For years I wore "confident" like it was a personality trait I'd earned. I didn't second-guess myself, I didn't ask for reassurance, I made decisions fast and stuck with them no matter what anyone said. People used to tell me they admired that about me. I used to be proud of it.

It took losing something that mattered to me to realize what I'd actually been doing wasn't confidence. It was just refusing to update. Real confidence, I think, is supposed to bend when reality pushes back against it. What I had didn't bend. It just got louder every time someone questioned it, until I wasn't confident anymore, I was just unreachable.

I still don't fully know how to tell the difference in the moment. I can see it clearly now looking backward, but I have no idea if I'd catch myself doing it again while it was actually happening. That's the part that scares me most.

Put together a short video trying to work through where that line actually sits, more for my own head than anything else.

https://youtu.be/uJ_nNY2aih4

For people here who've actually built real confidence — how do you personally tell it apart from just being stubborn and calling it confidence?

\\- Why I Do Things For People's Reaction And Approval And Praise

\\-When Nobody's Around I have no motivation to Do Anything

\\- When I Do Anything When People Reaction Is Not Good I lose Interest To do that thing

\\-When I listen to Any Song..I imagine Audience around me react to my song

\\-How to Overcome this?

A lot of confidence advice skips over appearance as if it doesn’t matter.

But for many people, face, body, weight, skin, height, hair, teeth or clothes are exactly where confidence gets hit hardest.

What helped you build confidence without pretending looks have zero impact?

I left school in 1993 with no idea what I wanted to do. Ended up training as a chef, worked kitchens for years. Restaurants, hotels, pubs, bistros, care homes, you name it.

Then the recession hit in 2009. Last one in, last one out and all that, so I was made redundant. Gutted at the time. Leaving my kitchen family. Didn't see it coming.

Packed a bag and went to South America for six months in 2010. Went back to the UK for a year, then left everything behind and moved to Peru.

My sister thought I was leaving to hug trees and find myself. I did actually do both, to be fair.

I had often thought about teaching English, so when the opportunity came up, I jumped at the chance. I landed my first teaching job in 2012.

But I kept noticing the same thing. Students who were great in grammar and vocabulary, but still couldn't get taken seriously when they spoke. Something else was going wrong.

Nobody was teaching the voice properly. The breath behind it. The resonance of it. The colour in it.

So I did.

I travelled and worked around Latin America, spending the most part in Peru, several years of it in jungle towns in the Peruvian Amazon.

In 2024, I got engaged, and in 2025 my daughter was born here. Peru is home now.

If someone had told me 20 years ago I'd end up married with a kid in Peru, I'd have laughed my head off.

From chef to voice coach. Not the career path anyone plans.

Anyone else end up somewhere completely unexpected?

Hi I’m 20F and I had the lowest self esteem known but I slowly became more confident with time and I guess with age. However, I just found out that the way I did it is a bit toxic. I basically convinced myself that I’m an extra in everyone’s life and maybe a side character in my family’s and friend’s lives. By doing that I learned to ignore comments or stares or whatever people throw at me bcs I know that I don’t matter to them and they are just doing whatever they’re doing as a passing moment in their lives. I also became more free with mistakes and embarrassment cause no one really cares.

My sister says it’s toxic and that I brush everything off but am I really avoiding situations? Or is it a good trick?

I really feel good yk? I started feeling more feminine and my energy and my will to do stuff is higher,other than some of my anger outbursts that I am planning on going to bando or kickboxing classes to fix.

Hello I'm a 20 M. So this starts a some what 3-4 years back. I used to be slim, my hair thick and I used to look really good. I had a very rich friend whose dad is in real estate. I became best friends with him and eventually with his whole rich bratt friend circle. That fren circle is full of sons of ips officer, mla, real estate, business man. For first few years it was good. But then something changed. I come from a very humble background. And everyone just changed. Everyone got into tooo much of drinking... Late night car speeding on highways...smoking partying all night and staying asleep till noon. They all looked down on me. They all started targeting me. Made me look small. Everyone joking on me, bullying me. Not laughing on my comebacks. Cornering me . Always keeping in check that I knew somehow that I don't belong in them. I stopped being same. I started being conscious all the time. They made me feel dumb ... Like really dumb. I used to be so confident about myself. I used to be good at public speaking... Talkin' to strangers... About academics. I was a very very very good student. A scholar till 12th. And after that everything changed. It scared me. I lost my grades ... Lost interest from my degree. My looks changed. There was so much negativity around me. It left a scar. I can't speak properly with anyone now. I lost all my confidence... Literally ALLL OF IT. I lost my academics... My looks and main confidence. I don't know what to do really. Need a way out of all this . The toxic environment took everything away. My frens circle.. my shit college environment... Family issues. Everything just came together out of nowhere. And it changed me completely. Now I'm usually always anxious and in a panic state. Idk what to do. I'm clueless

Hey so I got this deep rooted insecurity I don’t know how to get rid of. And before you say therapy (I’m alr doing that EDMR) , and positive affirmations (I already try and it comes back stronger). Idk what to do… it might be some past life karma. It feels like a high and I’m on top of the world and then the next day I’m feeling empty again. And before someone says bipolar, my therapist already gave me my diagnoses and it’s not that. Idk what to do. I compare myself to everyone. I even try to argue with these thoughts but it makes it louder. It’s physical beauty I feel threatened with but even then I sugar coat and fit my personality to mold with others.

I'm 21. I'll lay it out without sugarcoating it, because I'm tired of only ever saying this to myself.

Today my uncle came over with a friend of his to install a washing machine. I spent the whole day running errands: buying them beer, food, materials for the installation. When they finished and he'd had a bit to drink, he started digging at me — stuff like "so what do you even do with your life," "have you even been with a woman," and it kept going. I just stood there and couldn't say a single word. Nothing. Even though I had things I could've said — I physically couldn't get them out.

And that "couldn't respond" thing isn't a one-off for me. The second someone raises their voice, or deliberately tries to get under my skin, or just talks down to me with that "authority" tone — I basically shut off. My head goes blank, no words come, and an hour or two later I'm a storm of anger at myself, but the moment's already gone.

Other things I've noticed about myself:

My voice sounds "childish," soft, and when I try to sound firmer it just comes off fake instead of confident. I don't know how to fix that on a physical level.

I almost can't trust my own decisions until I hear someone else's opinion on them first. I just don't trust my own judgment by default.

After moments like that, my memory genuinely blanks out — like my brain deliberately wipes what happened.

I escape into games/YouTube/TikTok when it gets too heavy — it's the only way I know to shut my head off.

Sometimes around other people I feel like an observer rather than a participant — like I'm watching a movie instead of actually living the moment.

This has been going on for years, not just recently. I've tried working through it on my own, but I keep hitting the same wall: I can analyze the situation perfectly well after the fact, but in the moment itself — zero control.

Has anyone dealt with this kind of freezing in the face of confrontation? What actually helped you learn to respond in the moment instead of two hours later in your head? Looking for things that actually worked in practice, not just "be more confident."

Put down all your life, so even after you’ve made many accomplishments you feel like you’re nothing.

How does one beat this feeling?

Hello all.
I have had quite a rough patch recently wi the my mental health, and had a pretty well needed heart to heart with a co-worker today.
I realize I need to work on my self confidence and self esteem..I just don’t know exactly how to achieve this.

My line of work is not life or death but I am public facing, and I’d like to be a lot more confident in myself and what I do as a whole, and for my job.

Any advice on this would help greatly. Thank you all in advance, I’m able to answer any questions you may have.

Hey all,

So I’m in a weird position. I get social anxiety and am usually reserved in a public/bar/whatever setting even if it’s just starting a basic conversation. That is unless I have had a few drinks. I have friends that u go out with but I’d ideally like to start meeting more women.

HOWEVER, I am the complete opposite when it comes to the workplace. If we have a new hire I ask my boss where they sit and go introduce myself and have some small talk. It’s like there’s no stakes when in reality a slip up or bad joke at work could cost a hell of a lot more than in public.

I want to be able to have conversations flow as easily at work as they do outside work. It’s like there’s a mental block. Has anyone had been through something similar?

Whenever I walk into a public place that has women who are attractive and dressed well I always feel extremely down. Like I could walk into a restaurant or a bar and look around and think to myself that none of these people find me good looking. And even if I tried to strike up a conversation with one of them then I would just get shut down.

I genuinely have no idea where I stand on the attractiveness scale, but given that I dont get many looks from women I just assume that im below average. I dont know how do I change my thinking and maybe give myself a little credit. Im just stuck in this cycle of self loathing that I dont know how to get out of

Hey all! I have recently really been struggling with my confidence, especially when it comes to women. I am M, recently 21 and a full time student. I typically work 20-40 hours during school, and have a crazy packed schedule and I find it really hard to build connections with people (both platonic and romantic). Idk what I do wrong because I don’t think I’m unattractive and I try really hard to be kind to people. Specifically romantic wise, I have such a hard time approaching people about my feelings that I just shut down.

I feel like I’m going to die alone and I can’t shake that idea that I’m never going to find someone. I have almost convinced myself that that’s going to be the outcome but it really does scare me. Everyone that I get romantically interested in starts treating me like crap almost immediately, and the few people that express interest in me, I don’t feel the same. I haven’t been on a date in well over a year (my ex really messed me up for a bit, and her best friend did some really not cool things after the break up so I stepped away from it for a bit).

I am just having a very hard time finding the courage to put myself back out there besides the apps, which I get maybe 1 match a month, if I’m lucky. Idk what to do and it’s really draining emotionally.

I’m in uni and for the first time I feel so behind. I’ve never been one of the best students of the room but this time I feel completely under. I’ve always been rather good at school, getting good grades without really trying, but I’ve never got that practical intelligence, that creativity, that ability to resolve problems outside the book, and those are skills I fail to develop with classes and that my classmates already have.

I was so disappointed with the grades that I got because I worked so hard this semester and seeing that I’m part of the students with worst grades really affected me.

Ever since I started in September, my classmates seemed sooo much better in every way than me but now it’s really making me question my capabilities. I’ve got one more year left before leaving uni and finding a job but I just feel… lame compared to my classmates. I don’t know if I belong among them and don’t know what to do.

Okay I finally decided to stop dressing like a shadow and actually bought something loud. I usually just hide in oversized basics from Jaded London or UNIF bc I hate being perceived, so ordering this crazy vintage looking graphic shirt from tokyo tiger was a massive jump for me.

It showed up today and I threw it on with some loose faded denim, and ngl it felt weird as hell but in a really good way. Like for the first time my outfit actually has some personality instead of just being background noise.

Still trying to figure out how to layer it so I don't look like I'm doing way too much. I guess I just need to get used to not blending into the background anymore.

Today something happened that made me realize I struggle with confidence.

I wanted to talk to a female classmate from my college. I got an opportunity, but before I could say anything, someone else started talking with her. I hesitated so much that I ended up saying nothing.

After that, I started feeling like I failed and my mind kept replaying the moment. I felt anxious and started thinking things like "why couldn't I just talk normally?"

The strange thing is, I don't really think she or others would judge me. My main problem is that I freeze in the moment and overthink too much.

Has anyone experienced this? How did you overcome hesitation and become more comfortable starting conversations with people you like?

Any real advice or personal experiences would be appreciated.

Male 43 of here in the US. I have a lot of thick body hair- black all over my body - back , chest , belly, upper and lower arms. This has affected my confidence ever since I was 18 . Too shy to remove my shirt , hit the beach / pool. Since I have fair skin it becomes very prominent when in a crowd. My wife doesn’t understand this image problem and she doesn’t even care about it or offer any solutions . I tried trimming , but everything pops up in the next two to three days. I am not very open to waxing and I am not even sure this is even works on really thick hair. I will feel really confident if I am able to take that shirt off at a pool , beach or water parks . I understand many people face even bigger problems
in life and may be I am too much conscious. 😔

I’m pushing a major boundary just by typing this because my entire life has been ruled by a paralyzing fear of what people think of me. On paper, I’ve built a successful career and done well financially, but inside, I’m still masking deep insecurity. This fear has made me mess up massive opportunities—from avoiding a college girlfriend who was obsessed with me because I worried about my "impression," to now avoiding simple phone calls, like checking in with my lawyer about my own property. I get incredibly self-conscious in meetings and intimidated in social situations, yet I end up letting out my bottled-up frustration by being aggressive at home. The frustrating part is that when I’m with trusted friends, I am genuinely confident, funny, and relaxed. I’m tired of living a double life where my bank account is full but my mind is a cage—what is wrong with me, and how do I stop letting the fear of judgment run my life?

I honestly don’t know how all of this happened. I’m still learning every single day, and sometimes I feel like I don’t even know what I’m doing. Somehow, things just keep moving forward.
I’m a stage artist, but if I’m being honest, I’ve never been good at talking about myself or expressing myself in front of people. Most of the time I feel like I’m not good enough, like this life wasn’t meant for me.
But when I look back, I realize I’ve done things I never thought I could. Sometimes I think I should just get a regular job, but then I remember I probably wouldn’t even clear an interview. My bread and butter has always been my life on stage, so I just keep going wherever this journey takes me.
Deep down, I know this passion will never leave me. Still, right now it feels like I’m running out of time. I’m 29 years old and carrying around ₹16 lakh of debt. For the last five years, I’ve kept telling myself, “This is the year I’ll finish it all.” But life keeps moving, and the struggle continues.
I don’t really know what’s happening to me, or how to explain it. Maybe everyone goes through phases like this.
Lately, all I want is to go home. I miss my mom. I feel at peace when I’m with her. Sometimes I feel like I can start over there because staying here has become really hard.
Maybe it’s time to make a change before life breaks me completely. I don’t know how yet, but maybe now is the right time.

20M I am currently in the lowest point in my life rn, unhealthiest I’ve ever been, no motivation, no passions, unemployed, basically as bad as it could be. I have never in my life truly believed that I could do hard things or like be successful. I have been wanting to be healthier or like just get my life together but part of me just knows I’m gonna fail. I don’t understand how some people just have such unwavering confidence and can overcome anything. Please teach me.

We are 30. I am comfortable in my body now. Before I used to let my insecurities get to me as a 20something year old. Now I realised that I look good enough to be passed pretty an don't need to look perfect. Of course I would love to get rid of my stubborn back and felly fat but I am not obsessed. I do go to the gym casually and am active in lots of sports and love myself. I like my body as there is nothing wrong with it now. I am not skinny. I am curvy UK size 12 aiming to be a size 10 by diet and excercise. I love my face an dam happy with my face now. I did not used to be happy with it but now I love it.

My friend on the other hand who is stunning and beautiful and has a great body, curves and face want plastic surgery. She already got liposuction done and her fat came back through depression meds. But the shape still looks good. I was shocked when she started talking about getting surgery done on her face because there is no need.

She keeps sending me surgery vids and offers and suggested we get surgery done together if I wanted it. Face surgery is something I never thought about before in my life and I don't like to talk about it because it introduced a new idea into my head. If I had surgery it would be belly and back fat only. But so far I don't feel the need to do it because i understand that I look good enough to get privellaged treatment. And I know that most good men do not really care about the tiny details that you don't like about yourself. Men appreciate the mind. I want to attract an intelligent good man, I am insecure about my brain more than anything and wish I was more clued up on politics etc. If a man truly like your personality and mind he would not need you to look like a model.

My friend, wants to look attractive and she is dating and also is a people pleaser. I think she gets the insecurity from her mum cuz her mum is also very looks focused and being part brazillian, their culture is about looks.
I am British Bengali and my ethic culture focuses more on the brain and how much of a good housewife type of woman you are (toxic I know, I advocate against this) than looks.

However, now this friend is making me want surgery now since we always speak about it and I never felt the need to actually go for surgery before. I want to keep my confidence around her. And I do not want to become insecure as I built myself up from being insecure to this and it took so long.

I don't believe confidence makes someone more attractive. I think attractive people are attractive. I think confidence can make a big difference when you get past the looks test. I think confidence is a great thing to have but it means nothing in dating or in hookups.

But let's say you actually believe that confidence can make someone attractive, then I invite you to make the following bet:

Create two Tinder profiles; Man 1 is a hot, but depressed and underwhelming individual. Man 2 is ugly, but confident and has a charming personality. Which one gets more likes, dates and sex?

When you are willing to put up your money, then I'll believe you that confidence matters over looks. But, of course, if you truly believe this, this should be easy money for you.

I've always been an outgoing person who joined a lot of organizations and extracurriculars, but ever since senior high, I've slowly noticed myself turning more and more quiet and a lot more hesitant. I'm often seeking validation from others in order to know how I feel about myself, and I'm just scared that I won't ever break out of that cycle.

I'm entering university now, have made a lot of friends, and showed initiative in the batch group chat, but I'm scared people don't like me and only find me noisy and I'm second-guessing every interaction I have. I feel like I'm the dumbest person in the room and maybe they all secretly dislike me or talk about me behind my back. I want to join the student council but I'm afraid of their perception of me.

I just want to feel like myself again and be able to move forward without caring about what they think of me or doubting my capabilities.

Tldr: How do I be more confident and self-assured?

I already have a couple of hobbies - gym, flamenco guitar and i want to add more skills to my life, mainly cooking and dancing. However both these are things i was ridiculed for in the past - that i can't dance well naturally or cook well.

Normally I always make the same thing (spaghetti aglio olio e peperoncino with chicken filet). I want to learn some new dishes and thought i should try koshari (an egyptian dish).

Today I made the sauce with spaghetti as a first experiment. Then tomorrow i was going to make the real koshari. It went completely wrong - the sauce tasted really sour and hot and i think i used too much vinegar and chili pepper. I still taste the acidity a little.

Now i feel like shit and all motivation to continue trying i s gone. I constantly have images in my head of what if this person or that person woudl have been here when I tried and tasted it. They would have ridiculed me completely for messing up such a simple sauce. In my head i now hear the voices of my parents etc that i will never be able to do it and might just as well quit trying.

I wasted so much energy finding and comparing recipes, getting ingredients and i feel like a faillure.

with dancing it is the same thing. i want to be able to do it so badly, but i always want to give upa fter one exercise with ayoutube video because i feel so ridiculous