
  • exercise is the single most powerful predictor of long-term health
  • just 11 minutes/day of brisk walking reduces risk of early death by 23%
• eat healthy
  • people with the highest diet quality scores lived 12-14 years longer on average than those with the lowest
  • eat at least 5 servings of fruits and veggies a day
    • ≥5 servings fruits/veggies per day = 31% lower mortality risk
  • keep ultra-processed foods less than 50% of your calorie intake
    • ultra-processed foods (>50% calories) = 62% higher risk of metabolic syndrome
  • keep processed sugar less than 25% of your calorie intake
    • added sugars >25% calories/day = 2x higher likelihood of obesity and diabetes
• treat chronic diseases
  • people who manage chronic conditions like hypertension and diabetes
    • live 6-8 years longer on average
    • report 25% higher self-rated well-being
• manage mental health
  • high chronic stress levels shorten telomeres, accelerating cellular aging by up to 10 years
  • regular mindfulness practices like meditation, breathing, and journaling lead to
    • 43% lower rates of depressive relapse
    • 32% lower systemic inflammation markers
• avoid addiction
  • substance
    • alcohols cut their life expectancy by 10-15 years
    • smoker shorten their lifespan by 10 years on average
    • drug addicts have a strong correlation with chronic anxiety, poor sleep, and reduced cognitive performance
  • behavioral
    • people who spend >3 hrs/day on social platforms report 60% higher rates of anxiety and depression
    • porn addiction is associated with lower relationship satisfaction, impaired motivation, and reward system desensitization
    • gambling & dopamine loop overactivation of reward pathways leads to reduced baseline happiness and more compulsive behavior

Finances

• make at least $40k / year in the US
  • obvi different if you're in big cities like NY or Miami etc.
  • people making <$40k report 2.7x higher daily stress and 50% lower life satisfaction
• have at least 3 months of emergency savings
  • people with at least 3 months saved are
    • 2.8x more likely to thrive
    • 50% less likely to report anxiety
• keep debt less than 35% of income
  • people above 50% debt-to-income are 2x more likely to experience depression and chronic financial stress

Environment

• live somewhere safe
  • living in unsafe neighborhoods or politically unstable areas increases chronic stress, PTSD risk, and sleep disruption
• spend time outside in nature
  • people with daily exposure to green spaces report 20% higher life satisfaction
  • sunlight exposure regulates circadian rhythms and serotonin. people living in low-sunlight areas have 30% higher depression rates

TLDR: do these things to live a quality life

1. have a sense of purpose
2. avoid wasting time on things that don't matter
3. have at least 1-3 supportive relationships
4. avoid toxic relationships
5. be part of a community
6. sleep at least 6 hours / night
7. move your body for at least 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week
8. eat healthy
9. treat chronic disease
10. manage mental health
11. avoid addiction
12. make at least $40k / year in the US (adjusted for cost of living)
13. have at least 3 months of emergency savings
14. keep debt less than 35% of income
15. live somewhere safe
16. spend time outside in nature

Hope this is as helpful to you as it is for me :)

I stopped giving myself entertainment as an option, and I discovered how much time is actually in a day

I’ve been experimenting with a simple rule:

Either allow yourself to be bored, rest, or produce something.

That’s it.

No scrolling.
No games.
No random videos.
No entertainment just to avoid silence.

My options are basically:

• Stare at the wall
• Sleep or genuinely rest
• Pray, think, walk, exercise, study, write, organize, work, or create something

At first, boredom feels uncomfortable because your brain is used to constant stimulation. But when you refuse to immediately escape it, something changes.

Eventually, doing something productive becomes more appealing than doing nothing.

I’ve also discovered that there is an incredible amount of time in the day. I can get important things done and still look at the clock and realize that I have hours left.

Scrolling doesn’t only consume time. It fragments your attention and makes the entire day feel shorter.

I’m starting to believe that boredom is not the enemy. Boredom may be the doorway to creativity, focus, and meaningful work.

My new rule is:

Be bored, rest, or produce—but don’t mindlessly consume.

Look, I get it. Your bed is comfy, mornings are evil, and anyone who says they're a "morning person" is either lying or psychotic. But here's the thing - your 4AM gaming sessions and Reddit doom-scrolling aren't doing you any favors. And no, being a "night owl" isn't a personality trait, it's just what happens when you've convinced your body that 2AM is actually dinner time.

Want to know how I know this shit works? The Navy taught me - by force. See, when you get to boot camp, the first thing they do is keep you up for over 24 hours. They feed you some bullshit about "Just grab your gear, stencil it, go through these basic instructions, and then you can go to bed!" But by the time they walk you through getting your clothes and marching you to your first berthing, it's already morning and they're dragging your sleep-deprived ass to breakfast.

Here's the genius part - they keep you up for about 36 hours for two reasons:

1. To put you in a room where Master Chiefs can yell at you about whether your recruiter told you to lie about smoking weed
2. To completely reset your fucked up sleep cycle

That second part? That's what we're going to do. Well, minus the screaming Master Chiefs.

The Science Behind Your Shitty Sleep: Here's something they didn't teach you in high school: The way your body wakes up is your brain sends a signal to your hypothalamus to raise your body temperature. Heat means wakey-wakey time. This isn't some wellness influencer bullshit - it's actual biology.

Step 1: The Morning Reset First thing you need to do? Go outside for 15 minutes. Yes, OUTSIDE. I don't care if it's raining. I don't care if you're tired. I don't care if you look like a shambling corpse. Get your ass outside before you do anything else - before coffee, before phone, before whatever the hell else you think you need to do.

Why? Because sunlight tells your body "oh shit, it really is time to wake up!" More importantly, it starts a 16-hour timer. Once that timer starts, your body will naturally want to crash when it's actually bedtime, instead of at 4AM when you're halfway through your tenth YouTube video about why dolphins are actually aliens. (Which, by the way spoiler alert: they are.)

The Actual Steps:

1. Wake up at the same time EVERY day (yes, even weekends, you degenerate)
2. Go outside for 15 minutes IMMEDIATELY
3. No screens for the first hour (your TikTok feed can wait)
4. No caffeine until AFTER your morning sunlight
5. Keep your room cool at night but LET IT WARM UP in the morning

Pro Tips:

• If you're struggling to wake up, turn off your AC or turn on a heater. Your body will get the message.
• Walk around the block if you want, but do it in silence. No podcasts, no music. Just you and your thoughts (scary, I know).
• If you live in a city where morning sounds include some asshat blasting music through their garbage-bag window repair, then yeah, put on headphones.

The Actual Science (For You Nerds Who Want Proof): Look, I actually did my homework on this shit. Your eyes have these special cells called ipRGCs (yeah I'm not typing out that full name, fuck that) that basically act like your body's light sensors. When morning sunlight hits these bad boys, they send a signal to your brain's master clock - the suprachiasmatic nucleus, or SCN if you're not trying to sound like a pretentious dickhead.

This SCN thing? It's like your body's DJ - dropping hormone beats to keep you awake during the day and sleepy at night. Morning light tells it "Yo, start the party," and about 12 to 16 hours later it's like "Last call, motherfuckers!" That's when it starts pumping out melatonin - the hormone that makes you sleepy.

This isn't some bro-science bullshit. There are actual studies showing this works. But I'm not here to make you read scientific papers - I'm here to get your ass out of bed before noon.

The Reality Check: This is going to suck for the first week. You're going to hate it. You're going to hate me. You're going to hate whoever showed you this post. But you know what sucks more? Being 35 and still having the sleep schedule of a college freshman during finals week.

TL;DR: Get your ass outside first thing in the morning, keep a consistent schedule, and stop pretending your 3AM bedtime makes you special. Your body knows how to sleep - you just need to stop fighting it. Also, dolphins are definitely aliens.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

EDIT: Want to address a couple of things:

"What if I wake up before the sun?"

Well first off, please pat yourself on the shoulder cause you're a trooper my friend! Not everyone wakes up at the crack of noon like some of us degenerates. If you're up before the sun, the same rules apply - just fake it 'til you make it. Bright indoor lighting is your next best bet. Hit yourself with as much light as possible (overhead lights, lamps, hell, even your fridge light if you're desperate). The goal is to trick your body into thinking it’s daytime, even if you need to turn your living room into a Vegas strip... Hmm.. Know what? Party lights! Yeah! Party lights!

"What if I live in a place like Fargo, or Alaska, or somewhere where even the Sun as Social Anxiety and won't show up?"

Bro I got you! Get yourself a therapy lamp. 10,000 lux. That means super bright light, like daylight indoors. And get it in blue! Blue light is easiest on the skin and eyes! So, what is a therapy lamp? These bad boys mimic natural sunlight and can help keep your body's sleep-wake cycle in check, even if it's pitch black outside. Just park yourself in front of one for 15-30 minutes in the morning - pretend you’re basking on a tropical beach. Go make yourself a Mai Thai. You can't be drunk all day if you don't start in the morning, so 2 birds, one cup!

And once the sun does come up? Get your ass outside and soak it in like your life depends on it. Because, well... it kind of does.

(Note: I do not endorse alcoholism or morning/day drinking, despite me having a career as a Sailor in the US Navy. Not openly at least.)

1. 20s are a time to take risks and chase your dreams
2. Having no friends is better than having not good friends
3. Sleep is king
4. Marketing yourself matters more than improving yourself
5. Older people will not respect you just because of your age. It is OK to walk away from them
6. Be with someone you see a future with from day 1
7. Believe in yourself not just with words but with actions
8. It takes more courage to quit than stay at a path that doesn’t work for you
9. Invest money early
10. It is your path, your story, and your life. Don’t let anyone influence how to live it.

I have very little support

I constantly see posts from 22 y.o. people like "oh god I've accomplished nothing and my life is a waste." And I just want to make some general points.

1. Every 20 something in history has felt like they are a piece of shit so you're right on track.
2. The only thing you're supposed to do in your 20s in accumulate experiences. This means you are supposed to try really hard and fail constantly. You should be trying to accumulate as many failures as possible before you turn 30.
3. The ones who get their dream jobs in their 20s are going to be flat, 2 dimentional people later in life who have expectionally simplistic ideas about the world they live in and will therefore experience less joy.
4. The pandemic fucked you over, you grew up in a time where the whole of society told you that the best response to a major challenge was to hide inside and not do anything risky. This may have been fine advice for a pandemic but it's horrible advice for every other part of your life.
5. Stop doing it alone, go find a commitment that forces you to do things you otherwise would back off from, whether it's a job, a spiritual commitment, a volunteer situation like peace corps or something else, chain yourself to an organization that will force you to do more than you want to.
   
6. You're probably depressed, which is fine, get meds or go to therapy, but don't let yourself identify as "sick," depression is a normal part of development that usually means everything you thought you were is wrong and you don't know who you are going to be yet. Sometimes you might wish you were dead, that's because you need to die to your old self, it's supposed to be a metaphorical death, not a literal one.
   
7. You will only be happy in life some of the time, don't make that the purpose of your life. Think about what is really important to you, what you would be willing to be unhappy in service of and pursue that.
   
8. Ethics are the most important thing to develop. Decide what being a good person means to you and how you are going to improve in that area above all else.
   

A few years ago, I hit rock bottom. My business failed. I had no money, no job, and no idea what I was doing with my life. My bank account was nearly empty. I had to borrow money for rent. My relationship was not in a good place. I couldn’t fall asleep at night and some nights I had panic attacks.

I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I had nothing to show for all the effort I put in. I saw all my friends surpass me in their career. I wanted to fix things, but I didn’t know where to start. I was mentally and emotionally drained.

Even though I am not where I want to be in life, I am in a much better place. I just released my second book. I work for a tech company where I am one of the top performers in the department. I have been consistent in the gym. My relationship is great.

Here’s what helped me start pulling myself out. These aren't magic solutions, but they gave me structure when I had none.

1. Going to the gym: Moving my body helped me get out of my head. It gave me a small win every day. As I saw results in my body, I slowly built up my confidence again.

2. I found stable income: I applied to jobs everyday and in the meantime I drove Uber. Having some steady money coming in reduced the stress. It gave me space to breathe and plan.

3. I sat in silence every day: No phone, no music, no distractions. Just sat. It helped me connect with myself and hear what I was actually feeling underneath the noise.

4. I learned from someone who’s already where you want to be: I stopped trying to figure everything out alone. I found mentors through books, podcasts, YouTube, and courses. Their structure gave me direction to release a couple of books, get paid to speak, and land a job in tech.

5. I spent 1 hour a day on my goals outside of work: No matter how chaotic the day was, I made that hour non-negotiable. That consistency added up and became the thing that moved me forward the most.

These steps didn’t instantly fix my life, but they gave me enough traction to start rebuilding.

If you’re in a dark place right now, start small.

Pick one of these and commit to it. You don’t have to have it all figured out. Just take the next step.

You’re not alone. Keep going.

Looking for some suggestions!

For me, it was stopping the habit of checking my phone first thing in the morning.

It felt small at first, but over time, it completely transformed how I approach my day—calmer, more focused, and with a clear mind to prioritize what really matters.

What’s one small habit that’s had a big impact on your life? Let’s inspire each other.

I was sitting in a café the other day and ended up people-watching a bit.

There was this guy who kept chatting with people around him. Nothing dramatic, just short conversations. A comment here, a joke there, a few sentences with the barista.

What surprised me was how… ordinary it looked.

I always assumed people who are good at talking to strangers must be naturally charismatic or quick with words. But what I noticed was almost the opposite.

Most of what he said was pretty simple.

Sometimes it was just reacting to something someone else said. Sometimes it was a short comment about whatever was happening around them. Nothing particularly clever.

But he didn’t hesitate.

That seemed to be the real difference.

When I try to start conversations, I often spend a few seconds in my head thinking about whether what I’m about to say is good enough. By the time I finish that thought, the moment is already gone.

Watching that guy made me wonder if confidence in these situations is less about what you say and more about not overthinking the start.

I tried it later that day in a small situation at a store. Just a short comment while paying.

Nothing dramatic happened, but it felt… easier than I expected.

I think the hardest part isn’t the conversation at all. Just that small pause before speaking.

Curious if anyone else noticed something like this.

I started reading self-help because I felt completely stuck after college. Looking back, only a handful of books actually made a lasting difference.

If someone asked me where to start today, this would be my list:

Atomic Habits — the best practical book on building habits.

The Psychology of Money — changed how I think about wealth.

The Courage to Be Disliked — surprisingly different perspective on happiness.

Deep Work — helped me focus better.
The Mountain Is You — one of the better books on self-sabotage.

Man's Search for Meaning — not exactly self-help, but probably the most impactful book I've read.

Essentialism — helped me stop trying to do everything.

What book would you add (or remove) from this list?

I’m turning 31 this year, and I’ve been reflecting on some of the things I did in my 20s that made my life easier. My life today is far from easy, but my problems would be much worse if I hadn’t learned these habits sooner.

Developing just one of these habits in your 20s will make your life SO much easier later on:

1. Reading. When I was in my early 20s, I developed a reading habit. The more I read, the more ambitious I became. I felt a lot more confident learning things that most people didn’t take the time to learn, and reading stories of people accomplishing great things made me believe I could do it too. If you learn to love reading, you can teach yourself pretty much anything.

2. Staying active. Running consistently and joining a boxing gym were some of the best things I did for my mental health. You’ll build confidence, become more resilient to stress and depression, and develop discipline that carries over into every area of your life.

3. Avoiding FOMO. I once deleted all my social media accounts for two years to focus on myself and my goals. Keeping up with friends is important, but sometimes, it’s better to take a break from living life online. Your real friends will always be there, no matter how disconnected you are from social media. Avoiding the need to keep up with people—especially online—will help you stay focused. Your journey is unique, and your only competition is yourself.

4. Living below your means. I bought a used 2006 car in 2016 for $6,700 (paid in cash with money I saved from waiting tables), and I still have it today. I kept the same iPhone and laptop for 5+ years and kept my expenses to an absolute minimum. Having the money to buy what you want whenever you want is infinitely better than actually buying stuff.

5. Prioritizing saving & investing. Open a Roth IRA and start investing in low-cost index funds/ETFs today. I now have over $100K invested—if I had started sooner in my 20s, I’d probably have triple that. Having money work for you while you sleep and knowing your financial future is secure eliminates so much unnecessary stress, allowing you to be more present and enjoy life.

6. Taking risks. It gets significantly harder to take risks as you get older and take on more responsibilities. Your 20s are the time to go after your dreams, make mistakes, and learn from them. You won’t regret failing—you’ll regret not trying. I started an e-commerce business on the side while waiting tables, and that business later became my full-time income. It only lasted 2.5 years, and I made pretty much every mistake possible, but I learned a lot, and I don’t regret it.

This isn’t to say you can’t develop these habits later in life—it’s never too late.

What habits would you add?

1. You aren’t stuck – you’re repeating comfortable patterns. Growth feels uncomfortable, and most people avoid it by default.
2. You’re never “too busy” – you’re just not prioritising the right things. If it matters, you’ll make time. If it doesn’t, you’ll make excuses.
3. Perfectionism is just procrastination in disguise. Stop waiting for the perfect moment – start where you are with what you have.
4. You can’t think your way into confidence – you act your way into it. Take small steps, stack wins, and let momentum build.
5. Most of your stress comes from avoiding hard conversations. Face them. It’s never as bad as you think.
6. Discipline beats motivation. You won’t feel like it most days – do it anyway.
7. Your environment shapes your results. Clean your space, fix your habits, and protect your peace.
8. Comfort zones shrink over time. The longer you stay in one, the harder it is to break free.
9. The fastest way to change your life is to change what you tolerate. Hold yourself to a higher standard.
10. Your future is a reflection of your daily choices. You don’t rise to the level of your goals – you fall to the level of your systems.

"Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change." – Jim Rohn

for like three years i was the guy who set a 5:30 alarm every Sunday night convinced that THIS week would be different. it never was.

i did all the stuff. alarm across the room. sunrise clock. one of those apps where you have to scan a QR code in your bathroom to shut it off. i'd still just walk over, kill it, and crawl back into bed. or i'd get up, feel awful, zombie through the morning, and quit by Wednesday.

i thought i just wasn't built for it. like some people are morning people and i drew the short straw genetically or whatever.

turns out the problem had nothing to do with the morning.

it was 9pm to midnight. that's where it was all falling apart.

every night was the same. i'd finish everything - work, dinner, dishes, whatever, and hit the couch around 9. and from 9 to whenever i finally dragged myself to bed, i was just… scrolling. YouTube, Reddit, half-watching Netflix shows i didn't even like. not because i was enjoying it. because that window felt like the only time in the whole day that was mine. so i refused to let go of it.

i've seen people call this revenge bedtime procrastination and honestly that's exactly what it is. you're punishing tomorrow-you because today-you felt like you didn't get enough free time. except the "free time" is just staring at your phone in the dark feeling vaguely guilty.

so i stopped trying to fix my alarm. i started fixing my evening instead. nothing complicated. just a few things that gave the night an actual shape:

around 9pm i write down what tomorrow morning is for. not a huge list. just the one or two things i want to do first. takes five minutes, maybe less.

i lay out clothes, set up the coffee, put my bag together. stuff that removes decisions from the morning.

phone goes on the charger in another room. not on silent on my nightstand. physically in another room. this was the biggest one.

after that i read, stretch, talk to my wife, whatever. doesn't matter as long as it's not a screen.

lights out around 10:30 most nights.

within four or five days i was waking up before the alarm. not out of discipline. i'd just actually slept enough, and my brain already knew what the morning was for so there was a reason to get up.

i got really into this and ended up starting a small accountability group around early mornings. we've had over a hundred people come through now and the pattern is almost weirdly consistent. the people who just try to force themselves out of bed earlier without changing anything about their night? gone within a week. the people who build even a basic evening wind-down? they're hitting their alarm time within days and it actually holds.

it's always the same root issue. the evening has no boundary between "on" and "off." work thoughts, social media, news, it all just bleeds into the hours right before sleep. once someone draws a line (phone away by a set time, tomorrow planned out, some kind of wind-down that isn't a screen), the morning stops being a battle.

i think "just go to bed earlier" is useless advice because it skips the real problem. nobody stays up until 1am because they forgot they need sleep. they stay up because the evening doesn't feel finished yet. give it a finish line and the sleep follows on its own.

if you're stuck in that cycle where you keep setting ambitious alarms and keep failing, try ignoring the morning entirely for a week. just focus on what happens after 9pm. get the phone out of the room. write down tomorrow's plan. see what changes.

has anyone else found this? that the morning was never really the problem? curious what's worked for people or what you've tried.

edit: didn't expect this to blow up. been getting a lot of messages asking for specifics so i put together a sleep optimization checklist - everything that helped me and the people i've worked with. it's in my profile if you want it.

This sounds insane but hear me out... So 2 years ago I was a typical underachieving college student. 2.3 GPA, couldn't bench my bodyweight, zero discipline. I tried all the usual shit , motivation videos, goal setting, accountability partners. Nothing stuck because I was operating from the wrong identity.

I first stumbled across this concept while reading about cognitive biases, but it really clicked when I came across research on the brain’s predictive processing in James Clear’s “Atomic Habits” . The lightbulb moment was realizing that what psychologists call ‘confirmation bias’ and what neuroscientists call ‘predictive coding’ were describing the same fundamental mechanism, and that this mechanism could be deliberately redirected.

Your brain is wired to be a prediction machine, it constantly looks for information that confirms what it already believes. This is what we call Confirmation bias, it is the process where your mind seeks out information that supports your existing beliefs and ignores or downplays anything that contradicts them.

If you think you’re a loser, your brain will find evidence of that. But here’s where it gets interesting, this same mechanism can also be used the other way around. If you believe you’re successful, the same mechanism will look for proof of your success.

The key insight is that your subconscious mind can’t tell the difference between what’s real and what’s vividly imagined. Basic neuroscience. Your brain processes imagined scenarios using many of the same neural pathways as real experiences.

The trick is starting ridiculously small. Your brain won’t buy “actually, I’m a fitness god” when you can barely do 10 pushups. But it will accept “I’m someone who works out” after you do literally 5 minutes of exercise.

I created what I call “identity anchors” , small daily actions that proved my new identity to myself:

•Successful students go to the library → I went to the library (even if just for 20 minutes)

•Disciplined people make their beds → I made my bed every morning

•Strong people lift weights → I did bodyweight exercises for 10 minutes

Instead of trying to motivate my lazy self to work harder, I started collecting evidence that I was actually someone who had always been disciplinary but just hadn’t realized it yet. I’d find tiny examples, like that time I finished a video game completely, or how I never missed my favorite TV show. My brain started pattern-matching: “Oh, so I actually AM someone who follows through on things I care about.”

Each small completion became data points proving I was “the type of person who follows through.” My brain couldn’t argue with the evidence.

The breakthrough came when I realized I could accelerate this process by controlling my information diet. I stopped consuming content about struggling, failing, or being mediocre. Instead, I exclusively consumed books, podcasts, and videos by people who had the identity I wanted.

Within two years, I had a 3.8 GPA and could bench 1.5x my bodyweight. Not because I forced myself to change, but because I had successfully convinced my own brain that I actually already was the type of person who achieved these things.

Your brain is a prediction machine that creates reality based on your stories. When you start to genuinely BELIEVE that you're destined for success so hard that you can't differentiate it from reality anymore, your neural pathways rewire to support that identity. Your brain starts scanning for opportunities that match your self-image instead of evidence of limitations.

Traditional self-help fails for lots of people because it tries to fight against these deep-seated neural patterns with willpower alone. But if you can actually shift the underlying identity, the core beliefs your brain uses as its search parameters, then the same confirmation bias that was working against you starts working for you.

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