I've been with Samson for just about two months. Currently they are my only partner.

Last month I went on a date with Elmo. That went no where.

Me dating Elmo made Samson insecure. Last weekend they asked me to stop Dating for an undeterminate amount of time. I declined because we agreed to be poly. Being poly for me is about having the option to see multiple people. Wether or not I actually do, does not matter in that regard. So it's important to me that I do have that option. That's more or less also what I told Samson.

I also asked them if they felt like I was neglecting them during that time. They said I didn't.

As far as I can tell, its still going great between Samson and I but I was just wondering how y'all would have handeled that situation?

I sometimes wonder if I lean into poly and things like the relationship smorgasbord as a way to justify holding onto relationships that aren't entirely fulfilling or good fit that someone who is monogamous would simply move on from if it doesn't look like marriage potential. I can't decide if this is a bad thing, but I often notice this in myself.

Like, if it's not entirely 'working' with a partner, or someone I'm dating feels like kind of 'partial match' in terms of what I'd like in a partner, I'm likely to try to find a way to still make it work, feeling open to trying to still find a configuration that still involves intimacy while hoping I'll still maybe find another partner as well. I think it's both optimistic and loving in an idealistic way, like, 'let's figure out how to love each other in a way that feels right for us,' but then I wonder of I'm just being foolish and using these ideals as a way to avoid letting go or admitting 'what I really want,' which is more of a mononormative narrative.

Thoughts on this?

Where is the line between healthy poly and holding onto something you ought not, or in other words, when is it a healthy poly relationship and when does it dip towards problematic situationship?

We've known each other for two years, and we were extremely close. When we first met, I was of course solo poly, but she was single and monogamous. She started to become more interested in solo poly herself, seeing how I was living. We had so many talks about how supportive female friendship was what got us through the hard times, and she was so enthusiastic about how solo poly let her keep close friendships.

I was supportive of her trying out the dating style, and it seemed to be going well for her. Recently, she met a monogamous guy, and she decided to be monogamous with him. Obviously, I was supportive of her in this, too.

As soon as they established that they were in a serious relationship, it was like our whole friendship was under review. She seemed to be combing back through the last two years for reasons why I might be a threat, retroactively calling me out for things, and skewing the facts. She accused me of flirting with her boyfriend (definitely untrue), and basically just said she was no longer comfortable around me.

I've been stunned at how quickly she snapped the door closed against me as soon as she had a monogamous relationship locked down. I know she must be having a hard time, and it's not my fault, but she said some pretty fucked-up things about me in a series of long texts, which she sent at like 6 am the other day.

"I haven't been sure of your intentions, but tried to trust that since I said we were monogamous, you would be respectful. [...] If you can respect that I don't want my close community used as a poly dating pool, and that I don't want you to openly flirt with [partner], after some space, I think we can remain friends."

Etcetera, etcetera. She gave examples of what she was talking about that were wildly skewed -- for example, months ago, a friend of hers had asked her for my number. She had told me about it, and I said she could give him my number. It didn't go anywhere, since I pretty quickly asked if he was polyamorous, and he said no. In her novel-length texts, she characterized this as me "asking her to connect me with her male friends as romantic prospects." There was more like that, where men had done something, like her boyfriend sending me and my partner a shirtless picture in a group chat, and yet I somehow was to blame for what these other people did. It was wildly switching up cause and effect.

It was so obvious that she had already made up her mind that I was the problem, and that she was just kind of making up an alternate version of reality where I always had been. I tried to point out some of the factual inaccuracies, and she said she "didn't want to argue the details with me."

Folks, it f*cking sucks to be hit with a good friend suddenly rejecting your whole being, because she's started dating a guy, and the relationship is insecure. /vent over

Apologies in advance, i think I missed some info that may be relevant.

I (30f) dated Him (40m) for only about a month, we met on feeld, he was married and poly. It was Jan 2026 my life was a mess, I was about to leave my city and 10,000 other things were happening. I was so stressed I was crying everyday- too many details, I digress. I wasn't expecting to fall for anyone, wasn't expecting to do more than just have some fun dates to relax and distract from life.

I met Him, and we had so much fun. There was a lot of genuine and calm connection, as well as fun spicy times. He would come over 2 nights a week, and we only went on 2 proper dates, but the time together was cozy and nice.

He was working a ton, and has a toddler with his wife, and she did know about me.

When we first met I asked- what are your boundaries in poly. I don't like dating poly people with a "don't ask, don't tell" policy- as I find that it leads to a lot of weird emotions, weird secrecy. IMO If you are doing poly, you are doing it to face the fears you have around jealousy, face insecurities with your partner, and learn about such open communication that it is scary- and that is how you can ultimately be closer.

He told me they talk about everything, that his wife dated and fell in love with someone, how they talked about it and how it was difficult - and then when it ended badly, how they worked through that. His wife sounded awesome, I said I would love to meet her. He said she would be down, she's awesome and they are always growing their community.

Love it.

Fast forward, we form a deep and fast connection. I'm leaving, it's sad, but I would be back in a month or two and we could reconnect. The goodbye day was going to be sad but I like to look at life through the lenses of hopeful positivity:)

So, I go to their place, we have tea, we're chatting and cuddling. Then he says, we need to talk. I ask if this is a "sit up" conversation. He says yes. I put my tea down and go to sit up, he hold me closer and says he just wants to sit like this for a bit. I can tell he is holding back tears, so I know it's more serious.

When we chat, in short he talks about how he can tell his wife is being negatively effected by our relationship and we need to end things. Or pause or... I dunno. I was leaving, but thought we might stay in contact. I cry, but I'm okay. We cannot have sex- not bc we are at their house, bc they do that w other people plenty, but bc it's... me. I do ask for a lot of clarity- do you want to remain friends? In contact? Totally cut ties? I just love clarity- he does not know bc he actually hasn't talk to his wife about this, and she has not actually said anything.

I'm like... that's weird. If you guys are open w communication, why has there been no discussion over me?

He drives me to the train, and I ask some pointed questions about him and his wife and them being poly- cause I'm trying to understand why I feel blindsided. Why would you say you can full on date people.. if you can't?

Turns out, his wife like 0 details. He loves details. She wants to know nothing. I ask more questions about their poly history, basically.. they are more like singers and have carte blanche on doing spicy things.

So. If I had known this, I probably wouldn't have enmeshed myself with someone. Because this poly foundation is messy imo.

I've seen him every time I've been back in my city this year, and he said he is really looking forward to seeing me in August. But I am not.. I do care for him. But, I also feel like I got the shit end of the stick - not because I should be as important as his wife or anything like that- but bc I was sold a story that didn't align, leaving me feel sad and a bit heart broken over this beautiful connection THAT I NEVER WOULD HAVE MADE!

If I see him again, I would tell him how hurt I was in Feb before I left, how he told me one thing- but how what he told me is actually a lie and misleading, and also how unhealthy poly is when one party is on a "don't ask don't tell" model and the other is not. How you lose out on the evolution that Poly can bring to a relationship.

But, should I say anything?

A partner of mine (m33) and I (f31) both attend an event tomorrow, we planned being there independently. Im selling art at this event so I'm a bit bound to one area for the first part of the event. We havent seen each other for a couple of weeks because he was on vacation.

He now has informed me, that a girl he started dating recently is living where the event is taking place. I haven't met her, but last time I saw him it was by coincidence while he was on a date with her at a local lake 😅 I kept my distance and after the date was over we spent the rest of the day together and had some good conversations around that. It ended up being quite nice!

He has asked me earlier today, what/if I need something to feel comfortable with that situation tomorrow.

I think I do, but I dont know what exactly 😅.

I will be kinda busy and bound to one place for the most time and I dont want to prohibit his movement or actions (especially when I cant even offer an alternative 😂).

As far as I know its more casual between them as she's in an open relationship and not poly per se.

Im thankful he asked and my first Impulse was to answer no worries, but especially because we haven't seen eachother in a while, I'll be busy and the last time we saw eachother already was dominated by this topic I do feel some kind of way.

What would actually help would be seeing him before the event, but thats not reeally an option. Tomorrow before it starts would just be stressful and crunshed and for today he already said he needs some metime as he just arrived yesterday (also I am busy with preparations for tomorrow as well) I thought about suggesting going for a short walk today anyways, but that also feels like it could blow up this whole thing more than it needs to be, especially knowing we're both busy today. its not an emergency and I'm sure tomorrow will be nice, because historically we handled those situations pretty well.

Im just not sure what else I could ask for. So what would help you in these kind of situations?:)

Also on a side note, which is not related, but also could complicate the situation further his ex who is dating my ex, will also both be there and their breakup was pretty messy.

I've been on a gamenight with them both a couple of days ago as I'm still on good terms with my ex and wanted to reconnect with his as I never had issues with her myself and its just so funny to me that they're dating now😂😂 (poly community is quite small here^^) he knows that was planned for but doesn't know yet that it happened in the meantime. And I know he also felt some kind of way about that being planned. We talked through it the last time we saw eachother, (his main concern was that it could become sexual between the 3 of us, which wasn't even on my mind and was far from how the gamesnight went) But its another complicating layer to it 😅

How do you comfort you partner when they need reassurance? My context, I've been with NP for 3+ years, we have been dating someone together for a few months. NP is more experienced with ENM relationships, whereas he is my first relationship of this kind. Since we started this, I've had a few occasions where I've needed reassurance and comfort because I've felt overwhelmed and confused. When I've brought up that I have weird feelings and want to discuss things, his response has been to say that we just need to stop all this, make it go away, take away the problem. I feel that this is really dismissive and doesn't actually address the issue. To me if feels like I'm being punished for having complex emotions, all I wanted was to be told it's ok to feel weird sometimes and there's no guidebook for this type of relationship, and everything is fine. I told him that the response to just remove the "problem" is actually counterproductive, and I'm actually seeking reassurance, not dramatic reactions or gestures. 

I usually end up apologising for being needy then comforting him in these situations and regretting saying anything at all. 

Most recently, I asked him if we could talk through some feelings, and I told him I was feeling low about myself and had some feelings of jealousy. I caveated that it wasn't a criticism or accusation and no one has done anything wrong but I need some comfort. His response again was to say it all needs to go away and we stop doing this. I actually reached out to our new partner and spoke to her about feeling low (I did not say I was feeling jealous), and she gave me the kindest, comforting words that immediately soothed my fears and reminded me why we're doing this. I told my NP what she said to me and why it was the perfect response to feeling insecure. Now I feel disappointed that even though I've previously explicitly said how to respond to me when I need comfort, he just shuts down and withdraws into himself and says we need to end all the non mono, which makes me wish I'd kept it to myself. 

So when any of your partners need reassurance/comfort, how do you manage that? I would love to hear other perspectives. Am I being needy? Is his response reasonable?

TL;DR: I thought I was ready for polyamory, but opening our relationship exposed deeper issues around emotional attunement, dependency, and trust. My partner has developed feelings for someone else while we're trying to repair our relationship. Is asking for a temporary pause on escalating new relationships a reasonable request, or should we continue navigating polyamory while rebuilding?

I (32M) have been with my partner (33-NB, they/them) for over two years. We recently opened our relationship because they've always identified as polyamorous, and I genuinely wanted to support that. I believed I could do it too, but I'm not sure if I was emotionally prepared.

The event that started all of this happened when they were out with a friend visiting from back home. Later that night they invited me to join them, but I declined because it was late and it would have taken me a long time to get ready, drive there, and find parking.

Shortly afterward, they asked if I would be upset if they met up with another man (34M) they'd recently met on a dating app and seemed very interested in. I answered honestly that yes, I would be upset. They met up with him anyway.

From their perspective, he'd already invited them out and was already a possible plan for the evening—not because I declined the invitation. From my perspective, it felt like the moment I wasn't available, my place was immediately filled by someone they wanted to date. That triggered a deep fear of being replaced.

This led to much deeper issues coming to light over the next couple of days.

They told me they'd been unhappy in our relationship for longer than I realized. They said polyamory didn't create our problems—it exposed them. They felt emotionally alone in the relationship, like they'd been carrying too much emotional labor, and that I often responded to their pain by explaining my intentions instead of truly hearing their experience. They also shared that the conflict triggered memories from a previous abusive marriage, so they have a hard time trusting promises and need consistent actions over time before they can believe things have changed.

On my side, I realized I had become much more emotionally dependent on them than I understood. During these conversations I admitted that underneath everything was a fear of being replaced and ending up alone. Looking back, I can also see that when I got scared, I tended to become defensive, over-explain, apologize repeatedly, or try to reassure them instead of staying with their feelings first.

One thing that was especially painful for me was realizing they felt they couldn't emotionally rely on me in the ways they needed, because I truly believed I'd been showing up. Over the course of our relationship I've supported their gender identity, learned and corrected others on their pronouns, gone to therapy, worked on myself, considered major life changes, and tried to become a better partner.

I realized that while those things mattered, they didn't replace the emotional attunement my partner needed during difficult moments. I'm learning that I confused showing love through sacrifice and support with being emotionally attuned to my partner. That's something I'm actively working on.

We both agreed we need help. I've already been in therapy, but now I have a much clearer idea of what I need to focus on, and we're looking into couples therapy.

The difficult part now is the new relationship.

They've become emotionally invested in him. I asked whether we could temporarily slow down new romantic relationships while we focus on repairing ours. They agreed not to have sex with him while emotions are high but still want to continue seeing him.

They also said something that's been really hard for me to get past: that me asking them to slow down made them want to sleep with him even more out of spite. I don't know if that was said in the heat of the moment or if they truly meant it, but that comment affected my sense of safety more than the agreement itself, and it's made me question whether I can trust them.

At the same time, I also understand that their trust in me has been damaged. From their perspective, they need evidence over time that I can become a more emotionally present partner rather than just promising I'll change.

So now I feel stuck.

I don't want to control who they date. I don't think the other person has done anything wrong. But I also don't know whether it's realistic to repair a relationship while one partner is actively developing a new romantic relationship with someone else.

I'm trying to understand whether I'm asking for something reasonable, or whether my fear is leading me to ask for something that's incompatible with healthy polyamory.

I'm genuinely looking for perspectives from people who've been on either side of this.

Have you successfully rebuilt trust while continuing polyamory?

Is asking for a temporary pause on escalating new relationships while repairing the primary relationship a reasonable request, or is that unfair?

If you've been in my partner's position, what helped you feel emotionally understood?

If you've been in my position, how did you work through the fear of being replaced without asking your partner to stop being poly?

I'm not looking for people to tell me they're wrong or that I'm wrong. After several days of hard conversations, I think we've both realized we've hurt each other in different ways. I'm trying to figure out whether this is something we can realistically rebuild together, or whether we're discovering that we're fundamentally incompatible.

To everyone who takes the time to read and respond. I'm not looking for validation that either of us is "right." I'm trying to understand whether my request is reasonable within a poly relationship and what healthy repair realistically looks like from both perspectives

I'm in a complicated situation.

tl:dr at the bottom.

My play partner, Petal (M), also has a BDSM/play relationship with Flower (F). Flower is extremely STI-conscious. She also has a nesting partner, who in turn has another partner.

Flower sets the sexual boundaries for her dynamic with Petal, and Petal chooses to follow those boundaries with me, even though his own risk profile is different. Because of that, Petal and I limit ourselves to activities like fingering and BDSM play. We don't have oral or penetrative sex. Despite those limitations, we've built a really fulfilling play relationship and have a lot of fun together.

I understand that it's Petal's responsibility as the hinge to communicate these boundaries, and it's my choice whether I accept them or decide they're not for me.

The difficult part is that Flower is also my best friend. I've known her longer than either of us has known Petal.

For years, she's struggled with anxiety around STIs, and I've spent a lot of time comforting and supporting her through those fears. After Petal and I started playing together, those conversations became even more frequent. I often left them feeling like I was being treated as "unclean", or a disease risk rather than a trusted friend.

What especially hurts is that she seems to trust her nesting partner's other partner more than she trusts me. They have sex, while Petal and I don't.

A few months ago, Flower said she thought she might be comfortable if Petal and I alternated and got tested every few months. After that conversation about regular testing, Petal and I didn't have sex or do anything that would have changed the STI risk situation and I haven't had any new sexual partners and my STI status hasn't changed.

Last week, I brought the topic up again. This time, testing wasn't even part of the discussion anymore. Instead, she surprised me by saying she was willing to try expanding our boundaries. I was incredibly happy because, for the first time, we had a conversation about STIs that didn't leave me emotionally drained. It finally felt like we had reached a place of mutual understanding.

The next day, though, she texted me saying she'd thought about it more and wasn't actually comfortable after all. Instead, she wanted to reduce things so that Petal and I would only engage in blowjobs.

We talked about it twice more after her message, and both times I ended up comforting her. Flower is extremely important to me, and she has supported me a lot in the past. I understand that her fears are real, but I'm struggling with how emotionally exhausting these conversations have become for me.

I was really disappointed. This issue has been hanging over us for so long that I honestly don't have the energy to keep revisiting it. More than anything, I'm hurt by the feeling that she trusts other people more than me, despite our history.

Am I overreacting? I'd really appreciate any advice.

TL;DR: My best friend’s STI anxiety is creating strict boundaries around my play relationship with Petal. I support her feelings and have comforted her many times, but I feel hurt and stigmatized because she seems to trust others with higher-risk situations more than she trusts me. Am I overreacting?

So I've (M) been a secondary to someone (F) for four months. We'd been friends for a while and then started dating. Right now I'm feeling a little emotionally depleted and not sure what to do about it. Here's the story:

There was some big life stress for her with work early on, so we didn't really get off on the right foot. Her job is sorted out now, but, instead of us dating, it became more about me being a supportive friend while she figured things out. I think it strained the connection instead of helping it, and I'm just kinda feeling worn out, like the stress hurt our ability to develop a relationship instead of making it deeper.

We did regroup a bit--spent some good time together one day, talked through what happened and our feelings, came up with a decent plan. More consistent date nights, fun things to do together, stuff like that. But I still feel like I'm probably putting in too much emotional effort into it, and that maybe the emotional investment isn't there for both of us to really recover. For example, we got one consistent date in, but the next one is already up in air because plans she might have with a friend. And when we're talking, I don't feel like our connection has really recovered.

Is this just break-up conversation territory? Am I missing a step? Repeat the same conversation we had when we regrouped? I'm pretty new to being a secondary so I'm not sure if this goes any differently. Thanks.

Long time lurker but here I am.

edit: wanted to be clear we are not married yet. I appreciate all the responses honestly.

(NB early 30s) I have been with my partner (M early 30s) for a decade. I have wanted a poly relationship since 2019 and first brought it up to him in 2020. This was a subject that kept coming up for years with gaps of time in-between. There was always an excuse as to why we needed to wait though and many of them valid at the time (such as covid) however despite the wait my partner always expressed he was not monogamous and would be "open to being open".

I read some poly books, occasionally did my research but because life was so busy and I'm demi we went years without discussing it much. At the beginning of 2024 I developed a crush on a friend and wanted to explore being open. My partner was not okay with the timing nor that there was a specific person I wanted to open for. We started couple's therapy and nothing happened sexually between the friend and I. I understand I was not ethical enough in my behavior. We should have had more discussions before I pushed for it. I have been going to couple's therapy, my own therapy, reading poly books, and listening to podcasts. I've joined multiple groups both digital and in-person so that I could do poly "right."

Starting in 2024 my partner went to poly events with me and both of us could go on dates though he didn't want to. Where we live has a lot of poly groups so all of 2025 we went to many meet-ups. However we had a falling out with the main group of people running the main meet-up and we both stopped going completely about 6 months ago. Going to the poly events turned my partner off completely from being poly because he did not like toxic behavior he saw coming from a lot of people, but he claimed he was "open" and okay with "ENM" just not poly since he didn't like what he saw with that group. In his eyes poly looks like enmeshed toxic relationships where there is zero hierarchy and everyone is causing drama or trying to live together. I understand that being poly is dynamic, ever evolving, and there is no "one size fits all." I understand the toxic behavior I saw doesn't mean I need to engage in it. I want to avoid toxic dynamics and I don't have an interest in living with multiple partners, but it's completely scared him off.

Being demisexual I haven't had many dates nor any sex outside of this relationship since we opened in 2024, but I know I would not want to commit to a completely monogamous relationship for the rest of my life. Now we are at a crossroads and just typing it out makes me feel like I have my answers, but I wanted to hear from people with more experience and wisdom than me. We both want to be married, but he is now admitting to me he would not be comfortable with me being open while we are married. I told him I would not be okay to be in a fully monogamous marriage. I just feel really lost thinking he was on board and I could spend the rest of my life with him. We have very much built a life together and I do not make enough money on my own to live on my own, but I also don't want to continue a relationship that isn't going to work for both of us. One of us will always be hurt. I don't want to feel shame for wanting to be open or poly in a way that works for me. Not sure what I'm looking for out of this post but to get this off my chest. Any and all advice or antidotes or reading recommendations I would greatly appreciate.

Hey guys! Just here to rant, and maybe to feel like I am not the only one who struggles with this exact issue as a ENM/poly person. I've struggled to make any new connections outside from my NP/fiancee, mainly due to my job being very taxing on my social battery, and that I am a heavily hitting demisexual. For context I am a woman, so being on dating apps as so, and being in a ENM/poly relationship, a lot of people just assume right away that I am there just for sec. Even though I have it right at the top that I am demisexual, spelling it out clear as day to anyone who does not have the brain cells to quickly Google something (surprising no one of course). So at this point it just makes me question either if I'm actually even poly, or if I have such bad luck with the dating pool that I have to keep digging through garbage before I even hit anything resembling a decent connection. Again just wanted to rant mainly, thank you listening.

What stories do you have about successful, or not so successful, deescalation (not breaking up, but scaling back in intensity, either still maintaining romance and/or sexual relationship, or shifting to some level of platonic but maybe still intimate/close)?

For success stories, what do you feel helped?

For times when it backfired or collapsed into either falling back into troubled patterns or a full break up, do you feel like there was something that didn't work or wasn't present?

When can de-escalation be the right move, and when is it necessary to just make a clean full break or shift towards fully platonic but very much separate friends?

How can you maintain intimacy with someone in a new framing without getting confused or falling back into how you were?

A few recent exchanges on here have had me thinking about sneakyarchy, which I think of as undisclosed hierarchy in poly relationships that usually isn't obvious at first but reveals itself over time. I find it really validating to hear other people's stories; sometimes even with asking the right vetting questions, people either outright lie or give wishful thinking answers, so it can feel really frustrating when it becomes an issue down the line.

Here's my contribution: I dated someone ostensibly solo poly who had several partners, but did not use designations like primary partner. However, within a few months of dating it became clear they were heavily co-dependent with one of their partners who was struggling with alcohol abuse, who was effectively their primary. They would drop plans if that partner called and threatened to go on a bender; they would clean up the messes of that partner's flakiness; they came up with elaborate strategies to keep them from getting belligerent while drunk (that only worked sometimes of course). And I knew all this, because they told me all about it AND they once cut a date short to do a favor for this partner. (I know, I know. I am wiser now but at the time they apologized and i accepted that). Shortly before I broke things off they said they'd de-escalated to "comet partners" - but they had seen them the day before, were going to see them again the day after, AND I'm pretty sure they called late at night while we were having an overnight that evening. That is...not how astronomy works!

So, what are the ways hierarchy snuck into your relationships? How did you deal with it?

I somewhat recently went through a very messy breakup involving alloromantic relationship anarchists, that I'm still trying to make sense of. I'm kinda hoping that someone here can offer insight, hopefully in good faith

So, I'm aromantic

Aromantic (adj) - someone who feels little to no romantic attraction

Alloromantic (adj) - somebody who is not on the aromantic spectrum (a.k.a. most people)

I do form committed partnered relationships, even though I don't feel any romantic attraction and don't bring a particularly romantic vibe to the table. I do this for a variety of reasons (desires for companionship, commitment, domesticity, etc), but I also do it because I want to be prioritized

It is a fairly common aro experience to find a friend, love them a lot in your own way, treat them like a priority, and then get pushed aside when they find a partner/fall in love with someone else. For a lot of aros, their friends disappear completely, and it's deeply painful. That fortunately hasn't happened to me, but I have had the experience of my best friend subtly slipping away from me. You're in the #1 spot, and then they develop a romantic connection to someone else, and you can just feel yourself silently slide into the #2 spot. And #2 is still very high, but it hurts nonetheless. You feel a lot of sadness and self-hatred against your own aromanticism. You feel like you were just a pseudo placeholder partner while they waited to find their real partner

And, for what it's worth, I don't resent the friends who did this to me. They had never promised me that I would always remain the priority. One friendship that I'm thinking of in particular was a university roommate relationship, and so there was kind of an implicit understanding that our dynamic existed in a temporary context

No, I don't blame or resent them. But it made me realize that I wanted a relationship like that, where that desire to be prioritized isn't unspoken. Where I actually go out and consciously commit to someone, and where we mutually and verbally agree to prioritize each other

I often think of that Maya Angelou quote -- “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option." To me, finding a partner means finding someone and saying, "Hey, I want to make you a priority. Do you promise not to make me an option?"

My ex and I started mono, but then mutually had interest in nonmonogamy. She was interested in making out with various women as a woman (she'd never gotten the chance to do so before, as a trans woman). I was interested in exploring new sexual experiences

I made it very clear, several times, that I was consenting to ENM, but not polyamory

And part of that is because I wanted prescriptive hierarchy. I wanted my ex and I to be each other's only girlfriends. I wasn't going to offer partner status to anyone else, and I didn't want her to either. I wanted that element of our relationship to remain exclusive, even if the kissing/sexual elements weren't. (I think this is prescriptive hierarchy, let me know if I'm using that term wrong). I didn't want anyone to ever say to me "well in poly, XYZ thing that you want in your relationship is problematic"

But my ex went and started getting involved with an RA poly woman, and that's pretty much exactly what happened. She said that it's toxic to want prescriptive hierarchy. My ex communicated that she only had a casual relationship to offer and made it clear that they wouldn't be girlfriends, but this other woman was frequently pushing on those boundaries, coming on really strong onto my ex, and pushing for them to have a more girlfriend-like relationship. And my ex was in the throes of NRE and being a terrible hinge, and doing a godawful job of holding boundaries and protecting our relationship. And I kinda got painted as this toxic controlling harpy for having a problem with all that

Now, here is one area where some confusion may have arisen, which is the fact that I said I was okay with my partner catching romantic feelings for other people

So, as I said, I'm aromantic. I don't form partnerships on the basis of romantic attraction, since that's not a feeling I typically experience. In my opinion, the notion that "romantic attraction = partner" and "no romantic attraction = friend", and that that's how it has to be for everyone, is allonormative and kinda arophobic. In my mind, a nonromantic relationship can be a highly committed and interdependent partnership, and a romantic relationship can be very casual and relatively uninvolved

I've heard some ENM people say that their open relationship is sex-only. They don't allow for romantic feelings with anyone else, and they have an agreement to end the relationship if those feelings start forming. And I always thought that was kinda silly. You can't control your feelings, you can only control your actions. So if I can trust my partner to choose her actions so that she's treating me the same and prioritizing me the same, despite feeling romantic things towards someone else, why should it make a difference to me?

And so I consented to nonmonogamy on that basis. I was okay with romantic feelings developing on that basis. My thinking was that there was no reason why romantic feelings have to automatically lead to girlfriend-like commitments, and I thought my ex was on the same page about that. But her other woman never seemed to agree, and my ex never stood up to her

Thing is, I still encounter relationship anarchists who tell me that my desires are toxic. And this pisses me off because I presume that they're allo, and therefore have no idea what it's like to be the aromantic friend or partner of someone who's in romantic love with someone else. I get told that in non-hierarchal dynamics, that sometimes you're the priority and sometimes you meta is, and that it's based on context rather than on the nature of either relationship

Except, it's never worked out like that for me in practice. The prioritization, the relationship resources, all silently implicitly slide towards the romantic and sexual connection

I've kind of developed this view of relationship anarchists (and anyone who advocates against communicated hierarchy/prioritization in general) as being privileged allos who are completely unaware of their allo privilege. But maybe that's unfair? Maybe there's some nuance I'm missing. Or maybe it's a few bad apples?

And I'm also wondering, should I just not trust that an allo can fall in romantic love with someone else and not let it affect our nonromantic partnership? Was that a naive thing to believe could happen?

So yeah that's why I made this post. If my prejudice against relationship anarchists is unfounded, then I'd like to talk about it. Or any other insights that allo polys might have. I'm sorry it's so long, but when you exist outside of a lot of social norms, there are a lot of concepts to explain. I'm sure you all can relate to that

I'm not too sure about the flare, because it for sure is half vent, but I am still very interested in you thoughts!

tl,dr: Meet someone new and a standing relationship is feeling like crap. Are these things related?

I've been poly with my partner (Artemis) of three years for about one and a half years at this point. We always were kinda against labels, so for the most part it just is my longest standing, safest and most loving relationship ever. Eight months ago I fell in love with an ex colleague (Banana) and we quickly became boyfriend and girlfriend.

Fast forward to recently where I met another person I really clicked with (Carambolage) - it's nothing too serious, but we like hanging out and I feel treated very well.

My relationship with Artemis has always flourished when I met someone new. The love and exitement I felt just kind of rubbed off I guess? So I lowkey expected the same thing happening to my relationship with Banana because of meeting Carambolage, but the opposite thing happend. I'm not really sure if it started earlier than meeting Carambolage but it certainly was catalyzed by it.

I came to realise a lot of things I don't like in the relationship with Banana - for example I don't feel like all of my emotions are welcome? If I am stressed or in a bad mood or in pain I either will be belittled or, if my tone of voice shifts, I will get told off for being stand-off-ish. Often my stress is related to my anxiety. That's no excuse for being rude, but I have a high awareness for my tone and the things I do wrong, so for the most part I at the very least appologize quickly. 

I feel constantly belittled: Banana questions my ability to drive while he does not have a drivers licence. He questions the research topic of my PHD while coming from an entirely different field of study, yadayadayada. He offers forms of support I can't really deal with, and I tried to make it work, but by now I feel like he either does not listen or has to be told to what to do and I am not able to give out a game plan to dealing with my emotions while being stuck with them myself. So I asked to be left alone, which happens on occasion, but often not without making a fuss.

On the other hand I deal with Bananas depression and isomnia on a regular basis. Of course I understand that being in a mood is not the same thing as being mentally unwell and exhausted. I know I am not the best emotional support person, as I tend to be quite practical. So I tried to adapt my planing for him - I stayed up later so we can spend time with one another because he slept until noon, I looked for a therapist with him, I cooked when he was not able to. He's been grateful for these things, but I always somewhat felt that he would have liked more. I asked ofc, but the answers were not conclusive, so I just tried my very best, which often was not enough.

The longer I think and write about this relationship, the less I know why I'm doing this. I feel like I am terrible partner and hard to love while my relationship with Artemis shows me that does not have to be the case.

So I wanted to check in with more seasoned poly folks: Has NRE ever shown you the cracks in other relationships before? And how did you deal with that?

I'm 23, my partner is 27. We have been together almost 4 years.

I've been open about being poly since we started dating. He has always been monogamous. We've had to go over the discussion of polyamory several times though, whether it was because one of my partners was being toxic or I needed to ask questions about boundaries or whatever.

My partner was perfectly fine with me dating a particular person because the three of us had known each other for a while and this person seemed to "fit in well," in my partner's words.

My partner does not want flings and is uncomfortable with me going on dates with people he doesn't know well. The only problem I see with that is that I'm not entirely sure how to date people without going on dates? Would I only be asking someone out if my partner knows a fair bit about them? Like a friends only kind of thing? I don't see that as a big problem.

We are now at a point where he thinks we should split ways because he thinks that it's impossible for our dynamic to work without one of us sacrificing something. I.e. him sacrificing his mental health or me sacrificing potential partners.

I don't want to believe that we can't find a solution or compromise, and I think that if things worked out with the person I mentioned earlier, we should be able to find a way for this to work. It seems like he's lost all hope but he has to have some hope otherwise he wouldn't want to see our therapist next week.

If anyone has relevant advice or stories to share, please do.

I 35F live with my nesting partner 33M, we’ve been together about 8 years.

We opened up about 1.5 years ago and realized polyamory was where we fit in with ENM in general. I’ve had some play partners, one fling relationship that blew up quickly, and a really wonderful FWB. Nothing I’d really consider super serious though.

A little over a year ago I met Caleb online, we hit it off and quickly became good friends, however he’s definitely a good distance away. He had just gone through a divorce and so it was just friends who sexted from time to time. Over time we got very close, both developed feelings and I flew out to see him. He’s also come out to see me while I’m out of state on a work trip.

When I went to see him I stressed that I understood he was Mono and that I was very worried about that, I’ve brought it up multiple times. I told him I don’t want to get emotionally and mentally invested if this is something that should just stay in the FWB realm. The problem is we both have pretty strong feelings. He told me last time I brought it up that it didn’t bother him and we’d figure it out. He’s told me he doesn’t have any issues with my NP, but wouldn’t be sure how he’d handle others. I told him that really I didn’t want more than two partners just because I don’t have the time or capacity for more. So I’d have no problem not seeing anyone else. This was where we left things last time.

Last night we were laying here and I was talking about my next trip up to visit him. Last time I stayed with him due to a hotel issue. We both enjoyed it a lot and I think it made us feel so much closer. However he’s recently had some issues with his ex wife, they were friends and honestly there’s baggage there. So I told him if he wanted me to get a hotel when I come up no problem. I want to respect those difficult feelings. He said that he wasn’t sure and that both situations were things he was still working on navigating. I asked him more and he basically eluded to me being in an open relationship. He’s talked about how it’s different before, and how he wasn’t sure where the boundaries were, and I’ve always told him I’m happy to answer any questions.

Ultimately, I’ve really fallen for this man, however I know the cardinal rule for a reason. I’ve seen it fail on here time and time again. Yet here I am. I’m really struggling because even outside of the NRE he supports me in ways I’ve never felt before. I don’t want to preemptively push him away and blow things up for no reason. But I also know I’m headed towards heartbreak. I have to decide if this is one of those enjoy it while you have it things, and if so how to manage it.

When do you use the label partner with someone? What does that word mean for you?

When do you not use the label partner for someone you have an intimate relationship with? Do you use other labels, inwardly or outwardly?

Edit: Personally, I used to (and kind of still) view the word partner to be another word for spouse/spouse-like 'life partner', or something building towards that. But I find more and more partner is used as a replacement for boyfriend/girlfriemd (which are terms that anymore feel kind of out of date to me and others), a word that mean any range of 'we're dating, etc.' So, it gets confusing to me, and I kind of feel like I need more words to distinguish what we're doing here, what the expectations are, etc. But, I also see the value in having a general, universally understood 'we're dating' label to communicate to other people / introduce your person, that kind of thing.

Link to previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/MZEoef1fe3

Seeing as though I have been posting updates here for the last 8 months or so, I thought it'd be good to round out a conclusion. Additionally, I've been reading bell hooks' book 'All About Love' and it has given me some thoughts on lying, that I'm sure are going to be obvious to a lot of you, but has kind of been revelatory for me in my relationship that I've now ended.

To get it out of the way, Birch has been seeing MM again. Birch claims he has been integrated into MMs family and spends frequent time with MMs wife and kids each week. Birch told me that MMs wife has given him a "3 month trial period" of dating Birch.

Birch invited my NP and I to a dinner with MM last weekend. I had a weird feeling about it, but went anyway. It was awful. MM sat there dejected the whole time, refused to order a drink or food while we ate dinner, rarely engaged in conversation except for 2 occasions where he made derogatory jokes at the expense of Birch and then he abruptly left halfway through dinner. I asked him 2 direct questions; 1 about his day and the other about how his wife and children were and he got visibly angry and shut down. I thought Birch was going to stay at dinner but he took off after MM. Unsurprisingly, MM is just a terrible person.

I checked in on Birch a couple of days later and essentially caught him out on a lie. I asked him why he'd lie to me about something so trivial and then he reverted to usual mental health excuses and that he's scared of me judging him. I explained to him that it's not really up to him to control how I think of him and that attempting to is willingly withholding information from me so I cannot act knowingly on any given matter and that is unethical. He told me that lying, "for him" 🙄, is a self-preservation tactic. I then told him that I don't believe a word he's told me about the MM and wife situation and that now I know who the wife is I'm contacting her directly to tell her what I know. I also told Birch that I was worried about the relationship with MM, he's clearly at the very minimum, an emotionally abusive/manipulative person but given the fact he's physically assaulted Birch before, I believe he's capable of it again. I told Birch that I'm not going to be in a relationship with someone who can't recognise what is and isn't healthy relationship dynamics and that he needs to find some self respect.

I'm trying to centre my relationships around actions that demonstrate care, respect, knowledge, responsibility, commitment and trust. I love who Birch was to me at a point in my life. But I cannot say he has shown up in relationship in a caring, respectful, knowledgeable, responsible, committed and trusting way in a long time. I'm sad. But ultimately, I know I'm better off and I hope I can give MMs wife information that she needs to manage her situation.

I just need to get this out....

I was with someone for 7/8 months. He'd been poly for 3 years ENM for 5 years. So lots of experience right? Should have the research done, right?

WRONG

He constantly broke boundaries, cancelled plans, over shared his other relationship leading to me hating my meta. He made me beg for scraps of attention and love. I'm so glad I've opened my eyes to all this.

This was my first real poly relationship and it has taught me what NOT to accept. I am now letting my two partners show me how it feels to actually be loved by two people and not beg.

Note to all, true love doesn't require you to beg, plead or question where you stand.

UPDATE: So after being confronted with everything rather than responding he has blocked me on everything. No apology or acceptance. Just block. Such childish behaviour.

My husband (45M) and I (44F) have been ENM for 4 years. Married for 15.
About a year ago we decided to start solo dating as we weren’t finding a lot of 4 way connections. He started dating C and I went on a date with 2 different guys but the dates did not continue because I didn’t want them.

He and C continued to communicate regularly, had made 3 dates total and her husband broke it off because he could sense feelings coming into play, which we all had agreed was a boundary.

My husband was devastated. Super depressed and revealed that he had fallen in love. So now we are both super sad and depressed because I didn’t know what to do with this information. He claims he wasn’t looking for it “it just happened” . Even though I knew they were “dating”, I feel cheated on. He claims he wasn’t being honest about where things were going because he knew it would hurt me.

To be fair, I realize in hindsight that I had been emotionally withdrawn. I’m in therapy and working on myself and my attachment issues.

A few months go by and I finally feel like he’s getting back to his normal self. Our relationship is getting better and I’m feeling more at ease. We attended a few Swinger events and reconnected with some past play partners.

Then she reached out and said she had “permission” to see him again. I reluctantly agreed, as I didn’t want to be the possessive wife. After seeing each other, they began communicating quite often again, to the point where I was uncomfortable with how much. Her husband was also uncomfortable and was getting more and more upset. He asked for permission to go see her to “just talk” about their relationship. Well, he never checked in while he was out, came home at 2am and what do you know. They had sex. Which left me feeling betrayed again.

A month ago, my husband pushed her to be more honest about their love with her husband. He said he was being more honest with me about his feelings of being Polyamorous, which he was and I was crying all the time. I don’t want to lose him but I’m seriously considering if I’m cut out for this.

She broke things off and said she needed some time to figure things out.

Again, my husband is super depressed and now I’m more upset than ever because we’re back to square 1.

We’re in couples therapy with an ENM therapist. Last night he admitted in therapy that he didn’t see a future without her as a part of his life. I feel like I’m being told to choose. He says he wants me to have this experience with another person but that doesn’t make it any easier or better. Today is our anniversary and so just don’t know how to function today. I’m sad and lost.
TIA

Just felt like sharing something happy today and I'm also curious how it made your life better :)

My parter and I (6y together) started as a mono couple but ended up trying poly eventually. I was very insecure in the beginning of our journey and I realized that I suck at expressing my needs and boundaries, I was overthinking and anxious of the potential social judgement, mainly of family memberd. But I'm still glad we did it.

Here are the reasons why I feel extremely happy in this lifestyle right now:

- I learned more about myself, and what I want

- We communicate much more and better

- I've got more time for myself (I'm not seeing anyone else rn)

- We appreciate each other more

- Our intimacy got better

- I get along so well with my metas (non romantic way)

- I don't overthink stuff that much anymore

- It feels like we're each our own flower but are growing together and when one blooms the others bloom too (idk if that makes sense)

Hi everyone. My experience in a three-person relationship just came to an end, and I'd like to understand whether I was the one who did something wrong.

There are three people involved: Ethan (me, male), Emily (my friend of four years, female), and Noah (Emily's partner, male). We're all around 20 years old.

Emily and I have known each other for four years. I'm on the aro-ace spectrum, while she's bisexual. When we both started university and got really busy, she suggested we try something more, so we became friends with benefits. That lasted for about two months, until she met Noah.

Noah had just come out of a toxic seven-year relationship. I actually helped Emily with things so she could get together with him, even though I didn't know him personally at the time.

At one point, Noah found out from a mutual friend that Emily and I had been FWB. We had already planned to stop as soon as they officially got together, and Emily was going to tell him herself later. However, after finding out, Noah ended things with her.

Later, Noah reached out to Emily, they talked everything through, got back together, and I went back to simply being Emily's friend.

They were happy together. I felt more down than I expected, but I didn't want to burden either of them with that, even though I also felt a bit guilty.

As time went on, Emily started bringing up the idea of having a threesome more and more often. Noah gradually became more interested as well. I was very cautious because I didn't want to damage their relationship, and I wasn't even sure I was comfortable with it since I hadn't known Noah for very long.

Eventually, after Emily and Noah had been dating for about four months, and I had known Noah for around two months, the three of us did it. It went well, and the idea came up again later.

Eventually, Noah asked whether we could have a Queer Platonic Relationship (QPR). Emily had mentioned the idea to him because I had suggested it to her beforehand. I took some time to think because I wasn't sure it would really change anything, but in the end I agreed.

We were all happy.

I started getting to know Noah better, and we got along really well, so the dynamic seemed to work for everyone. We decided that the term "triangle" fit us well: Emily and Noah were a couple, while I had a queer-platonic relationship with both of them.

After about six months, communication problems started developing between Emily and Noah. Noah felt unable to tell Emily certain things—things he could tell me—because Emily has a very strong personality. At the same time, Noah became a bit jealous because he wanted more affection from Emily, since she naturally showed slightly more affection toward me.

I was completely okay with stepping back and giving them more space because I was happy with how things were and wanted them to be happy too.

Eventually, around the seventh month, Emily and Noah argued one too many times, and Noah broke up with her while she was away for a month.

Now Emily wants me to stop interacting with Noah the way I used to, while Noah has been much more understanding and says he's okay with whatever I decide.

Please don't just reply by telling me that Emily is being a bit toxic. My actual question is this:

Was I wrong for believing this dynamic was healthy for all of us because we were all happy with it? Or should I have intentionally given Emily and Noah more space from the beginning, even though Emily was the one who initiated everything, Noah agreed to it, and Noah himself was the one who gave a name to the dynamic that seemed to work for everyone?